Resentment/regret re difficult son

[Anonymous]

I'd recommend AlAnon for you. It is for the parents and friends and families of drug addicts and alcoholics.

The military won't accept a drug addict.

Until he hits rock bottom he won't get off of the drugs.

[Anonymous]

May be a gap year working for a church or mosque or whatever y'all subscribe to so he is around a spiritual crowd with a mature mindset.

[Anonymous]

I have three children: two are sunny, happy-go-lucky kids, and one is generally melancholic/angry. They all have wonderful traits but I can see myself going through similar to what you describe with the angry one, and he is only eight.

I wish you and your family peace. I’m sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He is 21. Go home.


+1000000
Let him hit his own rock bottom and deal with it himself. You are enabling him OP. GO HOME.

This. The hard thing about parenting young adults is that you need to drop the rope enough to let them experience the natural consequences of bad choices. It may take several years. Just decide what level of support you are willing to provide. It is clear to our young adults that they always have a home they can come home to. But I am not a 20-something group house and no one is moving back home to sit on the couch all day and do bong hits. Having a roof provided for you free of charge comes with some expectations about getting oneself together.

[Anonymous]

+1 for going home

[Anonymous]

I hope his girlfriend breaks up with him. He sounds like a druggie who is at the minimum, verbally abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's 21 years old with ADHD, depression, and maybe other comorbidities (low self esteem in boys comes out as anger and is an ADHD unmedicated thing. I used to be very very angry before the proper medication).

In maturity years, he's NOT 21 - he's 16 or 17. You're not necessarily enabling yet, based on the info you provided thus far. Many people don't understand the long struggle that comes with unchecked mental illness. His path can be a few years longer than others and that is ok.

A few questions - has he ever held a job? Has he had a full physical health work up done? ALL bloodwork, genetic testing? Often times it's easier to back into a mental health treatment armed with understanding what's happening physically. Does he have actual dx?

One big thing in your favor - he seems to be honest and open with you and trust you. That is NOT an easy feat with a difficult kid, so kudos to you for being so loving and maintaining that bond.

I'm also exhausted from parenting my also 21 yo. Not the same issues exactly and it comes out in ways different than your son, but she has ADHD, anxiety , depression. She was a very active kid with a ton of emotions. She'd hold it in all day and then explode at home. It's gotten much better with maturity and treatment (girls are ahead of boys in that area by a few years) and she also has a lot of physical health problems, but her baseline is high cortisol, on edge, upset. It is extremely difficult and demanding. But I will never not show up for her. She doesn't resist treatment, but implementing everything is hard and I know it's too much of a focus right now, but the alternative isn't ok with me. I wouldn't leave. I would begin to set specific boundaries and get him to sign a contract of some sort. I'm sure you've tried to take things away, etc, but it is time to get a little more serious about what you're willing to do. It's ok if it's you who needs to get the ball rolling on any of it. But he does need to co-own it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's been the absolute hardest few years of my life. Advice to you - stay off social media, have something at least 2 times/week just for you. Nothing interrupts that. Pilates or a long walk with a friend. But make it a thing that is only for you. You can go see him at school the next day or a few hours later if needed. Is he in college close by?

Thank you. Very thoughtful.

He’s an airplane ride away re college

He also has physical health issues one autoimmune others from a bad accident

I’m not ready for the rock bottom thing but I am ready to really crack down AND give him access to supports like therapy etc

He needs to graduate - a year away

He’s interned but agree on a job maybe even during school as he seems to have a lot of free time

He needs to be much better re adhd meds

It’s all just a lot and overwhelming and when your kid has had suicide ideation off and on for years rock bottom is too scary to think about

[Anonymous]

So sorry. This is so hard. Why are you enabling him to do drugs? I say this as someone who just buried their 50 year old brother who was just like your son except he dropped out of college and worked dead end jobs until about 45 when he became a full blown drug addict. My parents paid for everything. Are you paying for college while you know he’s doing drugs? Stop. Stop paying for everything that makes his life easier and allows him to do drugs. Make him pay his own rent, his own car insurance, phone, etc. pay for treatment. Good luck I hope he can turn it around but I can assure you he has serious mental issues that aren’t just going to magically get better. I’m very sorry you have to deal with this. Make it harder now for hopefully a better outcome in the future. Godspeed.

[Anonymous]

Write it. Stick it on the mirror. Leave him to process. “I’ve basically reached the end of what I can offer to you. I can’t do any more for you until you’re either willing to accept my help or seek it out yourself. I will always support you and work endlessly with you to get any supports you want, but at this point in life I can’t force you to accept them. I want you to graduate. I want you to be successful. I want you to be happy and fulfilled. But my wanting those things isn’t enough now that you’re an adult. You need to want it for yourself.”

[Anonymous]

Is he getting better each year or worse? Does he have a job or plans lined up for summer? What will you do when he comes home? I had similar concerns with my DC, in some ways I still do, but they’ve been turning it around slowly and surely. His brain is still developing. So is his discernment, judgment, maturity to make different decisions and process setbacks. I wouldn’t leave him on his own just yet. He’s just a junior in college. And it sounds like, he’s at least going to get his degree. That’s something. I would start setting expectations around behaviors and responsibilities, give support and guidance, not enablement.

