Hung up on the idea that toxic STBX husband will be the perfect husband for some 25 year old girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what Op, this is my DH. He SUCKED in a major way in his previous marriage and I do not blame her for getting out, not for one second. In this marriage he is the PERFECT man, father, husband, partner, whatever you want to call it, he seriously grew up and did a complete change from his first marriage. We run into his ex often (live in the same area and work in the same industry) and she freely admits to me how jealous she is of what we've got, btw, she's great and has moved on to a slightly older partner and seems happy. But, do you ever get over your first love? No easy answer to that but I wish you luck.

Try to stay married for longer than 10 years and see how “perfect” he will stay. Cheaters repeat the same cycle in next relationships. My exH cheated on 1st wife. They divorced, he married me in 2 years. We were married for 18 years and he cheated on me the last 5 years of marriage with a colleague. Guess what? We divorced and he now dates… a new woman! Less than 1 years after breaking up with AP. I wouldn’t be surprised if he cheated on both AP and me, and was sleeping with multiple women. My exH was also perfect (tried hard) for the first 12 years of our marriage (second for him). I was 12 years younger so no, it was not the lack of sex that drove us apart.

I’m now in a LTR with a man only 4 years older than me and it’s totally different. No regrets for divorce I know my exH will repeat over and over, and the only thing that can stop is would be his advanced age.

[Anonymous]

Op this is the most f’d up thing I’ve read on dcum. You would sacrifice your life’s happiness because he might move on? What in your childhood turned you into such a bitter, clingy, helpless victim? Were you abused? I truly cannot understand your thinking here, it’s like a villain backstory. Crazy. Don’t throw away your life over revenge or jealousy. You could be pregnant next month using donor sperm! Leave this guy and seize the life you want and you won’t even waste a minute thinking about him you’ll be so busy living your actual life.

[Anonymous]

So, I’m the 25yo in that situation and I’ll tell you the reality (that being said I’m in my 30s, but still significantly younger than H’s ex wife. H isn’t narcissistic but has been extremely immature and had addiction problems).

The only reason it has worked out with H and I is that I have zero tolerance for any BS from him. He knows if he does not pull his weight, relapses, anything, it’s over. In fact he didn’t want kids when we first met; I immediately dumped him and he was like “wait what” because he was used to his ex-wife for bent over backwards for him. He spent over a year trying to win me back.

Building my dream life and being happy are more important to me than being with him, so he knows if he can’t contribute to that, I’m out. I make my own money and I can handle raising our kids on my own just fine. His ex-wife spent WAY too much time trying to convince him to get a better job, to not drink, they even tried having an open relationship at one point to see if that would help. That was her mistake, with men, you can’t cater to them. They’re either on board or they’re immediately gone.

On the flip side, I know he and his ex wife have a bond we won’t. They had a LOT in common and there’s certain things they shared that H and I don’t. Example, H has expressed that he misses having the shared experiences they had, like going to music festivals, reading the same books and talking about it, etc. I will never go to a music festival and I find Cormac McCarthy extremely boring and dumb.

And yea, I know it’s completely possible he can leave me and start over. That’s why it’s so important for women to have their own money and pursue their happiness first, above making a man happy. If he left me and the kids tomorrow, we’d be totally fine and I’d be out dating again within a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

You've allowed him to waste your years. I can only advise to get out immediately and find someone to have a family with. Too many women stay with losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I’m the 25yo in that situation and I’ll tell you the reality (that being said I’m in my 30s, but still significantly younger than H’s ex wife. H isn’t narcissistic but has been extremely immature and had addiction problems).

The only reason it has worked out with H and I is that I have zero tolerance for any BS from him. He knows if he does not pull his weight, relapses, anything, it’s over. In fact he didn’t want kids when we first met; I immediately dumped him and he was like “wait what” because he was used to his ex-wife for bent over backwards for him. He spent over a year trying to win me back.

Building my dream life and being happy are more important to me than being with him, so he knows if he can’t contribute to that, I’m out. I make my own money and I can handle raising our kids on my own just fine. His ex-wife spent WAY too much time trying to convince him to get a better job, to not drink, they even tried having an open relationship at one point to see if that would help. That was her mistake, with men, you can’t cater to them. They’re either on board or they’re immediately gone.

On the flip side, I know he and his ex wife have a bond we won’t. They had a LOT in common and there’s certain things they shared that H and I don’t. Example, H has expressed that he misses having the shared experiences they had, like going to music festivals, reading the same books and talking about it, etc. I will never go to a music festival and I find Cormac McCarthy extremely boring and dumb.

And yea, I know it’s completely possible he can leave me and start over. That’s why it’s so important for women to have their own money and pursue their happiness first, above making a man happy. If he left me and the kids tomorrow, we’d be totally fine and I’d be out dating again within a few weeks.

