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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, it's possible they're expecting a lot less hosting than you think they are. They might have been following your lead. My family is the opposite-- my DH's parents jump in and help/interfere with everything, and my family of origin treats all guests as honored VIPs who aren't supposed to help. It took some getting used to, but eventually I realized I was making them uncomfortable by hosting them according to my own social norms. They were completely fine with me doing less, all along. So give it a try, you might like it and they might like it too.[/quote]

Very much this. We could all learn from this post.[/quote]

Agree! Normally we try to be really good hosts and it is my family culture for hosts to treat guests as honored VIPs by default but also for guests to not take too much advantage and proactively try and help the hosts.

I will try to hang back and proactively assign some tasks to the ILs for this visit, like asking them to take the dog out for her morning walk and pick up breakfast at a nearby cafe while doing so. This is the type of stuff that my family would just proactively do and that I would typically not ask other guests to do, but we are adjusting to a new normal now with the baby...  [/quote]

I think you need to understand that when your parents proactively do these things, it is considered helpful. Or if it is not- you can just tell them so. They are not your guests.

With ILs, it is very different. For them to jump up and start cleaning the kitchen, running out to pickup breakfast or a lot of other things- it could be considered intrusive or make you feel criticized or judged “what don’t they think my kitchen is clean enough?!” “They don’t like the food we have here, or think I can’t cook?” blah blah. For them, it is in some ways a no-win situation. They are guests and it will be a very long time (if ever) before they are as close to you as your parents are.

The main thing you need to do here is shift the hosting responsibilities onto DH. HE should be planning visits, meals or takeout, doing all cleanup, asking them for the help he needs etc. When they visit, DH is in charge. You sit on the sofa, take care of the baby, and relax and chat.  Once the ILs see DH is the responsible party, they’ll probably jump in and help, as well….because he is their son and they feel more comfortable. And if they don’t- that is for DH to discuss with them if he wants. Nothing to even do with you. Also, if they get a bit annoying, just go and take a nap with the baby. When you have an infant, this is always a valid excuse.

Also, if DH is the host, he may find these visits more tiring. Thus keeping the frequency to a reasonable amount. Or even finding them an air BNB after all…[/quote]

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