I think we’re divorcing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP i think you should continue to lean in at work and enjoy your divorce.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

OP I’m not sure why no one else has picked up on this, but this sounds like textbook depression. The numbness, the exhaustion, the desire to just give up, none of this is what you would say if you were in a healthy place, good marriage or not.

You need to see a counselor or therapist like yesterday and take meds if that’s what you need to get out of this funk.

Given this, I’m not sure about your narrative of events: is your husband interested in a local divorcee? Why do you think this? In the marriage over or is the fog in your mind making everything, including a pretty normal sounding rough patch, look grey?

I think you need professional help first and foremost, even before marriage counseling or seeing a divorce lawyer. You owe it to yourself and your kids. And maybe you are right about DH and maybe he is in an affair and maybe the marriage is over, but you need to stop drowning first.

I’m afraid this could be true. I’m not used to asking for help at work. I just power through. What do I say to my boss to get the time I need? I’m afraid of looking weak and incapable of handling my responsibilities at work although my last review went very well.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I are doing a home remodel and she threatens to move out/divorce or move us every day. Our contractor went to jail and my wife was more cool with that than with his mother in law who came over to "help" while he was away. We openly joke about my mom being equally as nutty.

My wife says it sounds like a bad fight where divorce makes sense to end the BS. Decide if you want to end the BS. Of course a divorce might mean another type of BS. My wife likes marriage because you CAN get out if you really want to. No fault divorce is great in her eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

OP I’m not sure why no one else has picked up on this, but this sounds like textbook depression. The numbness, the exhaustion, the desire to just give up, none of this is what you would say if you were in a healthy place, good marriage or not.

You need to see a counselor or therapist like yesterday and take meds if that’s what you need to get out of this funk.

Given this, I’m not sure about your narrative of events: is your husband interested in a local divorcee? Why do you think this? In the marriage over or is the fog in your mind making everything, including a pretty normal sounding rough patch, look grey?

I think you need professional help first and foremost, even before marriage counseling or seeing a divorce lawyer. You owe it to yourself and your kids. And maybe you are right about DH and maybe he is in an affair and maybe the marriage is over, but you need to stop drowning first.

I’m afraid this could be true. I’m not used to asking for help at work. I just power through. What do I say to my boss to get the time I need? I’m afraid of looking weak and incapable of handling my responsibilities at work although my last review went very well.

Do you need to give your supervisor a reason to take time off of work? Isn’t it your leave to take when you want? Tell him you’ve wanted to try a staycation and catch up on spring cleaning.

I think professional help is more important than taking time off. You need to have a plan for how to get out of this overwhelm you are feeling long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

OP I’m not sure why no one else has picked up on this, but this sounds like textbook depression. The numbness, the exhaustion, the desire to just give up, none of this is what you would say if you were in a healthy place, good marriage or not.

You need to see a counselor or therapist like yesterday and take meds if that’s what you need to get out of this funk.

Given this, I’m not sure about your narrative of events: is your husband interested in a local divorcee? Why do you think this? In the marriage over or is the fog in your mind making everything, including a pretty normal sounding rough patch, look grey?

I think you need professional help first and foremost, even before marriage counseling or seeing a divorce lawyer. You owe it to yourself and your kids. And maybe you are right about DH and maybe he is in an affair and maybe the marriage is over, but you need to stop drowning first.

I’m afraid this could be true. I’m not used to asking for help at work. I just power through. What do I say to my boss to get the time I need? I’m afraid of looking weak and incapable of handling my responsibilities at work although my last review went very well.

Do you need to give your supervisor a reason to take time off of work? Isn’t it your leave to take when you want? Tell him you’ve wanted to try a staycation and catch up on spring cleaning.

I think professional help is more important than taking time off. You need to have a plan for how to get out of this overwhelm you are feeling long term.

No harm in telling the truth that you feel like you need to spend some uninterrupted time to nurture yourself and your family.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you suspect your husband might be gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

It looks like you have decided to divorce and strangers on this board are encouraging you to do so. Enjoy your divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP i think you should continue to lean in at work and enjoy your divorce.

She is not leaning into work for fun, she said she is worried about finance. Don't be an ass even if you don't have mouths to feed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

It looks like you have decided to divorce and strangers on this board are encouraging you to do so. Enjoy your divorce.

Pretty sure the dh said it first but go ahead and $hit on OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

I just find it stupid that both of you feel other person is dropping the rope so might as well you too should drop it and call it a day. Why did you marry each other, have kids, build a life? Just to throw it away when things get hard? Just to compete and criticize and hold contempt? What if he and divorced lady are indeed coming close? Why would you throw the towel in and let them ruin lives of your children? Drag your asses to a good therapist and find tools to fix your crumbling world. Try to figure out when and why you two stopped to love, respect and communicate and start again.

Even if I wanted to initiate therapy, I don’t know how I would bring up the topic. It all just feels so messy. Like I can’t make any of it work. Why would he even listen to me? He is not interested in making it work. He is convinced I am not worth it, I’m sure of it.

“Joe - that was a horrible fight. I don’t want to live this way and you deserve not to either. Before we give up on this life we’ve built together, I think we both owe it to each other, and ourselves, and especially the kids to see if we can fix this. I’ve found some counselors we could try. I agree with you that things are broken and maybe we are at a place where we should be talking about divorce. But it’s a big decision and I’d really like us to talk through it with some help and see how f it’s possible to fix what’s broken.”

