DD wants to bring dullard bf for Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a similar situation with DD now mid 20s. If I had to choose a word to describe her partner it would be albatross. So the bad news is there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to push her away from the guy. The ONLY thing you can do is act with radical grace and acceptance, even if you don’t feel an ounce of it in your heart. Any criticism or suggestions to slow things down will be taken as an attack and she might cut you off.

As far as not inviting him to every single thing, you’re stuck there too. The old school rules were only a fiancé/fiancée, and then later a live in was also in that category and had to be invited. Unfortunately, we can’t fall back on those rules anymore! Essentially, your daughter has told you that she insist he be invited. So that is definitely what you have to do.

You grit your teeth so that you can continue to have a relationship with your daughter and perhaps future grandchildren. And this is also the only way that she will ever come to you if she recognizes that he’s damaging and wants to leave. I know it’s a better pill to swallow, but that’s it. You have to accept him end of story.

The only time the rules really change is if the partner is like a heroin addict or a sex offender. Then you have to protect the rest of the family. Anything sort of that level we just have to deal with.

This is OP.
I am sorry you are in this situation. It sounds enormously stressful and just so sad. And so similar to my situation. Thanks for sharing your story with me. It is helpful.
My dd's BF is not totally an albatross - but he does seem to weigh her down.
Does your DD's albatross love-bomb your DD?
That's the most worrying thing to me.
I feel as though my DD's dull bf is looking for someone to fill the "wife" role, and she seems like a nice candidate.
Is that the worst thing in the world? No, but is it the best thing for my DD?
Women are so pressured to please men. And women lose themselves in pleasing men.
I worry my daughter will be held back by this man, who pays relentless, I'd almost say obsessive, attention to her -- now.
It's hard to see her be dragged down by the seduction of his love-bombing.
It's happened to me (before I met DH), and fortunately, I got out of it in time, but it WAS seductive. To have a man totally interested in YOU, focused on YOU, and completely interested in YOU!
That's what I see happening to my DD with this bf, and that worries me a lot.
Sigh. I'll do my best to take your advice and bite my tongue, PP, but it won't be easy!!

Is the BF medicated for ADHD or ASG or any of these things?

Go read the relationship forum and all the useless spouses with some neuro problem.

They sound like this BF. Chances are if your DD marries this loser he will make sure she alienates you going forward so much of the advice about maintaining a relationship is likely useless.

[Anonymous]

Sending you some whiskey and/or valium

[Anonymous]

My mom did this OP. I married the "dullard boyfriend" and it will be our 20th anniversary soon. My mom never got over it and she is now dead, so I don't have to be an anxious wreck whenever I celebrate Christmas now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you refuse to have him at Christmas, you’ll push her deeper into the relationship with him. It will be the two of them against you and you’ll give them something to bond over. Your actions will lead to undesirable results.

+1
Unlike others here, I think you are 100% justified to be repulsed at the idea of a dimwit clinging to your dd. You do have to be accepting and it will dampen the holidays but put on a good face because the alternative is pushing her away. Right now she is blind to how her boyfriend is perceived but give her space to decide on her own.

+1- all of my children have had a similar relationship at some point and figured out on their own that they aren’t the right one. Just be pleasant and let nature run it’s course

[Anonymous]

Have fun dying alone in a nursing home OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have fun dying alone in a nursing home OP

Why are you being so unkind? OP has shared her valid concerns and also agreed that she needs to simply bite her tongue. Maybe you didn’t bother to read the thread before sweeping in to drop your nastygram

[Anonymous]

What is your relationship like with her? I was in your daughter's position and I wish my mother had pulled me aside to point the red flags out to me. She didn't and it was for the worst. We talk about it now and she says she never said anything because she didn't want to impose on my life, but I didn't see what she saw until it was too late.

[Anonymous]

Just make sure he is on the end of the pictures so when they break up you can crop him out.

[Anonymous]

Well, what the OP is saying and what the other poster is describing as coercive control during Covid are two totally different things. Those are two different posters, right? Or am I confused?

All that said, there is a big difference between a dullard and someone who is actually engaging in major manipulation. I also cannot tell how old these people are.

I can imagine a world in which my family might think I married someone not as smart as me. But, my husband is amazing even if he isn’t Ivy League like me (which is a totally dumb way to decide who is “smart”). But, he brings incredible partnership to the table, we have lots of fun and make each other laugh, etc. We have been married almost 20 years and I wouldn’t trade him in for some “gunner” that makes a ton of money. I make a ton of money and couldn’t have moved up in the way I did without his partnership (unless I didn’t have kids).

At the end of the day, your brilliant daughter is choosing this. And you raised her. I made one huge relationship mistake in my late 20s, and the reality is that the mess I was in was based a lot on the dynamic I saw with my parents. Luckily, I made my way out of that one without marriage or kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have fun dying alone in a nursing home OP

Why are you being so unkind? OP has shared her valid concerns and also agreed that she needs to simply bite her tongue. Maybe you didn’t bother to read the thread before sweeping in to drop your nastygram

DP. They're not valid concerns. That's the point. This is what comes of the culture of treating every reaction anyone has as desperately in need of "validation." Some people need to hear that their "concerns" are evidence that they're bad people.

She'll never be anything other than trash if no ever tells her that's what she is.

[Anonymous]

I bet that guy is praying you say something.

The most mind blowing sex I ever had was with partners whose parents disapproved or <shudder> forbid the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your relationship like with her? I was in your daughter's position and I wish my mother had pulled me aside to point the red flags out to me. She didn't and it was for the worst. We talk about it now and she says she never said anything because she didn't want to impose on my life, but I didn't see what she saw until it was too late.

Agreed. This is totally separate from the holidays question. Yes he gets to come, obviously.

But you can also have a separate conversation with DD in the new year. Tread carefully and it depends on your existing relationship but my parents definitely did not just quietly validate every choice I've ever made and I am still close to them now as a 40+ yo adult with my own family.

[Anonymous]

You have a duty to make her see the truth. Simply telling her won’t work. She will have to have it demonstrated in front of her.

Here’s what you must do: invite him, but then seize every opportunity to reveal him for the dullard he is. Turn every conversation to accomplishments to show him up. Dazzle him with your vast hinterland of cultural references. Pepper him with questions that he won’t be able to answer.

And make sure you video the whole thing and post on dcum afterwards for our dissection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brilliant, accomplished daughter has been dating a very dull, unaccomplished man who smothers her with attention and is very clingy. I'm sure she's a good catch for him. He's a rebound boyfriend following her breakup with a very bright but extremely immature boyfriend.
She wants to bring this man to Christmas, but I didn't invite him and don't want him at our family's celebration. Can I tell her this?
Her father and I have said nothing to her about what we think of him (of course), but now she's hinting at getting engaged. They've been dating for eight months.
I have seen this scenario before among my friends and my friends' children. It never ends well. My DD is "in love" so will hear nothing.
Advice?

She is an adult and according to your post, a brilliant, accomplished and mature woman with previous relationship experience. She has been dating him for 8+ months and sees him as a long term partner. Give her some credit and be gracious or accept it that she is as immature as him, only issue is that you don't find him up to your standards or comparable to the her previous BF. Am I interpreting it wrong?

That being said, if you think she is making a mistake, say so to her. There is no point in hiding your head into sand by avoiding him. If she likes him enough to consider engagement, she'll keep seeing him no matter he is welcome at your home or not. You can't forbid her from seeing him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your daughter should kick you to the curb and spend the holiday with someone worthwhile.

OP is clearly a concerned parent and DD needs to set boundaries, no kicking is warranted.