I think we’re divorcing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woah! Woah! Woah! Pump the breaks. You are clearly reeling from a terrible argument. Just take a deep breath. Can you take some time off from work to think about things?

Good advice

[Anonymous]

Therapy. Sounds like it is time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok so do you want a divorce? Or are you waiting for him to decide? Because it sounds like you want one, so you know you can get that ball rolling yourself, right?

To be honest, I’m not sure anymore. At this point, I’m thinking mostly about the kids. I don’t want to upend their lives. I am open to staying in the marriage for the kids’ sake. But it will likely be an open marriage. At least for him, if that’s what he wants.

Aren’t they adults? Based on the length of the marriage I was assuming they were? Kids don’t need married parents, they need respected parents. If you are not being respected in your marriage they will be proud of you for getting out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

I just find it stupid that both of you feel other person is dropping the rope so might as well you too should drop it and call it a day. Why did you marry each other, have kids, build a life? Just to throw it away when things get hard? Just to compete and criticize and hold contempt? What if he and divorced lady are indeed coming close? Why would you throw the towel in and let them ruin lives of your children? Drag your asses to a good therapist and find tools to fix your crumbling world. Try to figure out when and why you two stopped to love, respect and communicate and start again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been wanting to take time off to go to a wellness retreat alone. I just got back from a 1 week vacation where we traveled to stay with family. Aging parents. Needy sibling. It was stressful. He’s stressed at work, I’m stressed. We NEVER do date nights. In the past whenever I’ve proposed anything, he just made it super weird. So I stopped trying and tried to pretend like it was okay to be "with" someone with no connection other than going through the day to day. His view is that his contribution to the days to day stuff is him showing his love. He can go months with no non-sexual physical contact. That’s very difficult for me to do. But I have pretended for the past year or so it’s fine. I’m kinda crying now but whatever. I will be able to handle whatever happens, right? The shame of telling our family and friends that our marriage has failed. The even more lonely days and nights ahead. At least he prepared me a little for that though.

I’m PP but the loneliness of being alone is way, WAY less lonely than the pain of being lonely in a marriage. I promise.

It really isn't. They are both lonely. The situation with less problems is less stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

I just find it stupid that both of you feel other person is dropping the rope so might as well you too should drop it and call it a day. Why did you marry each other, have kids, build a life? Just to throw it away when things get hard? Just to compete and criticize and hold contempt? What if he and divorced lady are indeed coming close? Why would you throw the towel in and let them ruin lives of your children? Drag your asses to a good therapist and find tools to fix your crumbling world. Try to figure out when and why you two stopped to love, respect and communicate and start again.

Honestly one of the best posts I've ever read on this board.

[Anonymous]

I am tired of hearing, “ I am staying for the kids,” statement. Do you imagine they don’t see the disfunction in your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am tired of hearing, “ I am staying for the kids,” statement. Do you imagine they don’t see the disfunction in your house?

They see it, they want/need you to fix it.
Don't kid yourself, that children wish to have a broken home instead!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok so do you want a divorce? Or are you waiting for him to decide? Because it sounds like you want one, so you know you can get that ball rolling yourself, right?

To be honest, I’m not sure anymore. At this point, I’m thinking mostly about the kids. I don’t want to upend their lives. I am open to staying in the marriage for the kids’ sake. But it will likely be an open marriage. At least for him, if that’s what he wants.

Aren’t they adults? Based on the length of the marriage I was assuming they were? Kids don’t need married parents, they need respected parents. If you are not being respected in your marriage they will be proud of you for getting out.

Not the OP, but she says she’s been married for 16 years. The kids are not adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

I just find it stupid that both of you feel other person is dropping the rope so might as well you too should drop it and call it a day. Why did you marry each other, have kids, build a life? Just to throw it away when things get hard? Just to compete and criticize and hold contempt? What if he and divorced lady are indeed coming close? Why would you throw the towel in and let them ruin lives of your children? Drag your asses to a good therapist and find tools to fix your crumbling world. Try to figure out when and why you two stopped to love, respect and communicate and start again.