I know it’s hard to hear, but as an earlier PP pointed out, you are playing the martyr here and acting like you have no agency. You absolutely can initiate a conversation about counseling and try to make things work but you’re going straight to “I can’t make anything work, he won’t listen.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

OP I’m not sure why no one else has picked up on this, but this sounds like textbook depression. The numbness, the exhaustion, the desire to just give up, none of this is what you would say if you were in a healthy place, good marriage or not.

You need to see a counselor or therapist like yesterday and take meds if that’s what you need to get out of this funk.

Given this, I’m not sure about your narrative of events: is your husband interested in a local divorcee? Why do you think this? In the marriage over or is the fog in your mind making everything, including a pretty normal sounding rough patch, look grey?

I think you need professional help first and foremost, even before marriage counseling or seeing a divorce lawyer. You owe it to yourself and your kids. And maybe you are right about DH and maybe he is in an affair and maybe the marriage is over, but you need to stop drowning first.

Agree with this.

More for yourself and your kids. You deserve to be healthy and thriving and your kids want to see that for you.

You have a successful career, you like being creative, you love to travel. These are meaningful to YOU. Get a place where your enjoyment of these things is enough.

Your DH isn’t going to see you and appreciate you. Most men don’t experience life in a way that motivates them to understand what that even means. There’s an irony that the hardship of separation and divorce will cause that change, and that’s an infuriating reality that a counselor or even ChatGPT can help you process.

Once you’ve processed the the grief that this is your reality, you can start reimagining your future based on your own meaning.

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP ^^

I’m not suggesting getting divorced, I think you can find some peace with your situation as it is. But you have to accept that it’s your oarh to walk alone, at least for awhile.

Once you’re feeling calmer, you might look into Terry Real’s Relationship Life Therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

OP I’m not sure why no one else has picked up on this, but this sounds like textbook depression. The numbness, the exhaustion, the desire to just give up, none of this is what you would say if you were in a healthy place, good marriage or not.

You need to see a counselor or therapist like yesterday and take meds if that’s what you need to get out of this funk.

Given this, I’m not sure about your narrative of events: is your husband interested in a local divorcee? Why do you think this? In the marriage over or is the fog in your mind making everything, including a pretty normal sounding rough patch, look grey?

I think you need professional help first and foremost, even before marriage counseling or seeing a divorce lawyer. You owe it to yourself and your kids. And maybe you are right about DH and maybe he is in an affair and maybe the marriage is over, but you need to stop drowning first.

Agree with this.

More for yourself and your kids. You deserve to be healthy and thriving and your kids want to see that for you.

You have a successful career, you like being creative, you love to travel. These are meaningful to YOU. Get a place where your enjoyment of these things is enough.

Your DH isn’t going to see you and appreciate you. Most men don’t experience life in a way that motivates them to understand what that even means. There’s an irony that the hardship of separation and divorce will cause that change, and that’s an infuriating reality that a counselor or even ChatGPT can help you process.

Once you’ve processed the the grief that this is your reality, you can start reimagining your future based on your own meaning.

I’m not sure why most posters are catastrophizing what sounds to me like a pretty mild midlife marriage rough patch. Sorry, “not appreciating each other” is not a good enough reason to get divorced, lose 50% of your time with your kids, upend their world, and lose 50% of your assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

OP I’m not sure why no one else has picked up on this, but this sounds like textbook depression. The numbness, the exhaustion, the desire to just give up, none of this is what you would say if you were in a healthy place, good marriage or not.

You need to see a counselor or therapist like yesterday and take meds if that’s what you need to get out of this funk.

Given this, I’m not sure about your narrative of events: is your husband interested in a local divorcee? Why do you think this? In the marriage over or is the fog in your mind making everything, including a pretty normal sounding rough patch, look grey?

I think you need professional help first and foremost, even before marriage counseling or seeing a divorce lawyer. You owe it to yourself and your kids. And maybe you are right about DH and maybe he is in an affair and maybe the marriage is over, but you need to stop drowning first.

Agree with this.

More for yourself and your kids. You deserve to be healthy and thriving and your kids want to see that for you.

You have a successful career, you like being creative, you love to travel. These are meaningful to YOU. Get a place where your enjoyment of these things is enough.

Your DH isn’t going to see you and appreciate you. Most men don’t experience life in a way that motivates them to understand what that even means. There’s an irony that the hardship of separation and divorce will cause that change, and that’s an infuriating reality that a counselor or even ChatGPT can help you process.

Once you’ve processed the the grief that this is your reality, you can start reimagining your future based on your own meaning.

I’m not sure why most posters are catastrophizing what sounds to me like a pretty mild midlife marriage rough patch. Sorry, “not appreciating each other” is not a good enough reason to get divorced, lose 50% of your time with your kids, upend their world, and lose 50% of your assets.

+100

We had a doozy few years midlife. Now at 55 it’s like we were temporarily different people. All is good now - 1 kid in college and one more year to go with 2nd kid. That time mid late-40s seems so distant now. We are in a great place now, happy!