DD wants to bring dullard bf for Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

1. It's good that you know not to criticize - you will only push her into his arms. You are wise.

2. Brilliant people usually need non-brilliant partners, OP. All the brilliant people closest to me (my husband, my cousin, my daughter), have their best relationships with people with lower IQs than their stratospheric ones; and who have better emotional control and maturity. It's no wonder at all that she could not live with her brilliant but immature ex. My husband is older than me but is less mature and quite volatile. I am the steady hand at the rudder, with a much higher emotional quotient than his.

3. It's hard to watch your adult children make mistakes and have no control. Best of luck navigating this next part of their lives.

Your emotional quotient is off the charts! Thanks for this kind, measured post.

I am not OP but am facing a very similar situation. As the parent of an adult child you can keep your mouth shut and have concerns at the same time.

People who are not there yet, or dodged this bullet, should not judge.

Deeply ironic to be told not to judge in a post that is entirely about OP judging a young man as not good enough for her precious child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anything negative you say will be held against you forever should they end up married.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. I fear the mask will slip and I will get irritated and say something I regret over Christmas dinner. The bf also has poor manners, which I guess is snobbish of me to say, but it grates on me. I was raised differently, and I tried to raise my children to behave well. Usually, they do. But DD is enamored of this guy. I asked him very politely to pass something to my husband when we took them out to dinner (we asked her to dinner, but she brought him, uninvited) and DD got extremely upset with ME, telling me I had no right to ask him to do anything! I was paying for a nice meal, and I thought it was OK to ask him to please pass something to my husband. Offense?? Yes, he is dull. No spark, no humor, no imagination. I have no idea what they talk about. They both play the same sport, but I can't see that they have anything else in common.

Is your husband mute? Why would you speak for him? So weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anything negative you say will be held against you forever should they end up married.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Our DD has been dating a nice young man for two years and engagement is on the horizon. Early in the relationship (and even more recently) the boyfriend's mother was horrible and withheld invitations to the silliest of things, clearly trying to place a wedge into the relationship which did not work. I was there for those tears that my DD would shed at the hands of her boyfriend's mother, and I will never forget what she has put my DD through, never. I see this woman who will become part of our family as a troublemaker who is unhappy or unfulfilled in her life and tragically plays the "look at me" game every change she gets and it is truly sad to witness. Nevertheless it is my DD's choice to be with this young man, and he is very good to her, but I have cautioned her on the "mother in law chronicles ala DC Urban Moms (lol) to no avail. These are her choices to make, my job is to be there and listen, hold the occasional hand and support my grown DD in her choices. And yes, I did pipe in early on during one of conversations that she should look at the big picture with his mother when deciding how she wanted her life to play out, and that was it. I never brought it up again, this is her choice.

I suggest you take a look at the Reddit,justnomil. It’s nuts.

[Anonymous]

We have a similar situation with DD now mid 20s. If I had to choose a word to describe her partner it would be albatross. So the bad news is there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to push her away from the guy. The ONLY thing you can do is act with radical grace and acceptance, even if you don’t feel an ounce of it in your heart. Any criticism or suggestions to slow things down will be taken as an attack and she might cut you off.

As far as not inviting him to every single thing, you’re stuck there too. The old school rules were only a fiancé/fiancée, and then later a live in was also in that category and had to be invited. Unfortunately, we can’t fall back on those rules anymore! Essentially, your daughter has told you that she insist he be invited. So that is definitely what you have to do.

You grit your teeth so that you can continue to have a relationship with your daughter and perhaps future grandchildren. And this is also the only way that she will ever come to you if she recognizes that he’s damaging and wants to leave. I know it’s a better pill to swallow, but that’s it. You have to accept him end of story.

The only time the rules really change is if the partner is like a heroin addict or a sex offender. Then you have to protect the rest of the family. Anything sort of that level we just have to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you refuse to have him at Christmas, you’ll push her deeper into the relationship with him. It will be the two of them against you and you’ll give them something to bond over. Your actions will lead to undesirable results.

Yes, OP. Think this through. I wouldn’t like it, but I wouldn’t push my kid away. Be generous.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are very rigid. You ok?
How special is your home that he can't come?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. And is it wrong of me to think it's rude of DD to bring her dull boyfriend along to every family event she is invited to? I do not invite him, but she brings him anyway, even if we have to scramble around to make new reservations. Often, she makes the reservations and picks the restaurant so she can include him. I feel like he's freeloading.
We are not rich. I'd dislike him even more if he were rich.

