How concerned would you be if your 17 yo DD was talking to a 21 year old guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a 21YO when I was 17.

My guess is that your two big worries are sex and alcohol? You would have the same issue with a 17 or 18 YO boyfriend. Address those issues head on.

In any case, the relationship with the 21 year old is not likely to last long.

Your 17-18 yr old boyfriend isn’t buying your alcohol or taking you to volley parties

*college parties

[Anonymous]

Op here. I guess I need to clarify that they were both camp counselors. The campers were like 10 and under. They play the same instrument.
Yes she's going to college. She's very focused as I said boys haven't really been of interest of her until now.

I believe they are just talking and they held hands once. I've asked her to tell me or her aunt (who will tell me) if she thinks she wants to sex not specifically with him that's just been our general conversation. So I guess that would be my biggest concern.
Not worried about drinking she's meticulous about taking care of her voice so no drinking, smoking etc she's turned down parties before because she knew that would be taking place. From the little I know of him he seems like a good guy. She hasn't been rebellious really and I don't want to outright forbid it and turn her rebellious or shut down communication especially since she's close to 18 it would be easier if she was a year younger.

[Anonymous]

Like a couple others here, I dated a 21 yo when I was 17. In the 90s, it was considered pretty normal for juniors and seniors at my girls’ school to date college students. My parents were more upset that he had a tattoo than about his age. Since norms have changed, it does make sense to be a bit cautious, but I still wouldn’t worry about it too much.

[Anonymous]

Girls also used to get married off at 13, just because we “used to” do things doesn’t mean they are acceptable.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think a few months (before 18) is going to matter. She will be away and you won't know what she's doing soon. Until then, your rules. If she is responsible, makes responsible birth control decisions, then a decision eyes-wide-open to have sex, that's not the worst thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I guess I need to clarify that they were both camp counselors. The campers were like 10 and under. They play the same instrument.
Yes she's going to college. She's very focused as I said boys haven't really been of interest of her until now.

I believe they are just talking and they held hands once. I've asked her to tell me or her aunt (who will tell me) if she thinks she wants to sex not specifically with him that's just been our general conversation. So I guess that would be my biggest concern.
Not worried about drinking she's meticulous about taking care of her voice so no drinking, smoking etc she's turned down parties before because she knew that would be taking place. From the little I know of him he seems like a good guy. She hasn't been rebellious really and I don't want to outright forbid it and turn her rebellious or shut down communication especially since she's close to 18 it would be easier if she was a year younger.

I dont see the problem but she (you) should be aware of age of consent laws for your state. It might be literally illegal and set him up to be on the registry if they have sex before she turns 18 (or if she sends him racy photos of herself). If the are just dating it isn't a problem

[Anonymous]

Most college kids aren't interested in high schoolers because there's typically a big freedom and maturity gap. They're used to being independent and dating a high schooler comes with serious rules. I'd be very cautious of a 21 yo who was interested in a high schooler. He's probably immature or lacks the confidence to date girls his own age.

[Anonymous]

She’s almost 18. It sounds like you trust your daughter. Since boys mature more slowly, they are probably an excellent match for each other. There’s no problem. He is a great guy. This might be your future son-in-law one day. This isn’t that much of an age difference.

[Anonymous]

17 now and they met a year ago? So a 20 yo was interested in a 16 yo girl.

Yeah that’s a “nope” from me dawg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girls also used to get married off at 13, just because we “used to” do things doesn’t mean they are acceptable.

When was the last time American girls routinely married off at 13? Come on now. Not remotely the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most college kids aren't interested in high schoolers because there's typically a big freedom and maturity gap. They're used to being independent and dating a high schooler comes with serious rules. I'd be very cautious of a 21 yo who was interested in a high schooler. He's probably immature or lacks the confidence to date girls his own age.

Maybe. Or maybe they are both music dorks and they hit it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would concern me that a fully adult camp counselor who should know better is willing to cross boundaries with children.

It’s a 17 year old, not a 7 year old. She was also a counselor. In 6 months she will be considered an adult. This is a little dramatic.

It isn’t dramatic to call a child a child and expect someone who works with children to fully understand and respect that boundary.

This.

fwiw, I dated an older guy when I was 17. If I could go back and slap myself silly, I would. It was a train wreck. I was shy, didn't have many friends, and the attention was flattering. I didn't know enough about the world to ask myself why on earth an adult would be interested in a high school student. It was a 100% inappropriate "relationship" and I had to sneak behind my parents back. I'd find a way to help her shut it down.

[Anonymous]

I was telling my DD’s since they were around 11 or 12, that significantly older guys interested in younger girls do that because girls their age are too experienced and mature to put up with their bullshit. Girls their age see through them. A lot of guys who do this don’t even realize they’re doing it and why.

I also taught them not to think they can fix a guy, that they don’t take a guy ion as a project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I guess I need to clarify that they were both camp counselors. The campers were like 10 and under. They play the same instrument.
Yes she's going to college. She's very focused as I said boys haven't really been of interest of her until now.

I believe they are just talking and they held hands once. I've asked her to tell me or her aunt (who will tell me) if she thinks she wants to sex not specifically with him that's just been our general conversation. So I guess that would be my biggest concern.
Not worried about drinking she's meticulous about taking care of her voice so no drinking, smoking etc she's turned down parties before because she knew that would be taking place. From the little I know of him he seems like a good guy. She hasn't been rebellious really and I don't want to outright forbid it and turn her rebellious or shut down communication especially since she's close to 18 it would be easier if she was a year younger.

She will be pregnant in 6 months birth control immediately

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And what would you do in this scenario if anything?

DD will be 18 end of June. They met over the summer. From what I can tell he's a nice respectful kid , but he's 21. DD has never shown much interest in boys till now save a few celebrity crushes and a crush on a classmate a year or two ago.. She's a fairly shy/introverted kid overall. I've talked with her about sex, consent, respect etc.

I was 17 and had a 22 year old boyfriend and he was a lamb. And that was a long time ago.
And what are you going to do?