Resentment/regret re difficult son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must be exhausted - sending a hug.

This. Your love for your child is obvious. And your feelings of fatigue are normal.

Take some comfort in the fact that he is almost grown. You never have to repeat that difficult job.

Will he go to therapy?

🤗

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone like this doesn't need college. He needed to join the military. With the latter, you know he'd at least come out with some skillsets. Right now, it sounds like he's going to move to your couch.

The kid I knew who was struggling pre-military only came out with a raging drug addiction. It killed him before 30, and he was dishonorably discharged. The military is not where you go to get clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone like this doesn't need college. He needed to join the military. With the latter, you know he'd at least come out with some skillsets. Right now, it sounds like he's going to move to your couch.

The kid I knew who was struggling pre-military only came out with a raging drug addiction. It killed him before 30, and he was dishonorably discharged. The military is not where you go to get clean.

This! What a joke - drug use and alcohol abuse is rampant in the military.

It's also not a babysitting service or mental health treatment facility!! Why the f would you suggest putting a kid struggling with mental health (which is the underlying reason for using in the first place....) in the military??? Poor boys are just shipped off and left to their own devices. We don't ever talk about young ladies in the same way. Oh - just ship her off to a convent. I mean, seriously. Boys deserve better (I have 2 daughters, but this attitude toward boys is upsetting to me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must be exhausted - sending a hug.

This. Your love for your child is obvious. And your feelings of fatigue are normal.

Take some comfort in the fact that he is almost grown. You never have to repeat that difficult job.

Will he go to therapy?

🤗

Thank you I really needed this. Update:

He’s agreed to therapy and Physical therapy
He’s agreed to meet with the specialist in his chronic disease
He’s going to take 3 classes - reduced load
We are going to help him investigate things to add into his life
He’s meeting with his psychiatrist and I will talk to her beforehand

I forgot to mention his current crisis is precipitated by a very hard breakup with his long standing girlfriend that he initiated due to very long distance situation on the horizon

Yes he uses marijuana frequently but the additional substances were reactive after breakup and of course troubling and horrible way to “cope” but we don’t believe they have been actively a part of his life . But we need more evidence that that is true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must be exhausted - sending a hug.

This. Your love for your child is obvious. And your feelings of fatigue are normal.

Take some comfort in the fact that he is almost grown. You never have to repeat that difficult job.

Will he go to therapy?

🤗

Thank you I really needed this. Update:

He’s agreed to therapy and Physical therapy
He’s agreed to meet with the specialist in his chronic disease
He’s going to take 3 classes - reduced load
We are going to help him investigate things to add into his life
He’s meeting with his psychiatrist and I will talk to her beforehand

I forgot to mention his current crisis is precipitated by a very hard breakup with his long standing girlfriend that he initiated due to very long distance situation on the horizon

Yes he uses marijuana frequently but the additional substances were reactive after breakup and of course troubling and horrible way to “cope” but we don’t believe they have been actively a part of his life . But we need more evidence that that is true

Thank you for the update - all sound like positive things!! Be sure to get him a full work up of pharmacological genetic testing and bloodwork immediately. This will tell you which meds his body can metabolize, in addition to any supplements etc he may need.

Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a text relationship for awhile. Send positive, encouraging, supportive texts showing unconditional love. So much easier over text!

Lmao what a failure of a parent and human you are

[Anonymous]

This was my sister growing up and now in our 40s... She's still difficult, BUT has calmed down a lot. Her depression is more obvious but her recklessness has subsided. She has no real friends as interpersonal relationships has continued to be a problem and her company is hardly comfortable. However, we're good friends. I can count on her and she's functional, as in she owns her own place, has some pets that have a good life with her and a career. Expectations need to be adjusted. Ask him if he thinks about suicide and be there for him rather than try and control his situation. It sucks. I hope he gets help, but likely right now he's just in survival mode and might be to some extent for the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 21 years old with ADHD, depression, and maybe other comorbidities (low self esteem in boys comes out as anger and is an ADHD unmedicated thing. I used to be very very angry before the proper medication).

