For those of you who prioritized "the spark"/attractiveness/sexual chemistry, how have things turned out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I accepted a little less spark, but still some spark, for a man who is EXCELLENT on all fundamentals that matter to me. So no regrets.

I had so much spark with high school and college boyfriends but looking at how their lives turned out, no regrets. You can't live on spark and the very fun sparky guys turn out to have ADHD far too often.

Haha, this is true in my case. My DH has severe ADHD. We have had a strong spark for 30 yrs and the sex is great but the ADHD is exhausting.

what happens in ADHD and how it affects the spark?

It makes people unreliable and makes it difficult for them to handle the inevitable more difficult periods of life. Especially with kids because kids require a lot of organizational skills and executive functioning. It kills the spark because the non-ADHD person starts to look at them as another child to manage, as if she's their mom, and it's really unsexy. The imbalance of chores and contributions to the household makes the non-ADHD spouse tired and resentful, which is also unsexy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I accepted a little less spark, but still some spark, for a man who is EXCELLENT on all fundamentals that matter to me. So no regrets.

I had so much spark with high school and college boyfriends but looking at how their lives turned out, no regrets. You can't live on spark and the very fun sparky guys turn out to have ADHD far too often.

Haha, this is true in my case. My DH has severe ADHD. We have had a strong spark for 30 yrs and the sex is great but the ADHD is exhausting.

what happens in ADHD and how it affects the spark?

It makes people unreliable and makes it difficult for them to handle the inevitable more difficult periods of life. Especially with kids because kids require a lot of organizational skills and executive functioning. It kills the spark because the non-ADHD person starts to look at them as another child to manage, as if she's their mom, and it's really unsexy. The imbalance of chores and contributions to the household makes the non-ADHD spouse tired and resentful, which is also unsexy.

Yeah, but ADHD folks are more fun so it's a trade off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I accepted a little less spark, but still some spark, for a man who is EXCELLENT on all fundamentals that matter to me. So no regrets.

I had so much spark with high school and college boyfriends but looking at how their lives turned out, no regrets. You can't live on spark and the very fun sparky guys turn out to have ADHD far too often.

Haha, this is true in my case. My DH has severe ADHD. We have had a strong spark for 30 yrs and the sex is great but the ADHD is exhausting.

what happens in ADHD and how it affects the spark?

It makes people unreliable and makes it difficult for them to handle the inevitable more difficult periods of life. Especially with kids because kids require a lot of organizational skills and executive functioning. It kills the spark because the non-ADHD person starts to look at them as another child to manage, as if she's their mom, and it's really unsexy. The imbalance of chores and contributions to the household makes the non-ADHD spouse tired and resentful, which is also unsexy.

This describes my parents’ relationship perfectly. As the eldest I watched it unfold in real time.

[Anonymous]

I settled for things other than a spark. I now regret it and we are heading for divorce because the relationship really soured for other reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I accepted a little less spark, but still some spark, for a man who is EXCELLENT on all fundamentals that matter to me. So no regrets.

I had so much spark with high school and college boyfriends but looking at how their lives turned out, no regrets. You can't live on spark and the very fun sparky guys turn out to have ADHD far too often.

Haha, this is true in my case. My DH has severe ADHD. We have had a strong spark for 30 yrs and the sex is great but the ADHD is exhausting.

what happens in ADHD and how it affects the spark?

It makes people unreliable and makes it difficult for them to handle the inevitable more difficult periods of life. Especially with kids because kids require a lot of organizational skills and executive functioning. It kills the spark because the non-ADHD person starts to look at them as another child to manage, as if she's their mom, and it's really unsexy. The imbalance of chores and contributions to the household makes the non-ADHD spouse tired and resentful, which is also unsexy.

Yeah, but ADHD folks are more fun so it's a trade off.

Yes. It seems worth it at first, when there's only two adults in the household and the non-ADHD partner finds it manageable to compensate for the other. But when there are kids and the household becomes much more complicated, and-- importantly-- the need for money becomes higher and less flexible, then the non-ADHD partner is unable to compensate sufficiently and that leads to resentment.

As the couple approaches late 40s, early 50s, the ADHD partner often hits a wall, call it burnout or aging or whatever, and their functioning actually decreases. Sometimes coinciding with or contributing to job loss. This happens just as college tuition is getting nearer. This puts an enormous strain on the relationship.

So basically what seemed like a good tradeoff starts to seem like a very bad deal.

[Anonymous]

DH and I met 30 years ago and have been married 25 years. We had physical attraction/sexual chemistry from the jump, but we were friends for two years before we acted on that. Based on our experience, I'd say you need the physical attraction, but that alone is not sufficient. Spark is also needed, but I'd define it in a way that goes beyond sex -- for me, it's really about getting each other's jokes, laughing together (even, maybe especially, when you're in a tough place), and just having fun together.

Beyond all of this, however, in the long run, you need to have kindness, respect (civility even), and a commitment to having each other's back. The last doesn't mean that we always tell each other we're right, even when we're wrong (sorry, Sade and Rogers & Hammerstein), but that when we disagree, we do so with love. DH sees the best in me and when he feels like I'm not being that person, he'll call me on it. And I do the same for him. For that, I am profoundly grateful.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure i prioritized it but we had a spark. I knew from my prior love relationship that it was more important to have than I had thought. When I lost interest in my boyfriend it was not good. My husband and I went through some hard times, including his layoff and not having much money for a few years. The spark got us through that time period. We had great sex and it kept us close. It was not the only way we were compatible but it is important to have that between you because at one point I think it was about all we had. We've been married for 35 years.

