Hung up on the idea that toxic STBX husband will be the perfect husband for some 25 year old girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I’m the 25yo in that situation and I’ll tell you the reality (that being said I’m in my 30s, but still significantly younger than H’s ex wife. H isn’t narcissistic but has been extremely immature and had addiction problems).

The only reason it has worked out with H and I is that I have zero tolerance for any BS from him. He knows if he does not pull his weight, relapses, anything, it’s over. In fact he didn’t want kids when we first met; I immediately dumped him and he was like “wait what” because he was used to his ex-wife for bent over backwards for him. He spent over a year trying to win me back.

Building my dream life and being happy are more important to me than being with him, so he knows if he can’t contribute to that, I’m out. I make my own money and I can handle raising our kids on my own just fine. His ex-wife spent WAY too much time trying to convince him to get a better job, to not drink, they even tried having an open relationship at one point to see if that would help. That was her mistake, with men, you can’t cater to them. They’re either on board or they’re immediately gone.

On the flip side, I know he and his ex wife have a bond we won’t. They had a LOT in common and there’s certain things they shared that H and I don’t. Example, H has expressed that he misses having the shared experiences they had, like going to music festivals, reading the same books and talking about it, etc. I will never go to a music festival and I find Cormac McCarthy extremely boring and dumb.

And yea, I know it’s completely possible he can leave me and start over. That’s why it’s so important for women to have their own money and pursue their happiness first, above making a man happy. If he left me and the kids tomorrow, we’d be totally fine and I’d be out dating again within a few weeks.

I could have written this post, minus the drinking. DH is a doting father to our young kids, helpful around the house, and, overall, a good husband. I've always had some power in the relationship for two reasons: (1) he thinks I'm out of his league because of our age difference, and (2) he is adamant that he can't fail again with a second divorce. But, as PP noted, there is a big flip side to our happiness - I'll never entirely trust him, given how his first marriage ended, so I've never allowed myself to depend on him. I make my own money. I save a lot of my paycheck into a 401k and our kids' 529 plans and elsewhere, almost expecting that someday this will all fall apart, and I need to prepare for the inevitable. It feels too good to be true, partly because there is a seed of doubt that will never go away due to his failed first marriage.

I hear this form women over and over and over. On one hand I am super independent I have it all I won't take no BS I have my own money my great job my gat bank account......and yet they are not alone
As much as they scream on the top of their lungs they don't need a man they do.

I've been alone plenty in my life.

I don't need a man but that doesn't mean I don't like having one around.

Relationships are supposed to make your life better. If someone isn't making your life better, then it's time to cut them loose.

[Anonymous]

What makes you think someone younger would work out better is it because it's not him it's you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you?

Time to either get pregnant or get divorced and try to find someone else. If you’re close to 40, you don’t have time to navel gaze over this. He has lots of time. Life is not fair.

Get pregnant with this toxic person?

What a dangerous and stupid comment.

[Anonymous]

Sharing a child with a manipulator will be a basket of woes for you and the child.

Escape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a toxic marriage where my husband has habitually cheated on me along with strategic doses of gaslighting and DARVO to keep me confused and manipulating my deep feelings for him. We never had kids as he stalled and hemmed and hawed. Now I am at the end of my fertility but clinging on...why? The gut wrenching idea that he will turn around and build the family I so wanted with some 25 year old girl after denying it to me for years!

I will probably not survive that...

You have a kid with this guy you are giving him the power to make the REST of YOUR life miserable. Just don’t do it.
Find a better partner for goodness sake

Worst DCUM reading failure ever, FFS. Hey, PP? OP said this: "We never had kids."

Don't try to contribute until after you actually comprehend an OP's posts.

You are the one who misunderstood pps post. They are saying IF you have a kid with this guy etc. Why would they say "Just don't do it" if they are acknowledging they already have a child together? Maybe don't sh*t on other people on reading comprehension when yours is the one lacking.

FFS, that PP did not type "IF you have a kid." But typed "You have a kid...." Garbage gibbberish. And yes I'm the f'ing post police tonight and I own that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a toxic marriage where my husband has habitually cheated on me along with strategic doses of gaslighting and DARVO to keep me confused and manipulating my deep feelings for him. We never had kids as he stalled and hemmed and hawed. Now I am at the end of my fertility but clinging on...why? The gut wrenching idea that he will turn around and build the family I so wanted with some 25 year old girl after denying it to me for years!

I will probably not survive that...

You have a kid with this guy you are giving him the power to make the REST of YOUR life miserable. Just don’t do it.
Find a better partner for goodness sake

Worst DCUM reading failure ever, FFS. Hey, PP? OP said this: "We never had kids."

Don't try to contribute until after you actually comprehend an OP's posts.

You are the one who misunderstood pps post. They are saying IF you have a kid with this guy etc. Why would they say "Just don't do it" if they are acknowledging they already have a child together? Maybe don't sh*t on other people on reading comprehension when yours is the one lacking.

FFS, that PP did not type "IF you have a kid." But typed "You have a kid...." Garbage gibbberish. And yes I'm the f'ing post police tonight and I own that.

Yikes, doubling down on your mistake? Time to go to bed.

