DD wants to bring dullard bf for Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. No you can’t say anything. She invites him and you are a gracious host. You can secretly hope it blows over. If she is as intelligent self aware and emotionally mature as you say she is, she will make the right choices for herself. I get it OP she has more potential and is more accomplished than the bf. We sat back and let it play out. DD called it quits on her own timeline. And yes we are relieved!

Thank you, kind PP for this post. This is my instinct, but I can vent my real feelings on DCUM! Her bf is a few years older, but he's a dull bro, good looking but no spark, not in any way her intellectual or creative equal. I see her shrinking to fit, and it's hard to watch her become so diminished by this man. I fear it will be hard to hide my feelings about him if he comes to our house for Christmas. He has take up all her time, and she seems buried by him. She is professionally accomplished, but mature? She's flattered by his intense focus on her, but doesn't realize it's not healthy and can't last.

Is she panicked by last breakup and worried about peak marriage/child window or sees something in him you don't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anything negative you say will be held against you forever should they end up married.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. I fear the mask will slip and I will get irritated and say something I regret over Christmas dinner. The bf also has poor manners, which I guess is snobbish of me to say, but it grates on me. I was raised differently, and I tried to raise my children to behave well. Usually, they do. But DD is enamored of this guy. I asked him very politely to pass something to my husband when we took them out to dinner (we asked her to dinner, but she brought him, uninvited) and DD got extremely upset with ME, telling me I had no right to ask him to do anything! I was paying for a nice meal, and I thought it was OK to ask him to please pass something to my husband. Offense?? Yes, he is dull. No spark, no humor, no imagination. I have no idea what they talk about. They both play the same sport, but I can't see that they have anything else in common.

How old is she? Do they play same sport in college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. And is it wrong of me to think it's rude of DD to bring her dull boyfriend along to every family event she is invited to? I do not invite him, but she brings him anyway, even if we have to scramble around to make new reservations. Often, she makes the reservations and picks the restaurant so she can include him. I feel like he's freeloading.
We are not rich. I'd dislike him even more if he were rich.

She should seek your permission and you should graciously give it because you don't want to push her away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a duty to make her see the truth. Simply telling her won’t work. She will have to have it demonstrated in front of her.

Here’s what you must do: invite him, but then seize every opportunity to reveal him for the dullard he is. Turn every conversation to accomplishments to show him up. Dazzle him with your vast hinterland of cultural references. Pepper him with questions that he won’t be able to answer.

And make sure you video the whole thing and post on dcum afterwards for our dissection.

This is great in theory, but can be quite hard to do in person. Also the daughter's smart enough to see right through it. But maybe OP can give it a try: talk about subjects that are dear to her daughter, and that simply aren't on the boyfriend's radar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have fun dying alone in a nursing home OP

Why are you being so unkind? OP has shared her valid concerns and also agreed that she needs to simply bite her tongue. Maybe you didn’t bother to read the thread before sweeping in to drop your nastygram

DP. They're not valid concerns. That's the point. This is what comes of the culture of treating every reaction anyone has as desperately in need of "validation." Some people need to hear that their "concerns" are evidence that they're bad people.

She'll never be anything other than trash if no ever tells her that's what she is.

That he’s smothering, clingy, and she fears he may hold her daughter back seem like valid concerns to me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I think the use of the word dullard seems to have really triggered some people. OP is seeing a young man who seems to bring nothing positive to the table and several serious negatives. It’s not like he’s extremely supportive and a joy to be around. I don’t think OP would be concerned if he wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer but he was a great partner to her daughter.

[Anonymous]

My deepest sympathies OP. I married someone who I wish my family had told me wasn’t a good match for me. On paper he’s fine but in reality we really don’t match. While I don’t regret my kids, I definitely made a bad choice for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

1. It's good that you know not to criticize - you will only push her into his arms. You are wise.

2. Brilliant people usually need non-brilliant partners, OP. All the brilliant people closest to me (my husband, my cousin, my daughter), have their best relationships with people with lower IQs than their stratospheric ones; and who have better emotional control and maturity. It's no wonder at all that she could not live with her brilliant but immature ex. My husband is older than me but is less mature and quite volatile. I am the steady hand at the rudder, with a much higher emotional quotient than his.

