Hung up on the idea that toxic STBX husband will be the perfect husband for some 25 year old girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a toxic marriage where my husband has habitually cheated on me along with strategic doses of gaslighting and DARVO to keep me confused and manipulating my deep feelings for him. We never had kids as he stalled and hemmed and hawed. Now I am at the end of my fertility but clinging on...why? The gut wrenching idea that he will turn around and build the family I so wanted with some 25 year old girl after denying it to me for years!

I will probably not survive that...

Agreeing with the PPs who've suggested therapy, because you're obsessing over something that's not happening now, and that makes it hard to be happy in the present.

But to pop your rumination bubble: No, he won't. He'll still be himself. He'll probably sell her the lie, same as he did you, and then she'll go through what you have. Leopards don't change their spots. It's really difficult to change who you fundamentally are, especially if your go-to management strategies are blaming the people closest to you and then using gaslighting/DARVO/manipulations to try to dodge responsibility.

Leaving a person like that isn't a loss. If your brain is glitching your grief processing, and making you think you should stay to prevent the fantasy you describe, you can get help with that.

[Anonymous]

How old are you?

Time to either get pregnant or get divorced and try to find someone else. If you’re close to 40, you don’t have time to navel gaze over this. He has lots of time. Life is not fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I’m the 25yo in that situation and I’ll tell you the reality (that being said I’m in my 30s, but still significantly younger than H’s ex wife. H isn’t narcissistic but has been extremely immature and had addiction problems).

The only reason it has worked out with H and I is that I have zero tolerance for any BS from him. He knows if he does not pull his weight, relapses, anything, it’s over. In fact he didn’t want kids when we first met; I immediately dumped him and he was like “wait what” because he was used to his ex-wife for bent over backwards for him. He spent over a year trying to win me back.

Building my dream life and being happy are more important to me than being with him, so he knows if he can’t contribute to that, I’m out. I make my own money and I can handle raising our kids on my own just fine. His ex-wife spent WAY too much time trying to convince him to get a better job, to not drink, they even tried having an open relationship at one point to see if that would help. That was her mistake, with men, you can’t cater to them. They’re either on board or they’re immediately gone.

On the flip side, I know he and his ex wife have a bond we won’t. They had a LOT in common and there’s certain things they shared that H and I don’t. Example, H has expressed that he misses having the shared experiences they had, like going to music festivals, reading the same books and talking about it, etc. I will never go to a music festival and I find Cormac McCarthy extremely boring and dumb.

And yea, I know it’s completely possible he can leave me and start over. That’s why it’s so important for women to have their own money and pursue their happiness first, above making a man happy. If he left me and the kids tomorrow, we’d be totally fine and I’d be out dating again within a few weeks.

This is not the flex you think it is.

I think it is a good post and that the PP makes a really valid point. Well, absent the Cormac McCarthy is "dumb" thing.

I guess? I mean, I can’t imagine having children with someone I’d be over in a couple weeks, but it sounds like it works for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I’m the 25yo in that situation and I’ll tell you the reality (that being said I’m in my 30s, but still significantly younger than H’s ex wife. H isn’t narcissistic but has been extremely immature and had addiction problems).

The only reason it has worked out with H and I is that I have zero tolerance for any BS from him. He knows if he does not pull his weight, relapses, anything, it’s over. In fact he didn’t want kids when we first met; I immediately dumped him and he was like “wait what” because he was used to his ex-wife for bent over backwards for him. He spent over a year trying to win me back.

Building my dream life and being happy are more important to me than being with him, so he knows if he can’t contribute to that, I’m out. I make my own money and I can handle raising our kids on my own just fine. His ex-wife spent WAY too much time trying to convince him to get a better job, to not drink, they even tried having an open relationship at one point to see if that would help. That was her mistake, with men, you can’t cater to them. They’re either on board or they’re immediately gone.

On the flip side, I know he and his ex wife have a bond we won’t. They had a LOT in common and there’s certain things they shared that H and I don’t. Example, H has expressed that he misses having the shared experiences they had, like going to music festivals, reading the same books and talking about it, etc. I will never go to a music festival and I find Cormac McCarthy extremely boring and dumb.

And yea, I know it’s completely possible he can leave me and start over. That’s why it’s so important for women to have their own money and pursue their happiness first, above making a man happy. If he left me and the kids tomorrow, we’d be totally fine and I’d be out dating again within a few weeks.

What did you see in this prize?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I’m the 25yo in that situation and I’ll tell you the reality (that being said I’m in my 30s, but still significantly younger than H’s ex wife. H isn’t narcissistic but has been extremely immature and had addiction problems).

