My 59 y.o. STBXH is trying to land a 22 y.o.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is going to remember daddy dearest wanted his girlfriend|baby mama|second wife to be her TUTOR. Very creepy.

Also. A woman who wants to use her charms to use a person for career advancement is not a good person.

This.

These days, women who are confident in their talents don't need to use old men to get ahead in their fields.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Um, how did the nymphette become DD math tutor? That's gross. DD will figure it out and feel betrayed by both of you. Tell her now so at least she can trust you.

It does sound like a lawsuit in the works or else a divorce initiated by him. Get a lawyer. Protect assets.

OP here. As I mentioned upthread, that is his modus operandi that he chats up young women in his field online and offers his help. Additionally, he is the one who picks out and organizes tutors for our daughter. I guess now he combined both. He found the young woman on a tutoring website. So for the past weeks she was known to me as DD's new math tutor. I just found out yesterday that he is "mentoring" her (they are in the same field) and that she is going to visit him at his home for a "crash course" during the summer.

Why would you even entertain the idea of a visit to your home?

OP here. When STBXH first brought this up, an in-person meeting with a tutor sounded normal. DD has met several of her online tutors already (even spent a vacation with one) and another one (male) is set to visit us this summer.

Wow.

Troll.

Yes, no way this is real. I'm enjoying the thread. OP writes a crazy woman well.

OP. Why does it sound unbelievable if my DD meets some of her tutors in real life?

That's not typical and is very boundary blurring. Unless it's someone from the neighborhood or school, usually people don't socialize with paid service providers like music teachers, math teachers, babysitters, hairstylists, etc. outside of their normal business operations. The reason you pay them is because you aren't friends.

OP here. I hate to belabor this side issue, but here it goes: DD has spent a spring break vacation with her French tutor (a French PhD student) in France because we wanted to push the immersion method. Her other tutor, who teaches our heritage language, is visiting us this summer (with his husband) because he is one of most cultured and widely-read individuals I have ever met.

This isn't a side issue. Most people don't make personal friends with paid tutors. There are plenty of study abroad programs and exchange programs.

I have lots of international friends and acquaintances. I have occasionally hosted or been hosted by them in our respective home countries. But none of them have been people that I paid to work for me.

One summer, I had to string together some temporary places to live to do a free internship. I ended up staying in some living spaces of people with whom I had an employment relationship. Because of crashing in multiple apartments, I became aware of a work-related love triangle/affair that I didn't want to expose. So I ended up having to obfuscate about the situation (nobody asked me to lie and none of them knew what I knew). That was really awkward and I wish I had had the funds to rent a place and stay out of it. It all ended badly for the people involved a year or so after my internship.

What if the heritage language tutor had crossed paths with the 22 y.o.? He might have figured out the game also. That would be even weirder.

Your daughter should actually learn some boundaries. Your husband and you "buying her friends" via tutoring doesn't help. It might hurt...and it doesn't matter how cultured or interesting they are. It would be better if she organically made her own friends through a local language school or online program for high schoolers. These exist.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have handled things poorly with DD and I don't know how to make it better. I asked her if it would be OK for her if we choose another math tutor. Of course she asked why, and I told her because daddy considers himself to be an appropriate romantic partner for the tutor and I don't want to put DD in the middle of that situation.

I feel like this is a turning point in DD's childhood. She has asked questions and labeled her dad a "predator." She is distancing herself from her dad. I should have
made something up or I should have asked the tutor to
announce that she quits.

I feel like I just destroyed her childhood,when my goal was to protect her. I feel terrible.

By the way, I talked to the young woman and it turns our she had no idea that STBXH intended to start a romantic relationship with her. He invited her, told her to bring a friend, and made it sound safe by proposing outings with DD. Friends tell me that she couldn't be this naive, but I believe her. At her age I was this naive, too.

[Anonymous]

OP, you were right to clue in the 22 y.o. It became your business because your husband was planning to use your daughter as a pretext.

I wasn't that naive at 22. I believe some can be but older people with a home for dad and a home for mom that are hours apart is a big red flag. I wouldn't fly across the country to work for a separated couple.

You did the right thing to tip her off.

If you want to stay married, I think this incident marks the point at which you've shifted to a one-sided open marriage. You and your husband should agree going forward on what he publicizes or doesn't regarding his love life to your minor child.