3. It's hard to watch your adult children make mistakes and have no control. Best of luck navigating this next part of their lives.

Thank you for this kind post, PP. and for your empathy. It is so hard to see my DD shrinking to fit herself to this man. She is still young and has a lot of growing to do. She is off to a great start with an extremely promising career and mentors who encourage and support her. Her BF has none of that. I fear he will stifle her, unintentionally, but his very presence in her life seems already to clip her wings. She seems less imaginative, funny, engaged with the world of ideas that she used to love. I miss the old her.

That is alarming but is it due to her sensing your rejection of him and feeling stuck in the middle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. No you can’t say anything. She invites him and you are a gracious host. You can secretly hope it blows over. If she is as intelligent self aware and emotionally mature as you say she is, she will make the right choices for herself. I get it OP she has more potential and is more accomplished than the bf. We sat back and let it play out. DD called it quits on her own timeline. And yes we are relieved!

Thank you, kind PP for this post. This is my instinct, but I can vent my real feelings on DCUM! Her bf is a few years older, but he's a dull bro, good looking but no spark, not in any way her intellectual or creative equal. I see her shrinking to fit, and it's hard to watch her become so diminished by this man. I fear it will be hard to hide my feelings about him if he comes to our house for Christmas. He has take up all her time, and she seems buried by him. She is professionally accomplished, but mature? She's flattered by his intense focus on her, but doesn't realize it's not healthy and can't last.

So you're jealous that she spends more time with him and less with you?

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like ChatGPT.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like she’s never been told no by her DD before. Time to grow up, OP.

[Anonymous]

She's insecure for some reason and needs a man whose light shines less brightly than hers. It could be a happy partnership if there are things about him that she respects.

Why not approach this with curiosity? What does your daughter see in these last 2 men you didn't like?

No good comes from your judgment and disgust.

Try to cultivate curiosity and you might get to know your adult child better. Connection is key. Pushing this man away will not repair your connection to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are very rigid. You ok?
How special is your home that he can't come?

Probably OP is worried about presumed awkwardness due to his presence as neither they would enjoy him nor would want to introduce him to their guests. They are still grieving her ex and current one doesn't match up with ex or family's vision of an acceptable son-in-law. Obviously, they'll have to swallow this hard pill but that doesn't mean they can't mourn their dreams. Immature on their part but still a reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. And is it wrong of me to think it's rude of DD to bring her dull boyfriend along to every family event she is invited to? I do not invite him, but she brings him anyway, even if we have to scramble around to make new reservations. Often, she makes the reservations and picks the restaurant so she can include him. I feel like he's freeloading.
We are not rich. I'd dislike him even more if he were rich.

Two observations.

Your DD was upset you asked the BF to pass something to your DH. Not the BF. Your DD is inviting him and not telling you. Not the BF. Yet you feel like he’s freeloading.

You say you have great manners yet you are afraid you haven’t enough self-control to maintain good manners for one evening. That you will “slip.”

This^. Probably BF is also being forced to join to make your DD happy and abhors it as much as you do.

[Anonymous]

1) OP, please describe you and your DH, and the dynamic. Do you work? How is your DH accomplished? How are YOU accomplished?

2) honestly, how hot is your daughter — in the days of OLD that drives a LOT of dating options

3) I’m guessing your DD has seen the more limited dating market for women up close, and has felt this is her best option. Maybe she doesn’t want the high prestige career you want, but wants to SAH, perhaps like you? Maybe Mr Dullard is kinder in ways you don’t see, and eventually she will take on the primary career track once married — just like some women don’t give up their careers when just dating.

Dating is kind of turned on its head, so you really have no idea. If she didn’t land a DH in college, it’s slim pickings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet that guy is praying you say something.

The most mind blowing sex I ever had was with partners whose parents disapproved or <shudder> forbid the relationship.

Why parents of so many of your boyfriends forbid their relationship with you?