Resentment/regret re difficult son
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Anonymous
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My son, who is 21, has been really difficult since birth. Extreme colic as a baby and a highly sensitive and volatile child. Teen years were a nightmare. Reckless behavior, weed, alcohol, etc beyond normal teenage experimenting or use. We’ve tried since he was little to give him better outlets and tools to regulate his emotions. Therapy, sports, adhd treatment, etc. we are close despite all of this.
I am currently with him in his college town as yet another crisis/meltdown experience. The drugs have progressed to mainly marijuana but Ketamine, MDMA, Xanax on occasion (to my knowledge) He’s getting by in school. He seems to struggle with maintaining friendships and has had a long term very volatile relationship with his girlfriend. He’s quick to anger and has a baseline that is just pretty negative and unhappy He refuses depression meds or therapy We’ve tried to talk to him about the fact that he is already “treating” his depression and other challenges with drugs/self medicating I am tired. Literally every day with him growing up was hard and when he left for college it gave me some space to really see how much he impacted my marriage, which almost fell apart, my daughter, our family, and myself. I’m finding myself resentful about all of this which I obviously don’t want to feel. Not sure what my question is other than any advice from others who may have dealt with similar? |
Anonymous
| You must be exhausted - sending a hug. |
Anonymous
| Thank you |
Anonymous
| He is 21. Go home. |
Anonymous
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It’s such a difficult age. We’re going through it with our son, age 23, though not to the depth you are. My spouse did the visit in November to where he’s living, and it was hard.
He’s been receptive to the therapy and depression meds as replacements to the self-medicating. He’s just a few credits from graduating. Sending prayers to you and your family. |
Anonymous
| Have a text relationship for awhile. Send positive, encouraging, supportive texts showing unconditional love. So much easier over text! |
Anonymous
| I would go home too. Pull back supports and reinvest in yourself, your daughter, husband (still married?). He sounds like a jerk, and one of the most disappointing aspects of parenting is that despite everything we’ve done to help, it hasn’t worked. Please don’t feel guilty. Maybe go to group support or therapy. Sending hugs. |
Anonymous
+1000000 Let him hit his own rock bottom and deal with it himself. You are enabling him OP. GO HOME. |
Anonymous
| Unfortunately a caring parent's job is never done. Hang in there, don't give up on him, try to get someone involved whom he looks up to like a grandparent, cousin or coach to start therapy and continue studies. |
Anonymous
| I still say go home. Try AlAnon. Learn to detach with love. You cannot save him but you can enable him. Don't enable. |
Anonymous
| Someone like this doesn't need college. He needed to join the military. With the latter, you know he'd at least come out with some skillsets. Right now, it sounds like he's going to move to your couch. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Military wouldn’t have accepted him. OP, I echo the others who are telling you to take a break and get some support. |
Anonymous
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OP that does sound exhausting. I'm so osrry.
I have a semi-difficult college freshman - nowhere near the level you are dealing with, but there was a point during senior year when i said "I just want them to go to college and make dumb/bad mistakes on their own time, not on my time!" And just before Thanksgiving my husband drove 3 hours to the university and met with child and walked through assignments and went to the disability office and lined up services and essentially set up an entire support structure. It was a lot. The good news is our child is not oppositional and yet it's still exhausting. |
Anonymous
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He's 21 years old with ADHD, depression, and maybe other comorbidities (low self esteem in boys comes out as anger and is an ADHD unmedicated thing. I used to be very very angry before the proper medication).
In maturity years, he's NOT 21 - he's 16 or 17. You're not necessarily enabling yet, based on the info you provided thus far. Many people don't understand the long struggle that comes with unchecked mental illness. His path can be a few years longer than others and that is ok. A few questions - has he ever held a job? Has he had a full physical health work up done? ALL bloodwork, genetic testing? Often times it's easier to back into a mental health treatment armed with understanding what's happening physically. Does he have actual dx? One big thing in your favor - he seems to be honest and open with you and trust you. That is NOT an easy feat with a difficult kid, so kudos to you for being so loving and maintaining that bond. I'm also exhausted from parenting my also 21 yo. Not the same issues exactly and it comes out in ways different than your son, but she has ADHD, anxiety , depression. She was a very active kid with a ton of emotions. She'd hold it in all day and then explode at home. It's gotten much better with maturity and treatment (girls are ahead of boys in that area by a few years) and she also has a lot of physical health problems, but her baseline is high cortisol, on edge, upset. It is extremely difficult and demanding. But I will never not show up for her. She doesn't resist treatment, but implementing everything is hard and I know it's too much of a focus right now, but the alternative isn't ok with me. I wouldn't leave. I would begin to set specific boundaries and get him to sign a contract of some sort. I'm sure you've tried to take things away, etc, but it is time to get a little more serious about what you're willing to do. It's ok if it's you who needs to get the ball rolling on any of it. But he does need to co-own it. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's been the absolute hardest few years of my life. Advice to you - stay off social media, have something at least 2 times/week just for you. Nothing interrupts that. Pilates or a long walk with a friend. But make it a thing that is only for you. You can go see him at school the next day or a few hours later if needed. Is he in college close by? |