[Anonymous]

op - the thing driving this question in your head is the idea that someone else - younger, prettier, more naive, more trusting, more vulnerable, more optimistic might 'bring out the better side' of your dh. But the idea of a person being their better self due to the nature of their partner is a fantasy. No one ever became a better self BECAUSE of another person. No matter how stunningly hot and amazing (case in point - angelina/ megan fox/ miranda kerr - i could go on). People become better selves because they work on themselves. Sadly, a lot of the 'work on themselves' happens because of an experience with a prior partner, which is what leads to the idea that the new partner is better suited to this person. But it's just that humans live and learn and in an ideal situation they grow as a result of challenges. So yes your dh might improve himself for his next partner due to your separation but he also might not! It's not going to be a case of him having zero growth and zero revelations and someone else just being more 'right'.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is stopping you from divorcing and adopting/smbc the child you want? You can have your own family. Bonus, you don't have to share time with an ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op - the thing driving this question in your head is the idea that someone else - younger, prettier, more naive, more trusting, more vulnerable, more optimistic might 'bring out the better side' of your dh. But the idea of a person being their better self due to the nature of their partner is a fantasy. No one ever became a better self BECAUSE of another person. No matter how stunningly hot and amazing (case in point - angelina/ megan fox/ miranda kerr - i could go on). People become better selves because they work on themselves. Sadly, a lot of the 'work on themselves' happens because of an experience with a prior partner, which is what leads to the idea that the new partner is better suited to this person. But it's just that humans live and learn and in an ideal situation they grow as a result of challenges. So yes your dh might improve himself for his next partner due to your separation but he also might not! It's not going to be a case of him having zero growth and zero revelations and someone else just being more 'right'.

This is the best comment and advice for OP hands down.

[Anonymous]

OP it's the sink cost fallacy. You're like the addicted gambler at a slot machine in Vegas. You're worried if you leave the slot machine the next person wins the jackpot.

The house always wins. It's a rigged game

Get up from the slot machine and leave and don't look back.

If a 25 year old saddles up to the slot machine and wins, it's only because the random numbers aligned. It has nothing to do with the investment you already put the in. The odds are stacked against his new 25 year old honey having a winning game.

He will soon be some other woman's problem and not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it's the sink cost fallacy. You're like the addicted gambler at a slot machine in Vegas. You're worried if you leave the slot machine the next person wins the jackpot.

The house always wins. It's a rigged game

Get up from the slot machine and leave and don't look back.

If a 25 year old saddles up to the slot machine and wins, it's only because the random numbers aligned. It has nothing to do with the investment you already put the in. The odds are stacked against his new 25 year old honey having a winning game.

He will soon be some other woman's problem and not yours.

Haha exactly! I invested 18 years of my life with exH and got 50% of assets and half of his pension in device. The next GF /wife will get bread crumbs from that. Look at Kevin Custer; Mel Gibson exes: the wife who had the longest marriage always wins in the long run. AND doesn’t get to spend her retirement with aging prick for his money. The young shiny thing bears the weight of elderly care and often is short changed after kids etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it's the sink cost fallacy. You're like the addicted gambler at a slot machine in Vegas. You're worried if you leave the slot machine the next person wins the jackpot.

The house always wins. It's a rigged game

Get up from the slot machine and leave and don't look back.

If a 25 year old saddles up to the slot machine and wins, it's only because the random numbers aligned. It has nothing to do with the investment you already put the in. The odds are stacked against his new 25 year old honey having a winning game.

He will soon be some other woman's problem and not yours.

Haha exactly! I invested 18 years of my life with exH and got 50% of assets and half of his pension in device. The next GF /wife will get bread crumbs from that. Look at Kevin Custer; Mel Gibson exes: the wife who had the longest marriage always wins in the long run. AND doesn’t get to spend her retirement with aging prick for his money. The young shiny thing bears the weight of elderly care and often is short changed after kids etc.

*in divorce, Costner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it's the sink cost fallacy. You're like the addicted gambler at a slot machine in Vegas. You're worried if you leave the slot machine the next person wins the jackpot.

The house always wins. It's a rigged game

Get up from the slot machine and leave and don't look back.

If a 25 year old saddles up to the slot machine and wins, it's only because the random numbers aligned. It has nothing to do with the investment you already put the in. The odds are stacked against his new 25 year old honey having a winning game.

He will soon be some other woman's problem and not yours.

Haha exactly! I invested 18 years of my life with exH and got 50% of assets and half of his pension in device. The next GF /wife will get bread crumbs from that. Look at Kevin Custer; Mel Gibson exes: the wife who had the longest marriage always wins in the long run. AND doesn’t get to spend her retirement with aging prick for his money. The young shiny thing bears the weight of elderly care and often is short changed after kids etc.

*in divorce, Costner

K.C. was just horrible. He tried to keep all assets in his name, they didn't even own a home together. He kept running to the media releasing horrible stories about her. In a community state regardless of a prenup she did quite well. So well, it was sealed and he finally shut his yapper. Many assets you cannot prenup away like retirement.

[Anonymous]

Just don't ever remarry or you lose his pension and retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just don't ever remarry or you lose his pension and retirement.

I already took his pension as a lump sum so no problem with remarrying not that I want to !