[Anonymous]

OP look up the UK novelist Julie Myerson. About 15 yrs ago she kicked her eldest son out of her family house for his behavior while addicted to skunk. Then she wrote a book about it. Now he says it was the right thing to do.

I hope you get some help in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Write it. Stick it on the mirror. Leave him to process. “I’ve basically reached the end of what I can offer to you. I can’t do any more for you until you’re either willing to accept my help or seek it out yourself. I will always support you and work endlessly with you to get any supports you want, but at this point in life I can’t force you to accept them. I want you to graduate. I want you to be successful. I want you to be happy and fulfilled. But my wanting those things isn’t enough now that you’re an adult. You need to want it for yourself.”

Yes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 21 years old with ADHD, depression, and maybe other comorbidities (low self esteem in boys comes out as anger and is an ADHD unmedicated thing. I used to be very very angry before the proper medication).

In maturity years, he's NOT 21 - he's 16 or 17. You're not necessarily enabling yet, based on the info you provided thus far. Many people don't understand the long struggle that comes with unchecked mental illness. His path can be a few years longer than others and that is ok.

A few questions - has he ever held a job? Has he had a full physical health work up done? ALL bloodwork, genetic testing? Often times it's easier to back into a mental health treatment armed with understanding what's happening physically. Does he have actual dx?

One big thing in your favor - he seems to be honest and open with you and trust you. That is NOT an easy feat with a difficult kid, so kudos to you for being so loving and maintaining that bond.

I'm also exhausted from parenting my also 21 yo. Not the same issues exactly and it comes out in ways different than your son, but she has ADHD, anxiety , depression. She was a very active kid with a ton of emotions. She'd hold it in all day and then explode at home. It's gotten much better with maturity and treatment (girls are ahead of boys in that area by a few years) and she also has a lot of physical health problems, but her baseline is high cortisol, on edge, upset. It is extremely difficult and demanding. But I will never not show up for her. She doesn't resist treatment, but implementing everything is hard and I know it's too much of a focus right now, but the alternative isn't ok with me. I wouldn't leave. I would begin to set specific boundaries and get him to sign a contract of some sort. I'm sure you've tried to take things away, etc, but it is time to get a little more serious about what you're willing to do. It's ok if it's you who needs to get the ball rolling on any of it. But he does need to co-own it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's been the absolute hardest few years of my life. Advice to you - stay off social media, have something at least 2 times/week just for you. Nothing interrupts that. Pilates or a long walk with a friend. But make it a thing that is only for you. You can go see him at school the next day or a few hours later if needed. Is he in college close by?

Thank you. Very thoughtful.

He’s an airplane ride away re college

He also has physical health issues one autoimmune others from a bad accident

I’m not ready for the rock bottom thing but I am ready to really crack down AND give him access to supports like therapy etc

He needs to graduate - a year away

He’s interned but agree on a job maybe even during school as he seems to have a lot of free time

He needs to be much better re adhd meds

It’s all just a lot and overwhelming and when your kid has had suicide ideation off and on for years rock bottom is too scary to think about

OP, if he hasn't already, he needs to be in a DBT program.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to be prepared that this may be a life-long status quo.

I am of the same opinion as others to let your son sink or swim on his own. IF (and that's a big if) there is still a chance he can turnaround, he needs to do it on his own. The younger he does so, the better.

Have an older sibling with identical history and behaviors. Early on, he had all kinds of support provided to him: college tuition, rent/living expense support, car/insurance, and even when he dropped out - a family member helped him get his foot in the door for a well-paying job at a good company.

He even had therapy benefits at that job and did two in-patient stays during that time.

None of it mattered.

The ONLY time in his life when he managed to live successfully was when both parents had died, he was estranged from all of us, and he was 100% completely on his own.

This included draining a trust fund which was left to him and could only be used for living expenses, vital needs, etc.

Once he was "of age" (which was 40) to access the principle he blew through it in a matter of months. With nothing to show for it. My parents thought he would have "grown out" of his behavior by then and could manage the money on his own. They thought wrong.

IMO his early drug/alcohol use affected his brain and emotional development. He is essentially a 14 year old - very intelligent but without emotional regulation or insight into how his choices have consequences.

He hit rock bottom, bounced from flea-bag hotels to rented rooms, then wound up living in his car for many months until he scraped up enough money to move into a place of his own.

It took him until he was 60 years old to get to that point. Yes, 60.

He continued to do hard day-labor physical jobs until he was 62 and was old enough to collect Social Security. It is nowhere near enough for him to live on even with food/SNAP benefits.

He is now in his 70s and still hasn't changed. He can have an empty gas tank, empty cupboard, and an unpaid utility bill - but if you give him $100 he will go out and buy something a 14-year-old would. A drone, musical instrument, collectible item, etc.

I have no idea what the future holds for him. Especially now with all the impending cuts to any kind of federal benefits.

[Anonymous]

Don’t have anything to other than a hug..