In maturity years, he's NOT 21 - he's 16 or 17. You're not necessarily enabling yet, based on the info you provided thus far. Many people don't understand the long struggle that comes with unchecked mental illness. His path can be a few years longer than others and that is ok.

A few questions - has he ever held a job? Has he had a full physical health work up done? ALL bloodwork, genetic testing? Often times it's easier to back into a mental health treatment armed with understanding what's happening physically. Does he have actual dx?

One big thing in your favor - he seems to be honest and open with you and trust you. That is NOT an easy feat with a difficult kid, so kudos to you for being so loving and maintaining that bond.

I'm also exhausted from parenting my also 21 yo. Not the same issues exactly and it comes out in ways different than your son, but she has ADHD, anxiety , depression. She was a very active kid with a ton of emotions. She'd hold it in all day and then explode at home. It's gotten much better with maturity and treatment (girls are ahead of boys in that area by a few years) and she also has a lot of physical health problems, but her baseline is high cortisol, on edge, upset. It is extremely difficult and demanding. But I will never not show up for her. She doesn't resist treatment, but implementing everything is hard and I know it's too much of a focus right now, but the alternative isn't ok with me. I wouldn't leave. I would begin to set specific boundaries and get him to sign a contract of some sort. I'm sure you've tried to take things away, etc, but it is time to get a little more serious about what you're willing to do. It's ok if it's you who needs to get the ball rolling on any of it. But he does need to co-own it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's been the absolute hardest few years of my life. Advice to you - stay off social media, have something at least 2 times/week just for you. Nothing interrupts that. Pilates or a long walk with a friend. But make it a thing that is only for you. You can go see him at school the next day or a few hours later if needed. Is he in college close by?

Thank you. Very thoughtful.

He’s an airplane ride away re college

He also has physical health issues one autoimmune others from a bad accident

I’m not ready for the rock bottom thing but I am ready to really crack down AND give him access to supports like therapy etc

He needs to graduate - a year away

He’s interned but agree on a job maybe even during school as he seems to have a lot of free time

He needs to be much better re adhd meds

It’s all just a lot and overwhelming and when your kid has had suicide ideation off and on for years rock bottom is too scary to think about

Your last line got me. . .it's the truth. I had a teen struggle with suicide ideation all through high school (multiple very close calls). Now that she's in college, thankfully doing really well, anytime she reaches out in distress it throws me back into those days. I have to coach myself through it - she's fine, she's fine, everything is ok. . .but I have the luxury of knowing she is fine and you are still in it. It's so incredibly hard. And you are right - letting this fall to rock bottom may not be the path or as simple as others are suggesting. I remember well having those thoughts of resentment, deep sad regret for having children at all. I think your feelings are a normal part of the hell you are in. I've always had more luck with them passing if I treated them like the weather - let the storm blow through - don't judge myself for feeling that way - wait for the next calm. Lean in to self-care & compassion as much as you possibly can. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 21 years old with ADHD, depression, and maybe other comorbidities (low self esteem in boys comes out as anger and is an ADHD unmedicated thing. I used to be very very angry before the proper medication).

In maturity years, he's NOT 21 - he's 16 or 17. You're not necessarily enabling yet, based on the info you provided thus far. Many people don't understand the long struggle that comes with unchecked mental illness. His path can be a few years longer than others and that is ok.

A few questions - has he ever held a job? Has he had a full physical health work up done? ALL bloodwork, genetic testing? Often times it's easier to back into a mental health treatment armed with understanding what's happening physically. Does he have actual dx?

One big thing in your favor - he seems to be honest and open with you and trust you. That is NOT an easy feat with a difficult kid, so kudos to you for being so loving and maintaining that bond.

