Reply to For those of you who prioritized "the spark"/attractiveness/sexual chemistry, how have things turned out?

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Reply to "For those of you who prioritized "the spark"/attractiveness/sexual chemistry, how have things turned out?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I accepted a little less spark, but still some spark, for a man who is EXCELLENT on all fundamentals that matter to me. So no regrets.

I had so much spark with high school and college boyfriends but looking at how their lives turned out, no regrets. You can't live on spark and the very fun sparky guys turn out to have ADHD far too often.[/quote]

Haha, this is true in my case. My DH has severe ADHD. We have had a strong spark for 30 yrs and the sex is great but the ADHD is exhausting. [/quote]

what happens in ADHD and how it affects the spark?[/quote]

It makes people unreliable and makes it difficult for them to handle the inevitable more difficult periods of life. Especially with kids because kids require a lot of organizational skills and executive functioning. It kills the spark because the non-ADHD person starts to look at them as another child to manage, as if she's their mom, and it's really unsexy. The imbalance of chores and contributions to the household makes the non-ADHD spouse tired and resentful, which is also unsexy.[/quote]

Yeah, but ADHD folks are more fun so it's a trade off. [/quote]

Yes. It seems worth it at first, when there's only two adults in the household and the non-ADHD partner finds it manageable to compensate for the other. But when there are kids and the household becomes much more complicated, and-- importantly-- the need for money becomes higher and less flexible, then the non-ADHD partner is unable to compensate sufficiently and that leads to resentment.

As the couple [b]approaches late 40s, early 50s, the ADHD partner often hits a wall, call it burnout or aging or whatever, and their functioning actually decreases[/b]. Sometimes coinciding with or contributing to job loss. This happens just as college tuition is getting nearer. This puts an enormous strain on the relationship.

So basically what seemed like a good tradeoff starts to seem like a very bad deal.[/quote]

Yup [/quote]

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