Two observations.

Your DD was upset you asked the BF to pass something to your DH. Not the BF. Your DD is inviting him and not telling you. Not the BF. Yet you feel like he’s freeloading.

You say you have great manners yet you are afraid you haven’t enough self-control to maintain good manners for one evening. That you will “slip.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anything negative you say will be held against you forever should they end up married.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. I fear the mask will slip and I will get irritated and say something I regret over Christmas dinner. The bf also has poor manners, which I guess is snobbish of me to say, but it grates on me. I was raised differently, and I tried to raise my children to behave well. Usually, they do. But DD is enamored of this guy. I asked him very politely to pass something to my husband when we took them out to dinner (we asked her to dinner, but she brought him, uninvited) and DD got extremely upset with ME, telling me I had no right to ask him to do anything! I was paying for a nice meal, and I thought it was OK to ask him to please pass something to my husband. Offense?? Yes, he is dull. No spark, no humor, no imagination. I have no idea what they talk about. They both play the same sport, but I can't see that they have anything else in common.

Is your husband mute? Why would you speak for him? So weird.

+1 …sounds like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in selecting partners

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t hear any serious red flags from you. Just that you find him dull and unaccomplished. His personality/sense of humor has to be a good match for HER, not you. As long as he’s polite to you, it’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a troll. Dullard? Come on.

Troll is trying too hard to be snobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a similar situation with DD now mid 20s. If I had to choose a word to describe her partner it would be albatross. So the bad news is there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to push her away from the guy. The ONLY thing you can do is act with radical grace and acceptance, even if you don’t feel an ounce of it in your heart. Any criticism or suggestions to slow things down will be taken as an attack and she might cut you off.

As far as not inviting him to every single thing, you’re stuck there too. The old school rules were only a fiancé/fiancée, and then later a live in was also in that category and had to be invited. Unfortunately, we can’t fall back on those rules anymore! Essentially, your daughter has told you that she insist he be invited. So that is definitely what you have to do.

You grit your teeth so that you can continue to have a relationship with your daughter and perhaps future grandchildren. And this is also the only way that she will ever come to you if she recognizes that he’s damaging and wants to leave. I know it’s a better pill to swallow, but that’s it. You have to accept him end of story.

The only time the rules really change is if the partner is like a heroin addict or a sex offender. Then you have to protect the rest of the family. Anything sort of that level we just have to deal with.

This is OP.
I am sorry you are in this situation. It sounds enormously stressful and just so sad. And so similar to my situation. Thanks for sharing your story with me. It is helpful.
My dd's BF is not totally an albatross - but he does seem to weigh her down.
Does your DD's albatross love-bomb your DD?
That's the most worrying thing to me.
I feel as though my DD's dull bf is looking for someone to fill the "wife" role, and she seems like a nice candidate.
Is that the worst thing in the world? No, but is it the best thing for my DD?
Women are so pressured to please men. And women lose themselves in pleasing men.
I worry my daughter will be held back by this man, who pays relentless, I'd almost say obsessive, attention to her -- now.
It's hard to see her be dragged down by the seduction of his love-bombing.
It's happened to me (before I met DH), and fortunately, I got out of it in time, but it WAS seductive. To have a man totally interested in YOU, focused on YOU, and completely interested in YOU!
That's what I see happening to my DD with this bf, and that worries me a lot.
Sigh. I'll do my best to take your advice and bite my tongue, PP, but it won't be easy!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a similar situation with DD now mid 20s. If I had to choose a word to describe her partner it would be albatross. So the bad news is there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to push her away from the guy. The ONLY thing you can do is act with radical grace and acceptance, even if you don’t feel an ounce of it in your heart. Any criticism or suggestions to slow things down will be taken as an attack and she might cut you off.

As far as not inviting him to every single thing, you’re stuck there too. The old school rules were only a fiancé/fiancée, and then later a live in was also in that category and had to be invited. Unfortunately, we can’t fall back on those rules anymore! Essentially, your daughter has told you that she insist he be invited. So that is definitely what you have to do.

You grit your teeth so that you can continue to have a relationship with your daughter and perhaps future grandchildren. And this is also the only way that she will ever come to you if she recognizes that he’s damaging and wants to leave. I know it’s a better pill to swallow, but that’s it. You have to accept him end of story.

The only time the rules really change is if the partner is like a heroin addict or a sex offender. Then you have to protect the rest of the family. Anything sort of that level we just have to deal with.