Even if I wanted to initiate therapy, I don’t know how I would bring up the topic. It all just feels so messy. Like I can’t make any of it work. Why would he even listen to me? He is not interested in making it work. He is convinced I am not worth it, I’m sure of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

I just find it stupid that both of you feel other person is dropping the rope so might as well you too should drop it and call it a day. Why did you marry each other, have kids, build a life? Just to throw it away when things get hard? Just to compete and criticize and hold contempt? What if he and divorced lady are indeed coming close? Why would you throw the towel in and let them ruin lives of your children? Drag your asses to a good therapist and find tools to fix your crumbling world. Try to figure out when and why you two stopped to love, respect and communicate and start again.

Even if I wanted to initiate therapy, I don’t know how I would bring up the topic. It all just feels so messy. Like I can’t make any of it work. Why would he even listen to me? He is not interested in making it work. He is convinced I am not worth it, I’m sure of it.

Ya gotta ask him...sit down when you're both at ease, kids aren't around. Talk about all you have, all you've done, and all it could be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am tired of hearing, “ I am staying for the kids,” statement. Do you imagine they don’t see the disfunction in your house?

This. Divorce.
Your children are well aware of the broken marriage -- they see the disfunction and disrespect.
Zero need to continue to stay in that type of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a fairly common, though not super frequent, typical married-a-long-time-with-kids-in-a-tough-stage-of-life argument.

I'm going to be honest with you: you sound like my mom, and here's why. A lot of "...but whatever" "it's fine" and general martyrdom and apathy with no interest in doing the hard work of problem solving. I mean, maybe you did that and you're over it. But it doesn't sound that way based on your post. I really bristle at my mom doing this so I'm bristling at your post.

So if you want advice mine is to stop using fluffy language and figure out what YOU want and don't let life happen to you and act like you have no will or say. Tell your husband want you want and how you feel, and at least try.

This. How can you be so passive about something so important.

Being there day to day IS love. OP, grow up and recognize that a man who is with you faithfully for the daily grind is worth a lot more than you’re giving credit for. You will not be better off divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it happens, hoping it will be amicable. Even if it doesn’t happen, I have NO idea what he wants. I have told him CLEARLY what I want. I dont believe he’s capable of having that type of connection - at least not with me. He literally told me after I called him and he said he couldn’t talk, that I’m not entitled to ask why nor should he be expected to tell me. He might think that’s normal, but it sure as he’ll is not to me!! He also said that I need to start (start!) thinking about others besides myself. He is so offensive in so many ways. In the same breath he criticizes me for giving so much of my time listening to my siblings life troubles while we were on "vacation". Huh?
He is the only person in my life who can make me feel like shjtty about myself. As if I don’t measure up. Only him. Enough.

OP, you and he are each saying the same thing in different ways. He’s saying you prioritize other things and people ahead of him and your marriage. Remove the note from your own eye and take a break from thinking he’s the entire problem. I think you could benefit from therapy, and not the kind where you complain and the therapist supports you in whatever you think or say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, just got into a huge shouting match. He ended it with "Let’s end it then!" I said, then go ahead! He is not one to just say things, even in the heat of the moment. I’m so burned out from work I’m emotionally numb. My life is falling apart and I can’t even feel anything as it’s happening. Maybe this is for the best? I’m not happy the way things are. He doesn’t appreciate me and I will never be perfect, which is what he wants. Based on what he said during the fight, he feels I don’t prioritize him or appreciate him either. The children will be devastated. He’ll never be able to stop neglecting me emotionally. It’s always been that way. I have a feeling he is interested in another woman (divorced), and she’s likely interested in him. Well, I’ll not stand in his way. Go find your happiness and leave me to figure out my own situation.

I just find it stupid that both of you feel other person is dropping the rope so might as well you too should drop it and call it a day. Why did you marry each other, have kids, build a life? Just to throw it away when things get hard? Just to compete and criticize and hold contempt? What if he and divorced lady are indeed coming close? Why would you throw the towel in and let them ruin lives of your children? Drag your asses to a good therapist and find tools to fix your crumbling world. Try to figure out when and why you two stopped to love, respect and communicate and start again.

Even if I wanted to initiate therapy, I don’t know how I would bring up the topic. It all just feels so messy. Like I can’t make any of it work. Why would he even listen to me? He is not interested in making it work. He is convinced I am not worth it, I’m sure of it.

OP seriously, take some responsibility for your own life and family. You are blaming him for everything even for your own lack of effort.