I'm also exhausted from parenting my also 21 yo. Not the same issues exactly and it comes out in ways different than your son, but she has ADHD, anxiety , depression. She was a very active kid with a ton of emotions. She'd hold it in all day and then explode at home. It's gotten much better with maturity and treatment (girls are ahead of boys in that area by a few years) and she also has a lot of physical health problems, but her baseline is high cortisol, on edge, upset. It is extremely difficult and demanding. But I will never not show up for her. She doesn't resist treatment, but implementing everything is hard and I know it's too much of a focus right now, but the alternative isn't ok with me. I wouldn't leave. I would begin to set specific boundaries and get him to sign a contract of some sort. I'm sure you've tried to take things away, etc, but it is time to get a little more serious about what you're willing to do. It's ok if it's you who needs to get the ball rolling on any of it. But he does need to co-own it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's been the absolute hardest few years of my life. Advice to you - stay off social media, have something at least 2 times/week just for you. Nothing interrupts that. Pilates or a long walk with a friend. But make it a thing that is only for you. You can go see him at school the next day or a few hours later if needed. Is he in college close by?

Thank you. Very thoughtful.

He’s an airplane ride away re college

He also has physical health issues one autoimmune others from a bad accident

I’m not ready for the rock bottom thing but I am ready to really crack down AND give him access to supports like therapy etc

He needs to graduate - a year away

He’s interned but agree on a job maybe even during school as he seems to have a lot of free time

He needs to be much better re adhd meds

It’s all just a lot and overwhelming and when your kid has had suicide ideation off and on for years rock bottom is too scary to think about

Your last line got me. . .it's the truth. I had a teen struggle with suicide ideation all through high school (multiple very close calls). Now that she's in college, thankfully doing really well, anytime she reaches out in distress it throws me back into those days. I have to coach myself through it - she's fine, she's fine, everything is ok. . .but I have the luxury of knowing she is fine and you are still in it. It's so incredibly hard. And you are right - letting this fall to rock bottom may not be the path or as simple as others are suggesting. I remember well having those thoughts of resentment, deep sad regret for having children at all. I think your feelings are a normal part of the hell you are in. I've always had more luck with them passing if I treated them like the weather - let the storm blow through - don't judge myself for feeling that way - wait for the next calm. Lean in to self-care & compassion as much as you possibly can. Hang in there.

Thank you. Good advice. I’m sorry you went through that it is only something people who’ve had a child deal with that could possibly understand. I appreciated your sharing and your thoughtfulness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 21 years old with ADHD, depression, and maybe other comorbidities (low self esteem in boys comes out as anger and is an ADHD unmedicated thing. I used to be very very angry before the proper medication).

In maturity years, he's NOT 21 - he's 16 or 17. You're not necessarily enabling yet, based on the info you provided thus far. Many people don't understand the long struggle that comes with unchecked mental illness. His path can be a few years longer than others and that is ok.

A few questions - has he ever held a job? Has he had a full physical health work up done? ALL bloodwork, genetic testing? Often times it's easier to back into a mental health treatment armed with understanding what's happening physically. Does he have actual dx?

One big thing in your favor - he seems to be honest and open with you and trust you. That is NOT an easy feat with a difficult kid, so kudos to you for being so loving and maintaining that bond.

I'm also exhausted from parenting my also 21 yo. Not the same issues exactly and it comes out in ways different than your son, but she has ADHD, anxiety , depression. She was a very active kid with a ton of emotions. She'd hold it in all day and then explode at home. It's gotten much better with maturity and treatment (girls are ahead of boys in that area by a few years) and she also has a lot of physical health problems, but her baseline is high cortisol, on edge, upset. It is extremely difficult and demanding. But I will never not show up for her. She doesn't resist treatment, but implementing everything is hard and I know it's too much of a focus right now, but the alternative isn't ok with me. I wouldn't leave. I would begin to set specific boundaries and get him to sign a contract of some sort. I'm sure you've tried to take things away, etc, but it is time to get a little more serious about what you're willing to do. It's ok if it's you who needs to get the ball rolling on any of it. But he does need to co-own it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's been the absolute hardest few years of my life. Advice to you - stay off social media, have something at least 2 times/week just for you. Nothing interrupts that. Pilates or a long walk with a friend. But make it a thing that is only for you. You can go see him at school the next day or a few hours later if needed. Is he in college close by?