The only reason it has worked out with H and I is that I have zero tolerance for any BS from him. He knows if he does not pull his weight, relapses, anything, it’s over. In fact he didn’t want kids when we first met; I immediately dumped him and he was like “wait what” because he was used to his ex-wife for bent over backwards for him. He spent over a year trying to win me back.

Building my dream life and being happy are more important to me than being with him, so he knows if he can’t contribute to that, I’m out. I make my own money and I can handle raising our kids on my own just fine. His ex-wife spent WAY too much time trying to convince him to get a better job, to not drink, they even tried having an open relationship at one point to see if that would help. That was her mistake, with men, you can’t cater to them. They’re either on board or they’re immediately gone.

On the flip side, I know he and his ex wife have a bond we won’t. They had a LOT in common and there’s certain things they shared that H and I don’t. Example, H has expressed that he misses having the shared experiences they had, like going to music festivals, reading the same books and talking about it, etc. I will never go to a music festival and I find Cormac McCarthy extremely boring and dumb.

And yea, I know it’s completely possible he can leave me and start over. That’s why it’s so important for women to have their own money and pursue their happiness first, above making a man happy. If he left me and the kids tomorrow, we’d be totally fine and I’d be out dating again within a few weeks.

This is not the flex you think it is.

I think it is a good post and that the PP makes a really valid point. Well, absent the Cormac McCarthy is "dumb" thing.

No she doesn't pp is being the classic mommy wife, but has deluded herself into thinking she's some girl boss and in control

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I’m the 25yo in that situation and I’ll tell you the reality (that being said I’m in my 30s, but still significantly younger than H’s ex wife. H isn’t narcissistic but has been extremely immature and had addiction problems).

The only reason it has worked out with H and I is that I have zero tolerance for any BS from him. He knows if he does not pull his weight, relapses, anything, it’s over. In fact he didn’t want kids when we first met; I immediately dumped him and he was like “wait what” because he was used to his ex-wife for bent over backwards for him. He spent over a year trying to win me back.

Building my dream life and being happy are more important to me than being with him, so he knows if he can’t contribute to that, I’m out. I make my own money and I can handle raising our kids on my own just fine. His ex-wife spent WAY too much time trying to convince him to get a better job, to not drink, they even tried having an open relationship at one point to see if that would help. That was her mistake, with men, you can’t cater to them. They’re either on board or they’re immediately gone.

On the flip side, I know he and his ex wife have a bond we won’t. They had a LOT in common and there’s certain things they shared that H and I don’t. Example, H has expressed that he misses having the shared experiences they had, like going to music festivals, reading the same books and talking about it, etc. I will never go to a music festival and I find Cormac McCarthy extremely boring and dumb.

And yea, I know it’s completely possible he can leave me and start over. That’s why it’s so important for women to have their own money and pursue their happiness first, above making a man happy. If he left me and the kids tomorrow, we’d be totally fine and I’d be out dating again within a few weeks.

This is not the flex you think it is.

I think it is a good post and that the PP makes a really valid point. Well, absent the Cormac McCarthy is "dumb" thing.

I guess? I mean, I can’t imagine having children with someone I’d be over in a couple weeks, but it sounds like it works for them.

PP. It's not so much "would get over in a couple weeks". Like if H died, I would be devastated and grief for a very long time.

It's more that, I'm not gonna waste emotion on someone who decides to see if the grass is greener elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I’m the 25yo in that situation and I’ll tell you the reality (that being said I’m in my 30s, but still significantly younger than H’s ex wife. H isn’t narcissistic but has been extremely immature and had addiction problems).

The only reason it has worked out with H and I is that I have zero tolerance for any BS from him. He knows if he does not pull his weight, relapses, anything, it’s over. In fact he didn’t want kids when we first met; I immediately dumped him and he was like “wait what” because he was used to his ex-wife for bent over backwards for him. He spent over a year trying to win me back.

Building my dream life and being happy are more important to me than being with him, so he knows if he can’t contribute to that, I’m out. I make my own money and I can handle raising our kids on my own just fine. His ex-wife spent WAY too much time trying to convince him to get a better job, to not drink, they even tried having an open relationship at one point to see if that would help. That was her mistake, with men, you can’t cater to them. They’re either on board or they’re immediately gone.

On the flip side, I know he and his ex wife have a bond we won’t. They had a LOT in common and there’s certain things they shared that H and I don’t. Example, H has expressed that he misses having the shared experiences they had, like going to music festivals, reading the same books and talking about it, etc. I will never go to a music festival and I find Cormac McCarthy extremely boring and dumb.

And yea, I know it’s completely possible he can leave me and start over. That’s why it’s so important for women to have their own money and pursue their happiness first, above making a man happy. If he left me and the kids tomorrow, we’d be totally fine and I’d be out dating again within a few weeks.

