For those of you who prioritized "the spark"/attractiveness/sexual chemistry, how have things turned out?

[Anonymous]

It works if personalities really have that spark.
Physical is unsustainable over decades.

I was hot, rich and in my prime when we met.

I had my pick of options.

I was not hot, less rich and had kids.

But laughing and stupid stuff remained.

Now I am hot again, rich again and spouse not so much. But laughing and personality keeps the spark alive.

Love my wife the same after 25 years. Wish she still had visible abs still like me - but laughing is the best exercise for any relationship.

[Anonymous]

I mistook lovebombing for chemistry and overloooked a million red flags.

Female, three kids. Divorce’s seven years have a great life never remarrying, though I love men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It works if personalities really have that spark.
Physical is unsustainable over decades.

I was hot, rich and in my prime when we met.

I had my pick of options.

I was not hot, less rich and had kids.

But laughing and stupid stuff remained.

Now I am hot again, rich again and spouse not so much. But laughing and personality keeps the spark alive.

Love my wife the same after 25 years. Wish she still had visible abs still like me - but laughing is the best exercise for any relationship.

If she had "visible abs like you" she would look fairly masculine. 🤔

[Anonymous]

I mean, find both! I did and almost 20 years later I'm still wildly in love with and attracted to my husband. Literally every day I feel intense attraction towards him, but I wouldn't have married him only for that. He also happens to be my best friend, a great husband and father, but why settle for less than all the things?

[Anonymous]

I feel like attraction matters but in the end, kindness and loyalty are the most important traits in spouses, with that a couple can figure everything out. Having no debt, stable jobs and stable/supportive families also helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like attraction matters but in the end, kindness and loyalty are the most important traits in spouses, with that a couple can figure everything out. Having no debt, stable jobs and stable/supportive families also helps.

Totally agree.
My DH is 10/10 on kindness, loyalty and being a standup human and terrific dad; he is also 10/10 on being stable in every way, despite having weathered some serious storms in his youth.

I’d say he is 7/10 on looks and we have decent (but not off the charts) chemistry.

Grateful every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Point of contrast: I thought 'the spark' was overrated and settled for a 'nice enough' guy. When the nice stopped (early in the marriage), there was literally nothing left to save the relationship.

Same! I acted against type because I had just spent 11 years chasing the sparky boys didn’t work out.

Nice, without genuine, gut level sexual chemistry, doesn’t work when nice wanes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Point of contrast: I thought 'the spark' was overrated and settled for a 'nice enough' guy. When the nice stopped (early in the marriage), there was literally nothing left to save the relationship.

Same! I acted against type because I had just spent 11 years chasing the sparky boys didn’t work out.

Nice, without genuine, gut level sexual chemistry, doesn’t work when nice wanes.

Genuine kindness doesn’t wane, though.

[Anonymous]

I married for chemistry plus compatibility in general. We have our ups and downs but I’m
still attracted to DH and ready to **** him even when I hate him. It goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

There was definitely a spark but so much more from the beginning. After close to 40 years the spark is still there as he has aged incredibly well. Our love life is still wonderful though not as frequent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Point of contrast: I thought 'the spark' was overrated and settled for a 'nice enough' guy. When the nice stopped (early in the marriage), there was literally nothing left to save the relationship.

Same! I acted against type because I had just spent 11 years chasing the sparky boys didn’t work out.

Nice, without genuine, gut level sexual chemistry, doesn’t work when nice wanes.

If nice wanes, the marriage is over regardless of whether there is sexual chemistry or not.

[Anonymous]

It didn't.

[Anonymous]

Female here. Incredible spark when we met. My libido really, really lowered after my second kid, not helped by being stuck at home between small children, covid, and the insane cost of babysitters. Sex is mostly a chore now. But it does help when we infrequently get time away and get to try to add a little romance back, and he's the best dad, partner at home, and YouTube-taught handyman I could ask for.

Thing is, if I'd married someone for money, my own career would probably be on the back burner, and being able to pursue it was really, really important to me in my mid-20s. If I'd married someone for logical reasons...well, I just wouldn't have? We met in grad school where I was surrounded by smart, decent dudes with stronger earning potential than my husband. But i didn't want to have sex with them. My brain and body were very clear cut on this one, most of them were hard nos and he was the YES.

[Anonymous]

I’m 27 years in to the relationship and we have two kids, for me you gotta have the spark. Of course you have to build the foundation from there, but without the spark, I just don’t think I would’ve been motivated to build the foundation.

Sometimes when I get really frustrated with him over the years, I think about the way we fell in love and it absolutely does help. We are not 23 anymore, but I’m really glad we had that time. I kind of can’t imagine starting without it, but maybe it works for some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I accepted a little less spark, but still some spark, for a man who is EXCELLENT on all fundamentals that matter to me. So no regrets.

I had so much spark with high school and college boyfriends but looking at how their lives turned out, no regrets. You can't live on spark and the very fun sparky guys turn out to have ADHD far too often.

Haha, this is true in my case. My DH has severe ADHD. We have had a strong spark for 30 yrs and the sex is great but the ADHD is exhausting.

what happens in ADHD and how it affects the spark?