Nice parents with bad kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a few parents with very bratty, ill-behaved kids who are the type who are dragging them around to at least one, maybe two, sports or activities every night of the week. The one in particular gets a lot of "I don't know how you do it!!!" praise for running around a bunch of kids with an uninvolved dad.

In reality, the end result is she is not really spending any kind of meaningful time with her kids. They are either in the sports or on the sidelines playing with other siblings as she socializes with other moms. No one disciplines them.

Yes I know the type. The thought of being home with the kids is terrifying to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have all these super nice adults who have kids who are absolute terrors. Not all their kids are bad some one or two of their kids are out of control.

Is this bad parenting?

One girl is so bad hitting and cursing at parents, other kids and her siblings. DH and I were shocked watching the girl’s behavior.

Are you parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their parentings skills suck. I know people like this. They are the type to sit in first class and leave their kids alone in economy to fend for themselves. They will give 3 of them 1 I-pad to fight over for the flight and stay blissfully unaware several rows ahead.

...this is oddly specific

We have a friend whose kids fight constantly. I wish they would give them an iPad. Even on a flight or long road trip, the parents refuse to give the kids any screens. Instead they suffer through whining and fighting and parents often say how terrible the trip was because kids were fighting the whole time.

Sometimes you have to play the long game, though.

We went on a summer odyssey from dc to the midwest and back in our packed to the gills Honda Odyssey (8 people, including the grandparents.) Two day trip in both directions. Zero screens in the car. Air conditioning conked out half way through. The kids did absolutely, unbelievably well -- giggling, chatting, reading, singing, playing card games. A few years back, shorter trips were more thunderdomey.

Agree. The long game is to allow them to whine/fight/work it out/giggle/get bored/complain/invent a game/rinse and repeat, not to pacify them with screens.

This is why I don't love parenting in public. Obviously you have to do it, but I feel like there is often a conflict between the best parenting choice in the moment and what other people want/expect from both you and your kids.

When a kid is whining in public, most people just want it to stop. Well the easiest way to stop whining is to give them what they want. In fact people will even just say this to you if you're at the grocery store or somewhere and your kid is whining/demanding some treat -- I can't count the number of times some stranger has said "oh just give it to her" in this exasperated voice. They want the whining to stop. But just giving your kid what they want when they are misbehaving isn't good parenting. Neither is hitting them or yelling at them (which is what certain people want you to do to make the whining stop). So you have to choose between the long game and pleasing the stranger who is no doubt as annoyed, if not more so, by my kid's behavior.

Some amount of misbehavior from kids is normal and part of them learning what not to do. I think ages 5-7 are the hardest for this because people will be a bit more understanding of toddler/preschooler meltdowns but by kindergarten people think "that child should know how to behave." But this is actually the age when they figure it out. I have seen much more maturing between 5 and 7 than between 3 and 5, because an older kid can actually choose how to behave whereas younger kids are often just reacting instinctively to situations.

But other people don't help. Even friends and family can work against you on this one (sometimes they make it much worse, like the grandparent or aunt or uncle who always indulges bad behavior so they can be "the favorite"). It's so much easier to do this kind of parenting at home where if my kids responds poorly to boundaries I set, I'm the only one who has to deal with the fallout, and where there's no risk of other people undermining my authority by contradicting my efforts to push my kids to entertain themselves, deal with disappointment, practice patience, etc.

[Anonymous]

How do you know so many? I know one or two, but they have SN and very involved parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their parentings skills suck. I know people like this. They are the type to sit in first class and leave their kids alone in economy to fend for themselves. They will give 3 of them 1 I-pad to fight over for the flight and stay blissfully unaware several rows ahead.

...this is oddly specific

We have a friend whose kids fight constantly. I wish they would give them an iPad. Even on a flight or long road trip, the parents refuse to give the kids any screens. Instead they suffer through whining and fighting and parents often say how terrible the trip was because kids were fighting the whole time.

Sometimes you have to play the long game, though.

We went on a summer odyssey from dc to the midwest and back in our packed to the gills Honda Odyssey (8 people, including the grandparents.) Two day trip in both directions. Zero screens in the car. Air conditioning conked out half way through. The kids did absolutely, unbelievably well -- giggling, chatting, reading, singing, playing card games. A few years back, shorter trips were more thunderdomey.