This is not the flex you think it is.

I think it is a good post and that the PP makes a really valid point. Well, absent the Cormac McCarthy is "dumb" thing.

I guess? I mean, I can’t imagine having children with someone I’d be over in a couple weeks, but it sounds like it works for them.

PP. It's not so much "would get over in a couple weeks". Like if H died, I would be devastated and grief for a very long time.

It's more that, I'm not gonna waste emotion on someone who decides to see if the grass is greener elsewhere.

But most people would be upset for more than a couple weeks if the father of their children left. Seems like you know you can’t ever really relax, trust, or be vulnerable with your own husband. It strikes me that there is a huge difference between making sure you are financially and emotionally independent and not really trusting your husband’s character. As another poster said, this isn’t the flex you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I’m the 25yo in that situation and I’ll tell you the reality (that being said I’m in my 30s, but still significantly younger than H’s ex wife. H isn’t narcissistic but has been extremely immature and had addiction problems).

The only reason it has worked out with H and I is that I have zero tolerance for any BS from him. He knows if he does not pull his weight, relapses, anything, it’s over. In fact he didn’t want kids when we first met; I immediately dumped him and he was like “wait what” because he was used to his ex-wife for bent over backwards for him. He spent over a year trying to win me back.

Building my dream life and being happy are more important to me than being with him, so he knows if he can’t contribute to that, I’m out. I make my own money and I can handle raising our kids on my own just fine. His ex-wife spent WAY too much time trying to convince him to get a better job, to not drink, they even tried having an open relationship at one point to see if that would help. That was her mistake, with men, you can’t cater to them. They’re either on board or they’re immediately gone.

On the flip side, I know he and his ex wife have a bond we won’t. They had a LOT in common and there’s certain things they shared that H and I don’t. Example, H has expressed that he misses having the shared experiences they had, like going to music festivals, reading the same books and talking about it, etc. I will never go to a music festival and I find Cormac McCarthy extremely boring and dumb.

And yea, I know it’s completely possible he can leave me and start over. That’s why it’s so important for women to have their own money and pursue their happiness first, above making a man happy. If he left me and the kids tomorrow, we’d be totally fine and I’d be out dating again within a few weeks.

This is not the flex you think it is.

I think it is a good post and that the PP makes a really valid point. Well, absent the Cormac McCarthy is "dumb" thing.

I guess? I mean, I can’t imagine having children with someone I’d be over in a couple weeks, but it sounds like it works for them.

PP. It's not so much "would get over in a couple weeks". Like if H died, I would be devastated and grief for a very long time.

It's more that, I'm not gonna waste emotion on someone who decides to see if the grass is greener elsewhere.

But most people would be upset for more than a couple weeks if the father of their children left. Seems like you know you can’t ever really relax, trust, or be vulnerable with your own husband. It strikes me that there is a huge difference between making sure you are financially and emotionally independent and not really trusting your husband’s character. As another poster said, this isn’t the flex you think it is.

Not supposed to be a flex. I just don’t see any point in getting worked up over men who behave that way. You can’t control someone else’s behavior, and no matter how good of a job you think you do picking the right guy or being the right kind of wife, it’s ultimately out of your hands if a man leaves or cheats. So focus on building the life you want, and if a man wants to be a part of that, great. If not, no worries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what Op, this is my DH. He SUCKED in a major way in his previous marriage and I do not blame her for getting out, not for one second. In this marriage he is the PERFECT man, father, husband, partner, whatever you want to call it, he seriously grew up and did a complete change from his first marriage. We run into his ex often (live in the same area and work in the same industry) and she freely admits to me how jealous she is of what we've got, btw, she's great and has moved on to a slightly older partner and seems happy. But, do you ever get over your first love? No easy answer to that but I wish you luck.

did he cheat repeatedly on his first wife?

[Anonymous]

Do you depend on him for money?

If not leave and have a baby without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I’m the 25yo in that situation and I’ll tell you the reality (that being said I’m in my 30s, but still significantly younger than H’s ex wife. H isn’t narcissistic but has been extremely immature and had addiction problems).

The only reason it has worked out with H and I is that I have zero tolerance for any BS from him. He knows if he does not pull his weight, relapses, anything, it’s over. In fact he didn’t want kids when we first met; I immediately dumped him and he was like “wait what” because he was used to his ex-wife for bent over backwards for him. He spent over a year trying to win me back.

Building my dream life and being happy are more important to me than being with him, so he knows if he can’t contribute to that, I’m out. I make my own money and I can handle raising our kids on my own just fine. His ex-wife spent WAY too much time trying to convince him to get a better job, to not drink, they even tried having an open relationship at one point to see if that would help. That was her mistake, with men, you can’t cater to them. They’re either on board or they’re immediately gone.

