I think we’re divorcing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

I just find it stupid that both of you feel other person is dropping the rope so might as well you too should drop it and call it a day. Why did you marry each other, have kids, build a life? Just to throw it away when things get hard? Just to compete and criticize and hold contempt? What if he and divorced lady are indeed coming close? Why would you throw the towel in and let them ruin lives of your children? Drag your asses to a good therapist and find tools to fix your crumbling world. Try to figure out when and why you two stopped to love, respect and communicate and start again.

Even if I wanted to initiate therapy, I don’t know how I would bring up the topic. It all just feels so messy. Like I can’t make any of it work. Why would he even listen to me? He is not interested in making it work. He is convinced I am not worth it, I’m sure of it.

The problems you describe *potentially* could be resolved or greatly improved with marriage counseling. Since you have kids who would be deeply hurt by the divorce, I think you should at least try it.

I think the first step, though, is to figure out if you want to try to save your marriage. If so, it is going to take both of you being open to making changes. If you do, allow a few days for the dust to settle and have a calm conversation with your DH. Tell him you want the marriage to improve and to work and think that the best way to go about that is to go to counseling. Look at reviews, do your research and find a good counselor.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't sound this husband has any interest in saving the marriage, counseling or the wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am tired of hearing, “ I am staying for the kids,” statement. Do you imagine they don’t see the disfunction in your house?

No, not always. Smart parents know how to mask it. My parents divorced after we went to college. We were all shocked. I thought they were the perfect couple. I later learned that they were having many problems for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am tired of hearing, “ I am staying for the kids,” statement. Do you imagine they don’t see the disfunction in your house?

No, not always. Smart parents know how to mask it. My parents divorced after we went to college. We were all shocked. I thought they were the perfect couple. I later learned that they were having many problems for years.

I don’t get the impression that OP has a poker face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Doesn't sound this husband has any interest in saving the marriage, counseling or the wife.

How do you know? OP is only giving us her side of the story. She portrays him as a monster.
Do you really believe she has been perfect in this marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am tired of hearing, “ I am staying for the kids,” statement. Do you imagine they don’t see the disfunction in your house?

No, not always. Smart parents know how to mask it. My parents divorced after we went to college. We were all shocked. I thought they were the perfect couple. I later learned that they were having many problems for years.

This is so interesting as I have never seen someone on this board speak positively about their parents’ ability to “mask” their problems.

Didn’t this impact how you act in relationships? How were your parents able to model healthy relationships for you if they were faking it? I’m genuinely curious, not judging, my parents were catastrophes and divorced early.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I probably sound whiny and complaining because, as I’ve mentioned, I am burned out. I summon my energy to interact with the kids and attend work meetings, then I have nothing left for myself or him. In this state, everything feels like a mountain to climb. He is not a monster. But this pattern in our marriage has been playing out for the past 8-10 years. We kiss and make up, then the same patterns re-emerge. He has said in the past that he’ll try to change to be more affectionate, but something has changed recently. His resentments have hardened. And it’s likely tied to me working longer hours at a job I am terrified of losing because it brings in the significantly bigger paycheck. I have never felt more vulnerable financially than this past year. I feel like he doesn’t see me fully. He never checks in to see how I’m doing. Am I stressed, sad, etc. He checks in on his mom, his friends, even his coworkers and former coworkers. Me? Not once.

I have been whipping up new recipes for dinner these past few weeks. Does he say anything about the food? Nope. The kids will. I try to joke and make light of it and sometimes ask if he likes the food? Then he’ll offer, yeah, it’s good. I can plan the most perfect vacation (I have), he tells me months later, that was nice. He’s just blah in his interactions with me. It’s like, I don’t want to pay her too much attention lest she thinks she’s a somebody. Being around him brings me down because I’m not used to sticking around people who bring me down. I keep my distance. But I married this guy and I didn’t know this about him. He checks the boxes, but on a romantic relationship level, he’s not checking barely any of the boxes.

[Anonymous]

To those of you jumping on op - she kind of buried the lede that he may have a side piece. Sounds like HE is taking the lazy way out to be with his AP - instigates a fight and then says he wants a divorce, putting the blame on OP so he doesn't have to do the hard work of admitting he wants to leave the marriage to be with his twin flame.

Yes we're only hearing one side of it but if she literally just had this fight with the dh it's understandable that she's licking her wounds. Give OP some grace.

[Anonymous]

he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either

People only say this when they hurt a lot. He would not be hurt if he didn't love you. He wants the relationship.

[Anonymous]

How old are your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To those of you jumping on op - she kind of buried the lede that he may have a side piece. Sounds like HE is taking the lazy way out to be with his AP - instigates a fight and then says he wants a divorce, putting the blame on OP so he doesn't have to do the hard work of admitting he wants to leave the marriage to be with his twin flame.

Yes we're only hearing one side of it but if she literally just had this fight with the dh it's understandable that she's licking her wounds. Give OP some grace.

