Nice parents with bad kids

[Anonymous]

We have all these super nice adults who have kids who are absolute terrors. Not all their kids are bad some one or two of their kids are out of control.

Is this bad parenting?

One girl is so bad hitting and cursing at parents, other kids and her siblings. DH and I were shocked watching the girl’s behavior.

[Anonymous]

The parents are clearly out to lunch.

[Anonymous]

genetics is not destiny OP. and it works both ways. my dear friend's father beat her while her mother ignored the issue, and she's one of the the nicest persons one could ever meet.

[Anonymous]

Special needs either you don’t know about or they don’t.

[Anonymous]

Do they discipline their kids? What is the consequences of their actions? There is your answer.

[Anonymous]

Could be special needs -- some kids really are harder than others. People with easy kids never believe this but people with tough kids know it whether their kids are well behaved or not.

Also there's a difference between being a nice person generally and being a good parent. Parenting requires self-control, patience, love/affection towards your kids, problem solving... but I don't know that being nice is an asset. It could actually be a problem if the niceness takes the form of people-pleasing. If you people please your kids, they won't learn to behave. You have to be able to set limits and you need to be comfortable with your kids being upset with you without taking it personally. That's different than just being nice -- it's an internal strength of character that might be harder to recognize as an outsider.

[Anonymous]

I have several kids. It shocks me how strong genetics is. One of our kids is super difficult and we have parented very similarly. I think it's more complex than just saying "the parents are out to lunch".

[Anonymous]

Their parentings skills suck. I know people like this. They are the type to sit in first class and leave their kids alone in economy to fend for themselves. They will give 3 of them 1 I-pad to fight over for the flight and stay blissfully unaware several rows ahead.

[Anonymous]

You can be a nice person to socialize with but a parent who doesn't discipline your kids or hold them to certain standards, or are constantly going on trips without them for fun and just being absent from their lives.

One has nothing to do with the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they discipline their kids? What is the consequences of their actions? There is your answer.

Their discipline style doesn’t seem to be working. Mom used to yell but switched to gentle parenting.

Our mutual friend and I witnessed totally unacceptable behavior during winter break. Our friend said the girl needs a beating. None of us actually spank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have several kids. It shocks me how strong genetics is. One of our kids is super difficult and we have parented very similarly. I think it's more complex than just saying "the parents are out to lunch".

I agree. In fact, without excellent parenting, my SN kid would be far worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could be special needs -- some kids really are harder than others. People with easy kids never believe this but people with tough kids know it whether their kids are well behaved or not.

Also there's a difference between being a nice person generally and being a good parent. Parenting requires self-control, patience, love/affection towards your kids, problem solving... but I don't know that being nice is an asset. It could actually be a problem if the niceness takes the form of people-pleasing. If you people please your kids, they won't learn to behave. You have to be able to set limits and you need to be comfortable with your kids being upset with you without taking it personally. That's different than just being nice -- it's an internal strength of character that might be harder to recognize as an outsider.

This. I have one of the most difficult kids, and people are often surprised because i am very put together and successful person outside of parenting. He has special needs that arent quite obvious, but in younger years created a lot of turmoil. He got suspended from 2nd grade, and no one in my social circle could believe it because... thats just not something you would expect.

However, I am very open about his difficulties and acknowledge that some settings arent right for us. If the parents aren't doing that, maybe they are cluless or in denial. You can be very nice and not a good parent.

I am amazed at how many people still attribute childhood success or failure directly to parenting. Those of you with easy kids are not necessarily good parents. You just havent had to overcome many challenges. Parenting is for sure important, but the kid you kid goes way beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Gentle parenting is a joke. Ineffective.

[Anonymous]

You don’t know. No one knows. You don’t know what medical, psychiatric or other factors are at play. You don’t know how they parent when you aren’t there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is a joke. Ineffective.

This. I know a few very nice parents who simply don't ever tell their kids "no" and as a result the kids are terrors.