Nice parents with bad kids

[Anonymous]

Boys are often terrors when young and then grow to be fine. Even during middle school I remember classmates (male) of DD who were horror shows. Now many are going to top universities and seem well adjusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could be special needs -- some kids really are harder than others. People with easy kids never believe this but people with tough kids know it whether their kids are well behaved or not.

Also there's a difference between being a nice person generally and being a good parent. Parenting requires self-control, patience, love/affection towards your kids, problem solving... but I don't know that being nice is an asset. It could actually be a problem if the niceness takes the form of people-pleasing. If you people please your kids, they won't learn to behave. You have to be able to set limits and you need to be comfortable with your kids being upset with you without taking it personally. That's different than just being nice -- it's an internal strength of character that might be harder to recognize as an outsider.

+100

As someone with a more "difficult" kid with mild special needs and also an "easy" kid, I have a lot more empathy for parents of "bad" kids. It's not all parenting.

But, I imagine that without the guidance we provide and therapies that we have gotten for my "difficult" DC that DC could become an absolute terror.

The struggle is real...it's not easy and sometimes DC behaves badly and in the moment there is very little I can do other than take DC home (if we're not already at home), if with DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have all these super nice adults who have kids who are absolute terrors. Not all their kids are bad some one or two of their kids are out of control.

Is this bad parenting?

One girl is so bad hitting and cursing at parents, other kids and her siblings. DH and I were shocked watching the girl’s behavior.

There are people out there on the internet encouraging teens to curse and hit parents.

[Anonymous]

Ah, DCUM is where nuance goes to die.

[Anonymous]

Many times this behavior is caused by trauma at school. This is the way many kids tell their parents something terrible is happening to them. I heard stories from kids being bullied and told not to say anything to parents.

[Anonymous]

I’m a teacher and have seen a lot of this. A lot of times the super nice parents are also very lenient and have a laid back approach. If you don’t consistently correct children, yeah their behavior can get questionable very quickly. A lot of time, these parents also have 3 or more kids and the busyness and logistics involved means things like manners fall through the cracks.

[Anonymous]

I have been blessed with kids that are pretty easy and I have always used limits and told my kids no. My own childhood was much more authoritarian, but I’m stricter than some of my friends.
Now that my kids are older (elem, middle) I get comments from other parents about how well they listen, how easy and cooperative they are, and how welcome they are for play dates.

[Anonymous]

I'm older.

There was a kid in my neighborhood who just seemed to be a bad seed. He was the youngest of 4. THe older 3 were genuinely nice kids. All 3 are grown, have good careers and seem to be happily married.

The other kids in our neighborhodd were terrified of the youngest by the time he was in third grade. His parents divorced, but dad was still very much involved. I think having the kid from hell put a lot of strain on their marriage. His parents tried everything.

He's in prison now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is a joke. Ineffective.

This. I know a few very nice parents who simply don't ever tell their kids "no" and as a result the kids are terrors.

It’s this.

[Anonymous]

I know two families like this.

1. Took the gentle parenting to an extreme. If their kid had obvious bad behavior, they were convinced someone caused it and they just overlooked their own kids behavior. I watched her kid push a probably 4 or 5 year old down the slide because they were taking too long. Mom's reaction? "I know it's so frustrating when someone takes so long".

2. Their kid probably had some mental health or special needs issues. I just don't think they knew how to parent them. They tried. They disciplined and did all the things any of us would do and it just didn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IME a lot of those kids are the nicest by MS and Hs. They often have adhd or anxiety making them act out and once that is recognized and managed by caring parents they turn into compassionate nice kids.

OTOH, some of the nicest preschoolers turn into terrors in MS or HS because those are the kids that are put an high priority on acting in compliance with expectations. When they are little, those are adult expectations so they are nicely behaved, but when they are teens, that is teen expectations so they can become very into policing what /who is cool or popular and can be very susceptible to peer pressure but good at hiding that from adults. Not all of them but I have definitely seen that happen with some of the kids I was most impressed by in preschool and K.

Interesting theory.
I’m the parent with multiple kids who said genetics is strong. It was clear my “difficult” child was difficult from day one. Like she was a hard toddler, hard in elementary school, still hard in college. My easy kids stayed easy and my hard kids stayed hard.

[Anonymous]

It’s always the third child. Have pity on us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s always the third child. Have pity on us

Wow +1

true at my house

[Anonymous]

Crying, screaming, and even hitting are developmentally normal at certain ages so it is hard to tell given the vagueness what is normal/not and what is just a developmental stage/personality/a problem.

Swearing is not, and I would say cursing/swearing reveals something more about your friends than anything else. Plenty of people can come off as put together or normal parents but might go home and be completely out of control — cursing at their kids, berating them, and otherwise being emotionally or physically abused.

Their “good” kids don’t tell you anything — I was a “good” kid to emotionally immature parents because I knew making a “mistake” (being a normal child) would end in abuse for me. My parents were always complimented on being excellent parents and came off as normal but they were terrible at home. My older brother — with severe behavioral issues, who drinks, swears, has issues with domestic violence, really tells the truth of what was going on in my house.

Modeling is the answer here. Smack your kid and yell/berate/curse at them? You’ve just normalized that for the rest of their lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Crying, screaming, and even hitting are developmentally normal at certain ages so it is hard to tell given the vagueness what is normal/not and what is just a developmental stage/personality/a problem.

Swearing is not, and I would say cursing/swearing reveals something more about your friends than anything else. Plenty of people can come off as put together or normal parents but might go home and be completely out of control — cursing at their kids, berating them, and otherwise being emotionally or physically abused.

Their “good” kids don’t tell you anything — I was a “good” kid to emotionally immature parents because I knew making a “mistake” (being a normal child) would end in abuse for me. My parents were always complimented on being excellent parents and came off as normal but they were terrible at home. My older brother — with severe behavioral issues, who drinks, swears, has issues with domestic violence, really tells the truth of what was going on in my house.

Modeling is the answer here. Smack your kid and yell/berate/curse at them? You’ve just normalized that for the rest of their lives

The kid is 10, not 2-3.