Agree. The long game is to allow them to whine/fight/work it out/giggle/get bored/complain/invent a game/rinse and repeat, not to pacify them with screens.

This is why I don't love parenting in public. Obviously you have to do it, but I feel like there is often a conflict between the best parenting choice in the moment and what other people want/expect from both you and your kids.

When a kid is whining in public, most people just want it to stop. Well the easiest way to stop whining is to give them what they want. In fact people will even just say this to you if you're at the grocery store or somewhere and your kid is whining/demanding some treat -- I can't count the number of times some stranger has said "oh just give it to her" in this exasperated voice. They want the whining to stop. But just giving your kid what they want when they are misbehaving isn't good parenting. Neither is hitting them or yelling at them (which is what certain people want you to do to make the whining stop). So you have to choose between the long game and pleasing the stranger who is no doubt as annoyed, if not more so, by my kid's behavior.

Some amount of misbehavior from kids is normal and part of them learning what not to do. I think ages 5-7 are the hardest for this because people will be a bit more understanding of toddler/preschooler meltdowns but by kindergarten people think "that child should know how to behave." But this is actually the age when they figure it out. I have seen much more maturing between 5 and 7 than between 3 and 5, because an older kid can actually choose how to behave whereas younger kids are often just reacting instinctively to situations.

But other people don't help. Even friends and family can work against you on this one (sometimes they make it much worse, like the grandparent or aunt or uncle who always indulges bad behavior so they can be "the favorite"). It's so much easier to do this kind of parenting at home where if my kids responds poorly to boundaries I set, I'm the only one who has to deal with the fallout, and where there's no risk of other people undermining my authority by contradicting my efforts to push my kids to entertain themselves, deal with disappointment, practice patience, etc.

+1 this

I bet approximately 75% of the people who spend their days railing against "gentle parenting" give parents dirty looks because they just don't like that children exist in their world

[Anonymous]

My neighborhood is full of these types of parents and DC.

We are nearby an AAP magnet school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some nice people with ill behaved kids have been poorly served by the positive/gentle parenting movement. A video just came up on my social media with some “expert” claiming that kids go into fight or flight mode when we use 1-2-3 countdowns to try to get them to stop (or start) doing something. And that instead parents should “invite the child to move into something else”. Like what? On what planet does that actually work? Parents have been made to feel so afraid that a child might feel a negative emotion as a result of something the parent says to them because these dumb parenting experts keep telling them it’s so bad for kids’ nervous systems to be upset. Our brains are capable of experiencing a full range of emotions for a reason! If a kid is upset because there’s a consequence for acting feral, so be it. That is how we become socialized.

+100, and this advice is pretty widespread right now. Prevents the child from learning proper behavior.

[Anonymous]

You only see these "nice" parents in public, not behind closed doors. You have no idea what they are like at home. Kids react to the parenting they receive.

[Anonymous]

It’s the gentle parenting movement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the gentle parenting movement.

Lmao

[Anonymous]

These are the morons that were too “nice” to discipline

[Anonymous]

There's no such thing as a bad kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some nice people with ill behaved kids have been poorly served by the positive/gentle parenting movement. A video just came up on my social media with some “expert” claiming that kids go into fight or flight mode when we use 1-2-3 countdowns to try to get them to stop (or start) doing something. And that instead parents should “invite the child to move into something else”. Like what? On what planet does that actually work? Parents have been made to feel so afraid that a child might feel a negative emotion as a result of something the parent says to them because these dumb parenting experts keep telling them it’s so bad for kids’ nervous systems to be upset. Our brains are capable of experiencing a full range of emotions for a reason! If a kid is upset because there’s a consequence for acting feral, so be it. That is how we become socialized.

+100, and this advice is pretty widespread right now. Prevents the child from learning proper behavior.

+2

The 1-2-3 counting usually ends at 3 with a time out. When I told a group of other preschool parents at the playground that we do time outs, the reaction is what I would have expected if I said I beat them. We're the only one I know who do time outs (using 1-2-3 Magic). And... we have the best behaved kids. Not a coincidence.