My Son Told Us He's Proposing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do you want to help your son navigate a new situation for him - how to manage his ILs - in a way that will be constructive and help increase his chances of having a happy and long marriage or do you want to create drama? This isn’t about you so it isn’t worth getting “livid” or injecting your emotion into the situation. If you want to give your son advice just tell him that this is a valuable lesson, he should be more prudent about what he shares w his ILs in the future and when but he should also give them some grace. Perhaps they were just over excited and weren’t thoughtful about sharing their joy. See? It’s not so hard.

I assumed that OP would already know and do exactly what you said, because she didn't ask for advice, it was just a vent.

[Anonymous]

My father-in-law was offended that I proposed to my wife without asking him first...but my wife would have been offended if I had asked him. So I unwittingly made the right call there.

[Anonymous]

Livid? Who cares, really. Focus on the joy.

[Anonymous]

The son made the mistake of telling them too far in advance. I would have thought it was weird to be told too. Why didn't he just wait till he had the ring?

[Anonymous]

Yeah .. Where is the ring?

[Anonymous]

I mean, it's a lesson. I do think he should have talked to his girlfriend before talking to her parents. I don't think proposals should ever be a surprise.

But also when dealing with in law stuff you have to learn to drop your end of the rope. You can't get ruffled over minor annoyances because it will just destroy everything. Loving someone means dealing with the foibles of their family sometimes. You obviously stand up for the bug stuff. But her mom being an oversharer isn't the big stuff. That's just basic family quirks.

[Anonymous]

It's been a while since I was proposal age, but I distinctly remember the gulf of culture and age between me and my parents/in-laws, even though we got and get along fine. Why does OP assume the soon-to-be-engaged couple doesn't know or doesn't care that the others know? If it doesn't bother them, who cares?

[Anonymous]

Be the non-demanding, unruffled, easy-going party. You can be a listening ear but don’t become another person whose feelings they feel like they have to manage. This is both what’s best for them and what’s best for you. You’ve got decades ahead of you. Play the long game.

[Anonymous]

Tell your son to start as he means to go on -- set boundaries from the get go!

[Anonymous]

Any post on DCUM that complains about an ahole mother is going to have vicious retorts from ahole mothers.

This a clear Pobody’s Nerfect situation. I hope everyone involved can introspect and find grace.

[Anonymous]

How does OP know so much about future DIL’s extended family gossip, but doesn’t even know if the fiancée has heard the news?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are so good together. It's been 2 years. They are 25 and 26. Soft and kind and respectful and passionate. I'm biased (a bit) but I think they will have a lovely marriage.

He asked her parents first. It was more an act of respect than it was a request for permission. They very happily gave their blessing.

And then the mom started demanding to know when the proposal was coming. My son was having the ring custom made and artists are flakey so it could be a month.

His future MIL has told pretty much all the family and I'm stunned the bride to be doesnt know yet.

I am livid.

Why? How are you involved in all of this? The wedding will be entirely focussed on the Bride and her family. Learn to stay in your boundaries.

Why What a stupid question. This woman co-opted her son's wedding. It's not her surprise to share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. there's most likely more to the story than your son has shared with you.

2. not all artists are flaky your son has chosen a flake or he's not being completely honest about the ring situation.

3. what your son's soon to be mil does is not your concern.

4. it's a red flag that mil is doing all this it's also a red flag that your son is running to you with this.

5. myob

If you had a good relationship with your child and they had drama related to the biggest decision in their life, they wouldn't tell you? Very strange.

I do think DS made a mistake in telling in-laws so early. He should have told them a couple days before proposing, if at all.

You don't know that he didn't.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s so odd that he’d ask the parents of another adult if he can marry. I’d say no on that basis alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you want to help your son navigate a new situation for him - how to manage his ILs - in a way that will be constructive and help increase his chances of having a happy and long marriage or do you want to create drama? This isn’t about you so it isn’t worth getting “livid” or injecting your emotion into the situation. If you want to give your son advice just tell him that this is a valuable lesson, he should be more prudent about what he shares w his ILs in the future and when but he should also give them some grace. Perhaps they were just over excited and weren’t thoughtful about sharing their joy. See? It’s not so hard.

I assumed that OP would already know and do exactly what you said, because she didn't ask for advice, it was just a vent.

and that's the issue because it's not something OP needs to vent about. this is not something that should be impacting her emotionally at all or frankly that she should even know about. This thread reeks of emmeshment and #boymom