Thank you. Very thoughtful.

He’s an airplane ride away re college

He also has physical health issues one autoimmune others from a bad accident

I’m not ready for the rock bottom thing but I am ready to really crack down AND give him access to supports like therapy etc

He needs to graduate - a year away

He’s interned but agree on a job maybe even during school as he seems to have a lot of free time

He needs to be much better re adhd meds

It’s all just a lot and overwhelming and when your kid has had suicide ideation off and on for years rock bottom is too scary to think about

Could he have injured his head during this bad accident? Did he ever get sent super of physical therapy for a potential brain injury?

[Anonymous]

Just saw that he’s agreed to physical therapy. GOOD. My family has tried multiple types of physical therapy for brain injury. I personally benefited from both traditional physical therapy and sunshine called counterstrain. I’ve been accused of shilling for my PT, so I won’t share his name, but there are multiple good clinics in the DMV. To be clear, I also benefited from traditional PT. They do different things.

Counterstain for this type of brain injury has only been a thing for fewer than two years, so it’s very, very new. My child got his fight or flight reflex fixed a year ago in January and it’s been a game-changer for our family. At that point, that specific release was brand new. I’m aware that it’s hard to try alternative therapies where the research is still being conducted. I’m not a natural medicine person AT ALL. I’ve only had three appointments out of dozens where I couldn’t identify a sharp change within two weeks.

Traditional therapy worked too, but it was more subtle and drawn out. It helped me increase my tolerance for sensory input. It didn’t touch my 8/10 headaches I got from reading. Counterstain fixed that symptom in one appointment. Counterstain fixes the dysfunction, kind of like surgery on your brain. Traditional physical therapy strengthens your metaphorical flabby brain muscles. If you sign dc up for just one session, I would expect you to see results.

[Anonymous]

Follow up detail: to clarify, counterstrain is not surgery. It’s a nominate for of physical therapy. Just realized that my last paragraph could have been confusing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is 21. Go home.

+1000000
Let him hit his own rock bottom and deal with it himself. You are enabling him OP. GO HOME.

this 1000 times

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must be exhausted - sending a hug.

This. Your love for your child is obvious. And your feelings of fatigue are normal.

Take some comfort in the fact that he is almost grown. You never have to repeat that difficult job.

Will he go to therapy?

🤗

Thank you I really needed this. Update:

He’s agreed to therapy and Physical therapy
He’s agreed to meet with the specialist in his chronic disease
He’s going to take 3 classes - reduced load
We are going to help him investigate things to add into his life
He’s meeting with his psychiatrist and I will talk to her beforehand

I forgot to mention his current crisis is precipitated by a very hard breakup with his long standing girlfriend that he initiated due to very long distance situation on the horizon

Yes he uses marijuana frequently but the additional substances were reactive after breakup and of course troubling and horrible way to “cope” but we don’t believe they have been actively a part of his life . But we need more evidence that that is true

OP you need a method to check up on his follow through, and a comprehensive backup plan for if he doesn't do (or if he starts, but doesn't continue) the items he agreed to do.

[Anonymous]

You are a bad parent. I am the daughter in a family where the son is like yours, and he ruined our lives by holding the entire family hostage with his nonsense for decades. And like you, my parents enabled him (and ignored me and my needs completely) because they were always putting out fires for dysfunctional brother. He’s holding the threat of suicide over your heads to hold you hostage so you’ll continue enabling.

Guess what? My brother dropped out of (T20, full pay for my parents) college anyway, still did drugs, has never held a steady job, and at 40 still lives at home with some chronic health problems, and is just generally a mean, ungrateful, unpleasant person. All that snowplowing my parents did for him his whole life did NOTHING. Your enabling is not ever going to help this kid.

Drop the rope. Focus on your daughter, your spouse, yourself. Stop letting the threat of suicide make you enable this kid forever.