I think we’re divorcing?

[Anonymous]

16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

[Anonymous]

Woah! Woah! Woah! Pump the breaks. You are clearly reeling from a terrible argument. Just take a deep breath. Can you take some time off from work to think about things?

[Anonymous]

Bye Felicia!

[Anonymous]

Gurlllll

[Anonymous]

I’ve been wanting to take time off to go to a wellness retreat alone. I just got back from a 1 week vacation where we traveled to stay with family. Aging parents. Needy sibling. It was stressful. He’s stressed at work, I’m stressed. We NEVER do date nights. In the past whenever I’ve proposed anything, he just made it super weird. So I stopped trying and tried to pretend like it was okay to be "with" someone with no connection other than going through the day to day. His view is that his contribution to the days to day stuff is him showing his love. He can go months with no non-sexual physical contact. That’s very difficult for me to do. But I have pretended for the past year or so it’s fine. I’m kinda crying now but whatever. I will be able to handle whatever happens, right? The shame of telling our family and friends that our marriage has failed. The even more lonely days and nights ahead. At least he prepared me a little for that though.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a fairly common, though not super frequent, typical married-a-long-time-with-kids-in-a-tough-stage-of-life argument.

I'm going to be honest with you: you sound like my mom, and here's why. A lot of "...but whatever" "it's fine" and general martyrdom and apathy with no interest in doing the hard work of problem solving. I mean, maybe you did that and you're over it. But it doesn't sound that way based on your post. I really bristle at my mom doing this so I'm bristling at your post.

So if you want advice mine is to stop using fluffy language and figure out what YOU want and don't let life happen to you and act like you have no will or say. Tell your husband want you want and how you feel, and at least try.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. My ex used to threaten divorce any time he got mad and I just lived with it till I had the courage to leave him.

Don’t let this make your choices for you: you can make your own choices! I’m sorry you’re in this spot and I wish you peace and self love as you determine what happens next

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been wanting to take time off to go to a wellness retreat alone. I just got back from a 1 week vacation where we traveled to stay with family. Aging parents. Needy sibling. It was stressful. He’s stressed at work, I’m stressed. We NEVER do date nights. In the past whenever I’ve proposed anything, he just made it super weird. So I stopped trying and tried to pretend like it was okay to be "with" someone with no connection other than going through the day to day. His view is that his contribution to the days to day stuff is him showing his love. He can go months with no non-sexual physical contact. That’s very difficult for me to do. But I have pretended for the past year or so it’s fine. I’m kinda crying now but whatever. I will be able to handle whatever happens, right? The shame of telling our family and friends that our marriage has failed. The even more lonely days and nights ahead. At least he prepared me a little for that though.

I’m PP but the loneliness of being alone is way, WAY less lonely than the pain of being lonely in a marriage. I promise.

[Anonymous]

If it happens, hoping it will be amicable. Even if it doesn’t happen, I have NO idea what he wants. I have told him CLEARLY what I want. I dont believe he’s capable of having that type of connection - at least not with me. He literally told me after I called him and he said he couldn’t talk, that I’m not entitled to ask why nor should he be expected to tell me. He might think that’s normal, but it sure as he’ll is not to me!! He also said that I need to start (start!) thinking about others besides myself. He is so offensive in so many ways. In the same breath he criticizes me for giving so much of my time listening to my siblings life troubles while we were on "vacation". Huh?
He is the only person in my life who can make me feel like shjtty about myself. As if I don’t measure up. Only him. Enough.

[Anonymous]

Ok so do you want a divorce? Or are you waiting for him to decide? Because it sounds like you want one, so you know you can get that ball rolling yourself, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been wanting to take time off to go to a wellness retreat alone. I just got back from a 1 week vacation where we traveled to stay with family. Aging parents. Needy sibling. It was stressful. He’s stressed at work, I’m stressed. We NEVER do date nights. In the past whenever I’ve proposed anything, he just made it super weird. So I stopped trying and tried to pretend like it was okay to be "with" someone with no connection other than going through the day to day. His view is that his contribution to the days to day stuff is him showing his love. He can go months with no non-sexual physical contact. That’s very difficult for me to do. But I have pretended for the past year or so it’s fine. I’m kinda crying now but whatever. I will be able to handle whatever happens, right? The shame of telling our family and friends that our marriage has failed. The even more lonely days and nights ahead. At least he prepared me a little for that though.

I’m PP but the loneliness of being alone is way, WAY less lonely than the pain of being lonely in a marriage. I promise.

++++

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woah! Woah! Woah! Pump the breaks. You are clearly reeling from a terrible argument. Just take a deep breath. Can you take some time off from work to think about things?

+1. Have you tried marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

This is something a lot of couples go through. They stop nurturing their relationship and it suffers. They stop having sex. But with a good counselor and kindness and prioritizing the marriage it can recover.

My husband and I have had way worse fights than what OP wrote.

[Anonymous]

You are both stressed. You both sound resentful. Neither of you seems to like who the other person is right now. You are both blaming each other.

Wait till the heat of the argument is over and then discuss. If one of you is done, done then time to divorce and move on. If you both still see something worth saving, then marriage counselling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok so do you want a divorce? Or are you waiting for him to decide? Because it sounds like you want one, so you know you can get that ball rolling yourself, right?

To be honest, I’m not sure anymore. At this point, I’m thinking mostly about the kids. I don’t want to upend their lives. I am open to staying in the marriage for the kids’ sake. But it will likely be an open marriage. At least for him, if that’s what he wants.