This is OP.
I am sorry you are in this situation. It sounds enormously stressful and just so sad. And so similar to my situation. Thanks for sharing your story with me. It is helpful.
My dd's BF is not totally an albatross - but he does seem to weigh her down.
Does your DD's albatross love-bomb your DD?
That's the most worrying thing to me.
I feel as though my DD's dull bf is looking for someone to fill the "wife" role, and she seems like a nice candidate.
Is that the worst thing in the world? No, but is it the best thing for my DD?
Women are so pressured to please men. And women lose themselves in pleasing men.
I worry my daughter will be held back by this man, who pays relentless, I'd almost say obsessive, attention to her -- now.
It's hard to see her be dragged down by the seduction of his love-bombing.
It's happened to me (before I met DH), and fortunately, I got out of it in time, but it WAS seductive. To have a man totally interested in YOU, focused on YOU, and completely interested in YOU!
That's what I see happening to my DD with this bf, and that worries me a lot.
Sigh. I'll do my best to take your advice and bite my tongue, PP, but it won't be easy!!

There is definitely a love bombing dynamic, lots of romance and grand gestures. He works to make her dependent on him, but he’s pretty incompetent in daily life and lies frequently. Something that happened repeatedly during college is that they would be off doing something they weren’t supposed to be doing, she would end up in serious trouble, and at the last minute I would get a call to perform a miracle. Like the time I paid for her to travel in Europe with girlfriends, but she actually went with him. Got into an accident and was suffering without treatment in a public hospital in one of the lesser developed countries. Of course, he couldn’t deal with it and was just letting her languish for a day. She was finally able to call me and I got her evacuated and hospitalized etc. Obviously my daughter chose to participate in the lies, so I have to acknowledge that.

He is isolating and although she’s very accomplished, he definitely limits her work. He interferes both directly and with manipulation to make sure no one else is close to her. It’s a very weird relationship. He’s not violent, but he’s damaging. He has her convinced that they have to stay in a certain region even though he is totally WFH, and that’s a big problem in her field. So it’s a mix of him giving her whatever she wants (movie? She picks it. Dinner? Her choice), but then on big things he subtly drives. He lived with us during lockdown so I saw a lot. I also learned quickly that my daughter was not open to anything remotely critical of him. And I think we’ve all seen that in relationships before. She is pretty distant with her girlfriends and family. It’s all about partner, partner’s family, partner’s friends. She’s sort of subsumed in his world.

It is very sad, but it’s less stressful than it used to be. The change was me accepting reality. I stopped hoping things would change, stopped thinking about it so much. I really do think that the one thing you can do is keep quiet about the partner and keep the door open. Don’t give her a reason not to see you. Don’t say something that would make it hard for her to come to you if she needs to. As a mom it’s hard to let go. I also had to work through some bitterness. We did so much for her and tried to give her wings. It was painful watching really bad choices, feeling 0 appreciation, and so that was another part I had to let go. I did everything I did for my daughter because I am her mother and I love her. The choices she’s making don’t mean that energy was wasted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

1. It's good that you know not to criticize - you will only push her into his arms. You are wise.

2. Brilliant people usually need non-brilliant partners, OP. All the brilliant people closest to me (my husband, my cousin, my daughter), have their best relationships with people with lower IQs than their stratospheric ones; and who have better emotional control and maturity. It's no wonder at all that she could not live with her brilliant but immature ex. My husband is older than me but is less mature and quite volatile. I am the steady hand at the rudder, with a much higher emotional quotient than his.

3. It's hard to watch your adult children make mistakes and have no control. Best of luck navigating this next part of their lives.

Your emotional quotient is off the charts! Thanks for this kind, measured post.

I am not OP but am facing a very similar situation. As the parent of an adult child you can keep your mouth shut and have concerns at the same time.

People who are not there yet, or dodged this bullet, should not judge.

Deeply ironic to be told not to judge in a post that is entirely about OP judging a young man as not good enough for her precious child.

If you recognize and resent judgement, why practice it?

[Anonymous]

Classic troll. Only responds to the posts that reinforce their view and never to the critical posts.

[Anonymous]

Op, I understand what you are saying. I was your daughter however I was eventually smart enough to realize I wasn't in love with the person I was matched with. I simply didn't want to be lonely.

I remember when I broke up woth that person. Everyone was so relieved and said as much. They never said anything when me and the guy were dating.

Hopefully your daughter will wake up. In the mean time keep your thoughts to yourself and be nice. If it comes to marriage ask her questions about the type of lifestyle she intends to live and stress the importance of choosing a matched life partner.