The more ethical and calm you behave towards each other, the less the impact on your daughter. Again, she might have figured this out anyway. And might well have a younger stepmother in the future. She will need to decide what she thinks about it.

I think OP made the right call to surface the hidden agenda. OP is NTA.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully your daughter can learn a life lesson here. She is just 7 short years from being in a position to land a wealthy, older man herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully your daughter can learn a life lesson here. She is just 7 short years from being in a position to land a wealthy, older man herself.

Or...she is just 7 years away from graduating with a hot same-age boyfriend she can eventually build a life, career, and home with, and earn riches for herself.

[Anonymous]

Banging a 22 year old or scheming to is not the main problem. It is having set her up as a tutor for his daughter and trying to arrange a 3some visit. That is a betrayal of daughter especially because daughter got attached and liked tutor.
I commented on OP new thread.
But OP, you are too needy/without boundaries with these tutor relationships in general. It's a bad example for daughter in learning relationship and professional boundaries. Make your own friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have handled things poorly with DD and I don't know how to make it better. I asked her if it would be OK for her if we choose another math tutor. Of course she asked why, and I told her because daddy considers himself to be an appropriate romantic partner for the tutor and I don't want to put DD in the middle of that situation.

I feel like this is a turning point in DD's childhood. She has asked questions and labeled her dad a "predator." She is distancing herself from her dad. I should have
made something up or I should have asked the tutor to
announce that she quits.

I feel like I just destroyed her childhood,when my goal was to protect her. I feel terrible.

By the way, I talked to the young woman and it turns our she had no idea that STBXH intended to start a romantic relationship with her. He invited her, told her to bring a friend, and made it sound safe by proposing outings with DD. Friends tell me that she couldn't be this naive, but I believe her. At her age I was this naive, too.

Wow. I don't usually criticize people here but that was really destructive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have handled things poorly with DD and I don't know how to make it better. I asked her if it would be OK for her if we choose another math tutor. Of course she asked why, and I told her because daddy considers himself to be an appropriate romantic partner for the tutor and I don't want to put DD in the middle of that situation.

I feel like this is a turning point in DD's childhood. She has asked questions and labeled her dad a "predator." She is distancing herself from her dad. I should have
made something up or I should have asked the tutor to
announce that she quits.

I feel like I just destroyed her childhood,when my goal was to protect her. I feel terrible.

By the way, I talked to the young woman and it turns our she had no idea that STBXH intended to start a romantic relationship with her. He invited her, told her to bring a friend, and made it sound safe by proposing outings with DD. Friends tell me that she couldn't be this naive, but I believe her. At her age I was this naive, too.

Wow. I don't usually criticize people here but that was really destructive.

A 60 year old man manipulating his daughter by signing her up with a tutor he wants to f*** and planning to bring her out to “visit”? You are absolutely right, it’s incredibly destructive. He’s literally destroying his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to process this. The 22 y.o. is a graduate student on the other coast, in my STBX's field. That's his spiel, talking up women in his field online, offering his "help." She looks exactly like me in my twenties.

We have been separated for three years, with no intent of divorcing due to financial entanglements. Plus, it is convenient for him that I continue to take care of everything. We have a 15 year-old daughter who lives with me. He lives 3 hours away close to his job, in a remote area. We own jointly the two very nice houses in which we live.

Now he dropped the bomb that the young woman is going to visit him for a "crash course" in his field, and he wants her to meet our daughter.

I am almost 13 years younger than him. When I met him 20 years ago, he was about to turn 40 and looking at women in their early to mid-twenties. This hasn't changed. I don't know how to handle this.

Why do you care? You have been separated for a long time..And why does it matter that she is 22? Live your life and let him live his. Your daughter is 15 not 5. Trust me she will makee her own mind. And as a woman you know damn well how you guys react in situations like this lol

[Anonymous]

Good for him. He sounds like he’s living his best life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully your daughter can learn a life lesson here. She is just 7 short years from being in a position to land a wealthy, older man herself.

OP’s husband is about to lose half their “wealth” at 59. Real prize.

[Anonymous]

Turning your kid against the kids father is really bad. Worse than the father hitting on a younger woman (if that's what he was doing).

[Anonymous]

This all just all sounds like badly written fiction novel. OP is still in love with her ex and making up all kinds of crazy stories in her head.

[Anonymous]

The father using his kid as babe bait is worse. He did the work to be turned against.