Why does this mom just rebuff even cordiality?

[Anonymous]

She googled you or your spouse and doesn’t like what she found (your jobs, online posts, etc)?

[Anonymous]

There was a woman like this in my mom's group when my kid was a baby. Similar size group, everyone was friendly, except this one mom was super cold to me.

It turned out she was annoyed because she felt like she had a special 1:1 friendship with one of the other moms in the group, who she had met before the rest of us, but that mom turned out to be a close neighbor of mine and also we worked in the same field. So we kind of naturally became more connected due to proximity and things in common. The mom who didn't like me felt I'd "stolen" her close mom friend.

This was years and years ago. I'm still loosely friends with everyone in the group except the one who didn't like me. Ironically, literally every member of this group has moved out of the neighborhood (including the one who didn't like me) except me. The one who was my close neighbor and is in my industry only moved to another part of the city, so I still see her sometimes. Everyone else moved out of the city including two people who moved abroad. One of them I text with a lot, the rest I just interact with on social media (again, except the one who didn't like me who is not connected to me on social media).

It's funny thinking about this now. When your kids are little, life can be pretty isolating and it feels like these mom relationships are super important. And in a way they are -- I get why this one friendship was so important to this other woman. But also, that time in your life winds up being kind of a blip. If you have other kids, the idea of having lockstep friends with the parents of kids in your eldest cohort falls by the wayside -- you have to spread yourself out for your other kids. People move, change jobs, kids move schools, kids personalities evolve and they choose their own friends. It all just goes away.

I hope that mom who was mad at me all those years ago is over it, and has a good support system and is happy. There were times when her behavior hurt me (I was also a new mom and had my own insecurities and challenges) but I recognize it wasn't about me.

TL;DR -- I'd just let it go, assume it's something you have no control over, and stay friendly with everyone else. She will either come around or she won't, but in a year or two this group won't even exist and everyone will have moved on. Try not to let it bug you too much.

[Anonymous]

I'd confront her. "Julie, you seem to never want to talk with me. Did I do something to offend you? If so, please tell me so I can apologize and change, or explain if appropriate." This lets her know that SHE is the one who's behaving weirdly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I’ve never said or done anything to her." But you have said things out loud in front of the group that she has heard, and obviously she has formed an opinion of you, OP. What topics have you dove in on? What have you talked about? WHO have you talked about while standing with these other moms? Have you dissed anyone's kid out loud? Oh, they're not in AAP, I heard their kid has an IEP, their kid came to my house and, etc. What comes out of your mouth is your calling card, OP. So what have you said?

It’s this, for sure. She overheard you say something and it’s stuck in her craw (rightly or wrongly). You’re going to have to ignore her unless you are willing to confront her. Which I don’t necessarily recommend but it does amaze me how much could be solved with a cold stare and bluntly asking “what is your deal?” People where I’m from do stuff like that all the time but it’s pretty verboten in this area.

What happens when people from where you are from bluntly call someone out like that? Does the situation get better?

[Anonymous]

Do you do it in front of of the group>

[Anonymous]

OP, if you've noticed her coldness to you, others in the group have noticed it. And if they are reasonable people, they don't like her behavior towards you either.

If they don't care re: her behavior towards you, that says something important about them, so be careful. You may enjoy this limited interaction but they may not be good for true friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the end of the year, I know, but I’m so bothered by this recently since the weather is warmer and nicer and everyone stays behind at pickup to swing and play.

There are six of us moms (kindergarten) who converge and chat at pickup, and even stay for a pop up playdate most afternoons. Every mom talks to every other mom, but there is one mom who refuses to talk to me. It feels so middle school, like she’s doing it on purpose. She will talk to each of the other four moms, but singles me out and refuses to engage in even group conversation with me. If I try back and forth with her, or to start a side conversation with her, she will sort of look at me in a silent recognition, and then move to start a new conversation with another mom. I’ve never said or done anything to her, I haven’t had the chance! In the group we don’t ever talk politics or religion or any other taboo topic.

What could it be about me? Everyone else is friendly and talkative, and she seems to have accepted the other four. So why not me?

You have.

You just aren't aware of it.

Only I haven’t. She’s been like this since day one. She looks at me like I have corn growing out of my ears.

Maybe you were a jerk to her in a past life and she senses the negative energy. JK. I have no idea what’s going on. I would just ignore and live your life!

[Anonymous]

I was the mom who was cordial but not friendly chatty at pickup with a couple of specific moms over the k-3 years. They could have written something like OP about me

I’m not saying I handled this perfectly but here is the reason I was cool to both of them: their sons were incredibly cruel to mine, repeatedly, in an intentional manner designed to hit below the belt. They called him fat a$$, fat fu(k, etc and when given any opportunity (like say weighing beans vs rocks in science class) they’d make comments like “oh bobby better not get on the scale because he’d break it since he’s so fat.”

My kid is/was plump and this was devastating to him because it shaped other classmates view of him.

The kids did other things that were relentless but subtle and flew under the radar of the teachers, so it was something that couldn’t successfully be mitigated. If they stopped calling him fat because they were instructed not to by the teacher, Then they started calling him something else.

In both cases, they were so Machiavellian about it and so talented at what they were doing that I was certain they learned this kind of shit at home. I’m not saying that their mothers told them to go to school and act like this but what I’m saying is something happening in that household created kids like this

Maybe it was their mother or maybe it was their father but I sure as hell wasn’t about to be buddies with their mother just to keep the peace in the pick up line

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this exact situation and it turned out my husband dated her in college! I guess she thought I knew and was waiting for ME to make the first move.

lol that’s quite a reveal! Too funny. Did you guys laugh when you figured it out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the end of the year, I know, but I’m so bothered by this recently since the weather is warmer and nicer and everyone stays behind at pickup to swing and play.