We’re hearing the version most favorable to OP, though, and it’s kind of lot to read, tbh. It just sounds like a couple who has been married for a long time who are low on time and energy and speaking past each other. She tries to win his affection with things he doesn’t appreciate. And he tries to win her affection with things she doesn’t appreciate.

Honestly it seems solvable to me if they both want it. But OP is going to need to step up and be an adult in word and follow-up action and tell her husband she wants things to be better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I probably sound whiny and complaining because, as I’ve mentioned, I am burned out. I summon my energy to interact with the kids and attend work meetings, then I have nothing left for myself or him. In this state, everything feels like a mountain to climb. He is not a monster. But this pattern in our marriage has been playing out for the past 8-10 years. We kiss and make up, then the same patterns re-emerge. He has said in the past that he’ll try to change to be more affectionate, but something has changed recently. His resentments have hardened. And it’s likely tied to me working longer hours at a job I am terrified of losing because it brings in the significantly bigger paycheck. I have never felt more vulnerable financially than this past year. I feel like he doesn’t see me fully. He never checks in to see how I’m doing. Am I stressed, sad, etc. He checks in on his mom, his friends, even his coworkers and former coworkers. Me? Not once.

I have been whipping up new recipes for dinner these past few weeks. Does he say anything about the food? Nope. The kids will. I try to joke and make light of it and sometimes ask if he likes the food? Then he’ll offer, yeah, it’s good. I can plan the most perfect vacation (I have), he tells me months later, that was nice. He’s just blah in his interactions with me. It’s like, I don’t want to pay her too much attention lest she thinks she’s a somebody. Being around him brings me down because I’m not used to sticking around people who bring me down. I keep my distance. But I married this guy and I didn’t know this about him. He checks the boxes, but on a romantic relationship level, he’s not checking barely any of the boxes.

You are whipping up recipes and feel unappreciated. He is stepping up daily with things that need to be done and he doesn’t feel appreciated. Do you not see the irony here? You are overvaluing stuff like “perfect vacation” (wtf if that anyway), and undervaluing a daily after dinner walk holding hands.

[Anonymous]

OMG research how to prepare for divorce - on a computer at the library. Find a good lawyer and protect yourself, your assets, your future and your children. You don't seem to have any idea of the life long impacts a divorce could have and you will be crying bitter tears later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those of you jumping on op - she kind of buried the lede that he may have a side piece. Sounds like HE is taking the lazy way out to be with his AP - instigates a fight and then says he wants a divorce, putting the blame on OP so he doesn't have to do the hard work of admitting he wants to leave the marriage to be with his twin flame.

Yes we're only hearing one side of it but if she literally just had this fight with the dh it's understandable that she's licking her wounds. Give OP some grace.

We’re hearing the version most favorable to OP, though, and it’s kind of lot to read, tbh. It just sounds like a couple who has been married for a long time who are low on time and energy and speaking past each other. She tries to win his affection with things he doesn’t appreciate. And he tries to win her affection with things she doesn’t appreciate.

Honestly it seems solvable to me if they both want it. But OP is going to need to step up and be an adult in word and follow-up action and tell her husband she wants things to be better.

Oh FFS she's pretty clear that his behavior has changed recently and noticeably and those of us who have BTDT understand. It doesn't sound like he's trying to win her affection at all. It's not solveable if one party doesn't want to solve it and it doesn't sound like he wants to solve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those of you jumping on op - she kind of buried the lede that he may have a side piece. Sounds like HE is taking the lazy way out to be with his AP - instigates a fight and then says he wants a divorce, putting the blame on OP so he doesn't have to do the hard work of admitting he wants to leave the marriage to be with his twin flame.

Yes we're only hearing one side of it but if she literally just had this fight with the dh it's understandable that she's licking her wounds. Give OP some grace.

We’re hearing the version most favorable to OP, though, and it’s kind of lot to read, tbh. It just sounds like a couple who has been married for a long time who are low on time and energy and speaking past each other. She tries to win his affection with things he doesn’t appreciate. And he tries to win her affection with things she doesn’t appreciate.

Honestly it seems solvable to me if they both want it. But OP is going to need to step up and be an adult in word and follow-up action and tell her husband she wants things to be better.

Oh FFS she's pretty clear that his behavior has changed recently and noticeably and those of us who have BTDT understand. It doesn't sound like he's trying to win her affection at all. It's not solveable if one party doesn't want to solve it and it doesn't sound like he wants to solve it.

Sounds like there has been much more going on for a long time. The trouble with you posters who have “BTDT” is that you cannot see anything else.

“But this pattern in our marriage has been playing out for the past 8-10 years. We kiss and make up, then the same patterns re-emerge. He has said in the past that he’ll try to change to be more affectionate, but something has changed recently. His resentments have hardened. And it’s likely tied to me working longer hours at a job I am terrified of losing because it brings in the significantly bigger paycheck”