On the flip side, I know he and his ex wife have a bond we won’t. They had a LOT in common and there’s certain things they shared that H and I don’t. Example, H has expressed that he misses having the shared experiences they had, like going to music festivals, reading the same books and talking about it, etc. I will never go to a music festival and I find Cormac McCarthy extremely boring and dumb.

And yea, I know it’s completely possible he can leave me and start over. That’s why it’s so important for women to have their own money and pursue their happiness first, above making a man happy. If he left me and the kids tomorrow, we’d be totally fine and I’d be out dating again within a few weeks.

fascinating! you sound very self-assured but that makes me wonder why you ended up with an immature/alcoholic man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what Op, this is my DH. He SUCKED in a major way in his previous marriage and I do not blame her for getting out, not for one second. In this marriage he is the PERFECT man, father, husband, partner, whatever you want to call it, he seriously grew up and did a complete change from his first marriage. We run into his ex often (live in the same area and work in the same industry) and she freely admits to me how jealous she is of what we've got, btw, she's great and has moved on to a slightly older partner and seems happy. But, do you ever get over your first love? No easy answer to that but I wish you luck.

did he cheat repeatedly on his first wife?

Nope, just an unavailable immature jerk. I think sometimes that can be worse than an affair though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a toxic marriage where my husband has habitually cheated on me along with strategic doses of gaslighting and DARVO to keep me confused and manipulating my deep feelings for him. We never had kids as he stalled and hemmed and hawed. Now I am at the end of my fertility but clinging on...why? The gut wrenching idea that he will turn around and build the family I so wanted with some 25 year old girl after denying it to me for years!

I will probably not survive that...

I am 47 and divorced. I seriously doubt a 25 years old woman will fall for an old man like me. I don't know how old your soon to be ex husband is but don't be insecure about 25 years old women falling for him. It's unlikely to happen. This forum is full of men and women my age bragging about some hot 20-something giving them attentions. It's weird and both men and women here do it.

You will be okay.

[Anonymous]

Damn OP you need to stop blaming him and move on. You want to have a baby make it happen.

Don’t think about his future. Think about your future.

Having a baby without him is better if he’s such a scum bag. Things only get harder when kids are added to a not great relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I’m the 25yo in that situation and I’ll tell you the reality (that being said I’m in my 30s, but still significantly younger than H’s ex wife. H isn’t narcissistic but has been extremely immature and had addiction problems).

The only reason it has worked out with H and I is that I have zero tolerance for any BS from him. He knows if he does not pull his weight, relapses, anything, it’s over. In fact he didn’t want kids when we first met; I immediately dumped him and he was like “wait what” because he was used to his ex-wife for bent over backwards for him. He spent over a year trying to win me back.

Building my dream life and being happy are more important to me than being with him, so he knows if he can’t contribute to that, I’m out. I make my own money and I can handle raising our kids on my own just fine. His ex-wife spent WAY too much time trying to convince him to get a better job, to not drink, they even tried having an open relationship at one point to see if that would help. That was her mistake, with men, you can’t cater to them. They’re either on board or they’re immediately gone.

On the flip side, I know he and his ex wife have a bond we won’t. They had a LOT in common and there’s certain things they shared that H and I don’t. Example, H has expressed that he misses having the shared experiences they had, like going to music festivals, reading the same books and talking about it, etc. I will never go to a music festival and I find Cormac McCarthy extremely boring and dumb.

And yea, I know it’s completely possible he can leave me and start over. That’s why it’s so important for women to have their own money and pursue their happiness first, above making a man happy. If he left me and the kids tomorrow, we’d be totally fine and I’d be out dating again within a few weeks.

I could have written this post, minus the drinking. DH is a doting father to our young kids, helpful around the house, and, overall, a good husband. I've always had some power in the relationship for two reasons: (1) he thinks I'm out of his league because of our age difference, and (2) he is adamant that he can't fail again with a second divorce. But, as PP noted, there is a big flip side to our happiness - I'll never entirely trust him, given how his first marriage ended, so I've never allowed myself to depend on him. I make my own money. I save a lot of my paycheck into a 401k and our kids' 529 plans and elsewhere, almost expecting that someday this will all fall apart, and I need to prepare for the inevitable. It feels too good to be true, partly because there is a seed of doubt that will never go away due to his failed first marriage.

I hear this form women over and over and over. On one hand I am super independent I have it all I won't take no BS I have my own money my great job my gat bank account......and yet they are not alone
As much as they scream on the top of their lungs they don't need a man they do.