For those of you who prioritized "the spark"/attractiveness/sexual chemistry, how have things turned out?

[Anonymous]

I have heard a lot of people warning that the spark will inevitably die, so you should go for more logical reasons when choosing a partner. I would love to know from people who married someone because the chemistry and attraction was insane, and seeing how long that lasted/fueled the relationship long term. Also please state your gender! And would you marry for the same reasons if you could do it again?

[Anonymous]

female - spark still there, saves him on a regular basis. (kind of kidding, but not attracted to many men at all, and my DH of 20 years is one of those lucky few and it does make it hard to stay mad at him sometimes).

would do it again (but to be 100% honest there have been periods where I questioned this - I think that is normal across the span of decades together).

on other respects we are very very different (but also both extremely independent)

[Anonymous]

Great, but he’s also kind, supportive, and funny. I didn’t have to compromise on one or the other.

[Anonymous]

I accepted a little less spark, but still some spark, for a man who is EXCELLENT on all fundamentals that matter to me. So no regrets.

I had so much spark with high school and college boyfriends but looking at how their lives turned out, no regrets. You can't live on spark and the very fun sparky guys turn out to have ADHD far too often.

[Anonymous]

DH and I had ‘the spark’ at first, but it was really our strong friendship chemistry that kept us moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Point of contrast: I thought 'the spark' was overrated and settled for a 'nice enough' guy. When the nice stopped (early in the marriage), there was literally nothing left to save the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Male, married 20 years and yes I'd do it again.

When I was younger I attempted to date within my religion. Met quite a few women who would have been a great match "on paper" but the chemistry just wasn't there. My wife and I were introduced randomly by a mutual friend and we clicked immediately.

[Anonymous]

Meeting my husband was like being struck by lightning- I was also very young. Our relationship is not just spark though, we have a very deep friendship and emotional trust that is carrying us. I don’t know if the spark is still there but I find him very cute and funny and I love snuggling/sex.

I will say that if I hadn’t married him and knew what I know now, I would have focused more on an intellectual connection. I do not like being the big nerd in my relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I accepted a little less spark, but still some spark, for a man who is EXCELLENT on all fundamentals that matter to me. So no regrets.

I had so much spark with high school and college boyfriends but looking at how their lives turned out, no regrets. You can't live on spark and the very fun sparky guys turn out to have ADHD far too often.

Haha, this is true in my case. My DH has severe ADHD. We have had a strong spark for 30 yrs and the sex is great but the ADHD is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

We were coworkers and there was a real spark on my side but I knew not to go there. But after three years and at a time when we were both solo and had become very good friends I made a move on him and that was that. While the spark was there from the beginning it was really the friendship that made it work.

[Anonymous]

For me the spark was usually connected to an instant friendship that kept the bond going after the sparky-ness faded. I like to be really understood and able to talk and laugh forever. That’s what we still have even when sex is less exciting

[Anonymous]

My husband and I had insane chemistry and yes, it does help us get through the years. But we also have an intellectual connection and similar outlook on life. So it wasn't *only* the spark.

But years ago I interviewed someone about love and marriage, and an older woman told me that sex is the glue that holds you together. I took that to heart, I think -- through all the ups and downs of a long relationship, when you will definitely be annoyed with each other, a strong sexual attraction really helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I accepted a little less spark, but still some spark, for a man who is EXCELLENT on all fundamentals that matter to me. So no regrets.

I had so much spark with high school and college boyfriends but looking at how their lives turned out, no regrets. You can't live on spark and the very fun sparky guys turn out to have ADHD far too often.

This is so true!

[Anonymous]

We've always had good chemistry, and I think it helps with frequency and quality of intimacy- woman married for 20 years

[Anonymous]

DH and I had great chemistry and attraction from Day 1. After 19 years together, 16 years of marriage, and 3 kids, it’s 100% still there. That said, there are a lot of other things that make us compatible - similar values, backgrounds, interests, life goals, sense of humor, etc. I don’t think attraction alone is enough, but it is a very strong force that holds you together during difficult times.