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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We have a similar situation with DD now mid 20s. If I had to choose a word to describe her partner it would be albatross. So the bad news is there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to push her away from the guy. The ONLY thing you can do is act with radical grace and acceptance, even if you don’t feel an ounce of it in your heart. Any criticism or suggestions to slow things down will be taken as an attack and she might cut you off.

As far as not inviting him to every single thing, you’re stuck there too. The old school rules were only a fiancé/fiancée, and then later a live in was also in that category and had to be invited. Unfortunately, we can’t fall back on those rules anymore! Essentially, your daughter has told you that she insist he be invited. So that is definitely what you have to do.

You grit your teeth so that you can continue to have a relationship with your daughter and perhaps future grandchildren. And this is also the only way that she will ever come to you if she recognizes that he’s damaging and wants to leave. I know it’s a better pill to swallow, but that’s it. You have to accept him end of story.

The only time the rules really change is if the partner is like a heroin addict or a sex offender. Then you have to protect the rest of the family. Anything sort of that level we just have to deal with.[/quote]

This is OP.
I am sorry you are in this situation. It sounds enormously stressful and just so sad. And so similar to my situation. Thanks for sharing your story with me. It is helpful. 
My dd's BF is not totally an albatross - but he does seem to weigh her down. 
Does your DD's albatross love-bomb your DD? 
That's the most worrying thing to me. 
I feel as though my DD's dull bf is looking for someone to fill the "wife" role, and she seems like a nice candidate.
Is that the worst thing in the world? No, but is it the best thing for my DD?
Women are so pressured to please men. And women lose themselves in pleasing men.
I worry my daughter will be held back by this man, who pays relentless, I'd almost say obsessive, attention to her -- now. 
It's hard to see her be dragged down by the seduction of his love-bombing.
It's happened to me (before I met DH), and fortunately, I got out of it in time, but it WAS seductive. To have a man totally interested in YOU, focused on YOU, and completely interested in YOU! 
That's what I see happening to my DD with this bf, and that worries me a lot.
Sigh. I'll do my best to take your advice and bite my tongue, PP, but it won't be easy!![/quote]
There is definitely a love bombing dynamic, lots of romance and grand gestures. He works to make her dependent on him, but he’s pretty incompetent in daily life and lies frequently. Something that happened repeatedly during college is that they would be off doing something they weren’t supposed to be doing, she would end up in serious trouble, and at the last minute I would get a call to perform a miracle. Like the time I paid for her to travel in Europe with girlfriends, but she actually went with him. Got into an accident and was suffering without treatment in a public hospital in one of the lesser developed countries. Of course, he couldn’t deal with it and was just letting her languish for a day. She was finally able to call me and I got her evacuated and hospitalized etc. Obviously my daughter chose to participate in the lies, so I have to acknowledge that.

He is isolating and although she’s very accomplished, he definitely limits her work. He interferes both directly and with manipulation to make sure no one else is close to her. It’s a very weird relationship. He’s not violent, but he’s damaging. He has her convinced that they have to stay in a certain region even though he is totally WFH, and that’s a big problem in her field. So it’s a mix of him giving her whatever she wants (movie? She picks it. Dinner? Her choice), but then on big things he subtly drives. He lived with us during lockdown so I saw a lot. I also learned quickly that my daughter was not open to anything remotely critical of him. And I think we’ve all seen that in relationships before. She is pretty distant with her girlfriends and family. It’s all about partner, partner’s family, partner’s friends. She’s sort of subsumed in his world.

It is very sad, but it’s less stressful than it used to be. The change was me accepting reality. I stopped hoping things would change, stopped thinking about it so much. I really do think that the one thing you can do is keep quiet about the partner and keep the door open. Don’t give her a reason not to see you. Don’t say something that would make it hard for her to come to you if she needs to. As a mom it’s hard to let go. I also had to work through some bitterness. We did so much for her and tried to give her wings. It was painful watching really bad choices, feeling 0 appreciation, and so that was another part I had to let go. I did everything I did for my daughter because I am her mother and I love her. The choices she’s making don’t mean that energy was wasted. [/quote]

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