Reply to Resentment/regret re difficult son

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]He's 21 years old with ADHD, depression, and maybe other comorbidities (low self esteem in boys comes out as anger and is an ADHD unmedicated thing. I used to be very very angry before the proper medication).

In maturity years, he's NOT 21 - he's 16 or 17. You're not necessarily enabling yet, based on the info you provided thus far. Many people don't understand the long struggle that comes with unchecked mental illness. His path can be a few years longer than others and that is ok.

A few questions - has he ever held a job? Has he had a full physical health work up done? ALL bloodwork, genetic testing? Often times it's easier to back into a mental health treatment armed with understanding what's happening physically. Does he have actual dx?

One big thing in your favor - he seems to be honest and open with you and trust you. That is NOT an easy feat with a difficult kid, so kudos to you for being so loving and maintaining that bond.

I'm also exhausted from parenting my also 21 yo. Not the same issues exactly and it comes out in ways different than your son, but she has ADHD, anxiety , depression. She was a very active kid with a ton of emotions. She'd hold it in all day and then explode at home. It's gotten much better with maturity and treatment (girls are ahead of boys in that area by a few years) and she also has a lot of physical health problems, but her baseline is high cortisol, on edge, upset. It is extremely difficult and demanding. But I will never not show up for her. She doesn't resist treatment, but implementing everything is hard and I know it's too much of a focus right now, but the alternative isn't ok with me. I wouldn't leave. I would begin to set specific boundaries and get him to sign a contract of some sort. I'm sure you've tried to take things away, etc, but it is time to get a little more serious about what you're willing to do. It's ok if it's you who needs to get the ball rolling on any of it. But he does need to co-own it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's been the absolute hardest few years of my life. Advice to you - stay off social media, have something at least 2 times/week just for you. Nothing interrupts that. Pilates or a long walk with a friend. But make it a thing that is only for you. You can go see him at school the next day or a few hours later if needed. Is he in college close by?

[/quote]

Thank you. Very thoughtful.

He’s an airplane ride away re college

He also has physical health issues one autoimmune others from a bad accident

I’m not ready for the rock bottom thing but I am ready to really crack down AND give him access to supports like therapy etc

He needs to graduate - a year away

He’s interned but agree on a job maybe even during school as he seems to have a lot of free time

He needs to be much better re adhd meds

[b]It’s all just a lot and overwhelming and when your kid has had suicide ideation off and on for years rock bottom is too scary to think about [/b]

[/quote]

Your last line got me. . .it's the truth.  I had a teen struggle with suicide ideation all through high school (multiple very close calls).  Now that she's in college, thankfully doing really well, anytime she reaches out in distress it throws me back into those days.  I have to coach myself through it - she's fine, she's fine, everything is ok. . .but I have the luxury of knowing she is fine and you are still in it.  It's so incredibly hard.  And you are right - letting this fall to rock bottom may not be the path or as simple as others are suggesting.  I remember well having those thoughts of resentment, deep sad regret for having children at all.  I think your feelings are a normal part of the hell you are in.  I've always had more luck with them passing if I treated them like the weather - let the storm blow through - don't judge myself for feeling that way - wait for the next calm.  Lean in to self-care & compassion as much as you possibly can.  Hang in there.[/quote]

Thank you.  Good advice.  I’m sorry you went through that it is only something people who’ve had a child deal with that could possibly understand.  I appreciated your sharing and your thoughtfulness.  [/quote]

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