There are six of us moms (kindergarten) who converge and chat at pickup, and even stay for a pop up playdate most afternoons. Every mom talks to every other mom, but there is one mom who refuses to talk to me. It feels so middle school, like she’s doing it on purpose. She will talk to each of the other four moms, but singles me out and refuses to engage in even group conversation with me. If I try back and forth with her, or to start a side conversation with her, she will sort of look at me in a silent recognition, and then move to start a new conversation with another mom. I’ve never said or done anything to her, I haven’t had the chance! In the group we don’t ever talk politics or religion or any other taboo topic.

What could it be about me? Everyone else is friendly and talkative, and she seems to have accepted the other four. So why not me?

You have.

You just aren't aware of it.

Only I haven’t. She’s been like this since day one. She looks at me like I have corn growing out of my ears.

Yes. You have. Either you lack self awareness, or it was something really small that you don't understand can offend others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she thinks your kid was mean to her kid? Who knows. I'd chalk it up to "weird" and try to move on and be normal.

Just keep killing being friendly, but I would stop trying to talk to her directly. Some women are super standoffish and normally it's much more about THEM than about YOU. I've been surprised at how many are like this at school events etc when I KNOW THEY KNOW who I am, but they will look right through me. Eventually you stop caring, and I just talk to the people I actually do like and ignore it.

If you are MAGA, that's what it is. So just a tip.

Or she’s the MAGA.

Yeah, OP went out of her way to say they "don't talk politics." Which leads me to believe perhaps OP knows it is politics but wants to deny it since they haven't been discussing it. I think politics might be it -- even if they haven't "talked" about it. One of them knows the other is MAGA or wrongly thinks so (some weird thing happened at work where some of the younger people talked about me being a Republican ... which I am most certainly not) or something.

I prefaced my post with that because I know someone would ask “have you talked politics?” No, we haven’t. Nor religion, or anything else tricky.

You didn't really answer the big question here though -- you are still doing this "we haven't discussed that" thing. Are you MAGA? Because she could know, even if you didn't "talk politics."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the mom who was cordial but not friendly chatty at pickup with a couple of specific moms over the k-3 years. They could have written something like OP about me

I’m not saying I handled this perfectly but here is the reason I was cool to both of them: their sons were incredibly cruel to mine, repeatedly, in an intentional manner designed to hit below the belt. They called him fat a$$, fat fu(k, etc and when given any opportunity (like say weighing beans vs rocks in science class) they’d make comments like “oh bobby better not get on the scale because he’d break it since he’s so fat.”

My kid is/was plump and this was devastating to him because it shaped other classmates view of him.

The kids did other things that were relentless but subtle and flew under the radar of the teachers, so it was something that couldn’t successfully be mitigated. If they stopped calling him fat because they were instructed not to by the teacher, Then they started calling him something else.

In both cases, they were so Machiavellian about it and so talented at what they were doing that I was certain they learned this kind of shit at home. I’m not saying that their mothers told them to go to school and act like this but what I’m saying is something happening in that household created kids like this

Maybe it was their mother or maybe it was their father but I sure as hell wasn’t about to be buddies with their mother just to keep the peace in the pick up line

Did you consider telling their parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the end of the year, I know, but I’m so bothered by this recently since the weather is warmer and nicer and everyone stays behind at pickup to swing and play.

There are six of us moms (kindergarten) who converge and chat at pickup, and even stay for a pop up playdate most afternoons. Every mom talks to every other mom, but there is one mom who refuses to talk to me. It feels so middle school, like she’s doing it on purpose. She will talk to each of the other four moms, but singles me out and refuses to engage in even group conversation with me. If I try back and forth with her, or to start a side conversation with her, she will sort of look at me in a silent recognition, and then move to start a new conversation with another mom. I’ve never said or done anything to her, I haven’t had the chance! In the group we don’t ever talk politics or religion or any other taboo topic.

What could it be about me? Everyone else is friendly and talkative, and she seems to have accepted the other four. So why not me?

You have.

You just aren't aware of it.

Only I haven’t. She’s been like this since day one. She looks at me like I have corn growing out of my ears.

Yes. You have. Either you lack self awareness, or it was something really small that you don't understand can offend others.

Disagree. Some people dislike others at first sight. “Hate at first sight.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she thinks your kid was mean to her kid? Who knows. I'd chalk it up to "weird" and try to move on and be normal.

Just keep killing being friendly, but I would stop trying to talk to her directly. Some women are super standoffish and normally it's much more about THEM than about YOU. I've been surprised at how many are like this at school events etc when I KNOW THEY KNOW who I am, but they will look right through me. Eventually you stop caring, and I just talk to the people I actually do like and ignore it.

If you are MAGA, that's what it is. So just a tip.

Or she’s the MAGA.

Yeah, OP went out of her way to say they "don't talk politics." Which leads me to believe perhaps OP knows it is politics but wants to deny it since they haven't been discussing it. I think politics might be it -- even if they haven't "talked" about it. One of them knows the other is MAGA or wrongly thinks so (some weird thing happened at work where some of the younger people talked about me being a Republican ... which I am most certainly not) or something.

I prefaced my post with that because I know someone would ask “have you talked politics?” No, we haven’t. Nor religion, or anything else tricky.

You didn't really answer the big question here though -- you are still doing this "we haven't discussed that" thing. Are you MAGA? Because she could know, even if you didn't "talk politics."

Totally. Not saying I agree with any of this but people gossip about who is MAGA and spread it around and for some people, it will cause them to shun you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She googled you or your spouse and doesn’t like what she found (your jobs, online posts, etc)?

This is a distinct possibility. Do you post any opinions on sm, OP?