[Anonymous]

So to sum it up, you need a spark PLUS the other things. One cannot live on spark alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I accepted a little less spark, but still some spark, for a man who is EXCELLENT on all fundamentals that matter to me. So no regrets.

I had so much spark with high school and college boyfriends but looking at how their lives turned out, no regrets. You can't live on spark and the very fun sparky guys turn out to have ADHD far too often.

Haha, this is true in my case. My DH has severe ADHD. We have had a strong spark for 30 yrs and the sex is great but the ADHD is exhausting.

what happens in ADHD and how it affects the spark?

It makes people unreliable and makes it difficult for them to handle the inevitable more difficult periods of life. Especially with kids because kids require a lot of organizational skills and executive functioning. It kills the spark because the non-ADHD person starts to look at them as another child to manage, as if she's their mom, and it's really unsexy. The imbalance of chores and contributions to the household makes the non-ADHD spouse tired and resentful, which is also unsexy.

Yeah, but ADHD folks are more fun so it's a trade off.

Yes. It seems worth it at first, when there's only two adults in the household and the non-ADHD partner finds it manageable to compensate for the other. But when there are kids and the household becomes much more complicated, and-- importantly-- the need for money becomes higher and less flexible, then the non-ADHD partner is unable to compensate sufficiently and that leads to resentment.

As the couple approaches late 40s, early 50s, the ADHD partner often hits a wall, call it burnout or aging or whatever, and their functioning actually decreases. Sometimes coinciding with or contributing to job loss. This happens just as college tuition is getting nearer. This puts an enormous strain on the relationship.

So basically what seemed like a good tradeoff starts to seem like a very bad deal.

Yup

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I accepted a little less spark, but still some spark, for a man who is EXCELLENT on all fundamentals that matter to me. So no regrets.

I had so much spark with high school and college boyfriends but looking at how their lives turned out, no regrets. You can't live on spark and the very fun sparky guys turn out to have ADHD far too often.

Haha, this is true in my case. My DH has severe ADHD. We have had a strong spark for 30 yrs and the sex is great but the ADHD is exhausting.

what happens in ADHD and how it affects the spark?

It makes people unreliable and makes it difficult for them to handle the inevitable more difficult periods of life. Especially with kids because kids require a lot of organizational skills and executive functioning. It kills the spark because the non-ADHD person starts to look at them as another child to manage, as if she's their mom, and it's really unsexy. The imbalance of chores and contributions to the household makes the non-ADHD spouse tired and resentful, which is also unsexy.

Yeah, but ADHD folks are more fun so it's a trade off.

Yes. It seems worth it at first, when there's only two adults in the household and the non-ADHD partner finds it manageable to compensate for the other. But when there are kids and the household becomes much more complicated, and-- importantly-- the need for money becomes higher and less flexible, then the non-ADHD partner is unable to compensate sufficiently and that leads to resentment.

As the couple approaches late 40s, early 50s, the ADHD partner often hits a wall, call it burnout or aging or whatever, and their functioning actually decreases. Sometimes coinciding with or contributing to job loss. This happens just as college tuition is getting nearer. This puts an enormous strain on the relationship.

So basically what seemed like a good tradeoff starts to seem like a very bad deal.

I’m an earlier poster. Yes and no to bad deal. I mean my DH is great in bed, makes a ton of $$, and cooks most nights. But, he has never signed our kids up for camp, filled out new school year paperwork, cleaned the fridge and a ton of other things that are needed in life. Are we happy? Yes Is the spark still there? Yes But, I’m exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I accepted a little less spark, but still some spark, for a man who is EXCELLENT on all fundamentals that matter to me. So no regrets.

I had so much spark with high school and college boyfriends but looking at how their lives turned out, no regrets. You can't live on spark and the very fun sparky guys turn out to have ADHD far too often.

Haha, this is true in my case. My DH has severe ADHD. We have had a strong spark for 30 yrs and the sex is great but the ADHD is exhausting.

what happens in ADHD and how it affects the spark?

It makes people unreliable and makes it difficult for them to handle the inevitable more difficult periods of life. Especially with kids because kids require a lot of organizational skills and executive functioning. It kills the spark because the non-ADHD person starts to look at them as another child to manage, as if she's their mom, and it's really unsexy. The imbalance of chores and contributions to the household makes the non-ADHD spouse tired and resentful, which is also unsexy.

This describes my parents’ relationship perfectly. As the eldest I watched it unfold in real time.

I agree, my mom has ADHD and never bothered to treat it. My father is a grown up and handles most of life for my mom. My mom was always messing up at work and being too slow, would forget to pick up the kids from school, never showed up on time for anything. My dad confessed to me recently he would have not stayed married to my mom if he was not religious....that was a surprise for me. My mom is a good person but she has so much trouble with daily tasks and she never really seemed like a parent to me, more like a child who needed taking care of.