Just the comment about the ex wife is disturbing. This was never a good marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a toxic marriage where my husband has habitually cheated on me along with strategic doses of gaslighting and DARVO to keep me confused and manipulating my deep feelings for him. We never had kids as he stalled and hemmed and hawed. Now I am at the end of my fertility but clinging on...why? The gut wrenching idea that he will turn around and build the family I so wanted with some 25 year old girl after denying it to me for years!

I will probably not survive that...

You have a kid with this guy you are giving him the power to make the REST of YOUR life miserable. Just don’t do it.
Find a better partner for goodness sake

Worst DCUM reading failure ever, FFS. Hey, PP? OP said this: "We never had kids."

Don't try to contribute until after you actually comprehend an OP's posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I’m the 25yo in that situation and I’ll tell you the reality (that being said I’m in my 30s, but still significantly younger than H’s ex wife. H isn’t narcissistic but has been extremely immature and had addiction problems).

The only reason it has worked out with H and I is that I have zero tolerance for any BS from him. He knows if he does not pull his weight, relapses, anything, it’s over. In fact he didn’t want kids when we first met; I immediately dumped him and he was like “wait what” because he was used to his ex-wife for bent over backwards for him. He spent over a year trying to win me back.

Building my dream life and being happy are more important to me than being with him, so he knows if he can’t contribute to that, I’m out. I make my own money and I can handle raising our kids on my own just fine. His ex-wife spent WAY too much time trying to convince him to get a better job, to not drink, they even tried having an open relationship at one point to see if that would help. That was her mistake, with men, you can’t cater to them. They’re either on board or they’re immediately gone.

On the flip side, I know he and his ex wife have a bond we won’t. They had a LOT in common and there’s certain things they shared that H and I don’t. Example, H has expressed that he misses having the shared experiences they had, like going to music festivals, reading the same books and talking about it, etc. I will never go to a music festival and I find Cormac McCarthy extremely boring and dumb.

And yea, I know it’s completely possible he can leave me and start over. That’s why it’s so important for women to have their own money and pursue their happiness first, above making a man happy. If he left me and the kids tomorrow, we’d be totally fine and I’d be out dating again within a few weeks.

This is not the flex you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a toxic marriage where my husband has habitually cheated on me along with strategic doses of gaslighting and DARVO to keep me confused and manipulating my deep feelings for him. We never had kids as he stalled and hemmed and hawed. Now I am at the end of my fertility but clinging on...why? The gut wrenching idea that he will turn around and build the family I so wanted with some 25 year old girl after denying it to me for years!

I will probably not survive that...

You have a kid with this guy you are giving him the power to make the REST of YOUR life miserable. Just don’t do it.
Find a better partner for goodness sake

Worst DCUM reading failure ever, FFS. Hey, PP? OP said this: "We never had kids."

Don't try to contribute until after you actually comprehend an OP's posts.

You are the one who misunderstood pps post. They are saying IF you have a kid with this guy etc. Why would they say "Just don't do it" if they are acknowledging they already have a child together? Maybe don't sh*t on other people on reading comprehension when yours is the one lacking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a toxic marriage where my husband has habitually cheated on me along with strategic doses of gaslighting and DARVO to keep me confused and manipulating my deep feelings for him. We never had kids as he stalled and hemmed and hawed. Now I am at the end of my fertility but clinging on...why? The gut wrenching idea that he will turn around and build the family I so wanted with some 25 year old girl after denying it to me for years!

I will probably not survive that...

You have a kid with this guy you are giving him the power to make the REST of YOUR life miserable. Just don’t do it.
Find a better partner for goodness sake

Worst DCUM reading failure ever, FFS. Hey, PP? OP said this: "We never had kids."

Don't try to contribute until after you actually comprehend an OP's posts.

Future tense - ie have a kid in the FUTURE

Who nominated you to be the post police anyway???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I’m the 25yo in that situation and I’ll tell you the reality (that being said I’m in my 30s, but still significantly younger than H’s ex wife. H isn’t narcissistic but has been extremely immature and had addiction problems).

The only reason it has worked out with H and I is that I have zero tolerance for any BS from him. He knows if he does not pull his weight, relapses, anything, it’s over. In fact he didn’t want kids when we first met; I immediately dumped him and he was like “wait what” because he was used to his ex-wife for bent over backwards for him. He spent over a year trying to win me back.

Building my dream life and being happy are more important to me than being with him, so he knows if he can’t contribute to that, I’m out. I make my own money and I can handle raising our kids on my own just fine. His ex-wife spent WAY too much time trying to convince him to get a better job, to not drink, they even tried having an open relationship at one point to see if that would help. That was her mistake, with men, you can’t cater to them. They’re either on board or they’re immediately gone.

On the flip side, I know he and his ex wife have a bond we won’t. They had a LOT in common and there’s certain things they shared that H and I don’t. Example, H has expressed that he misses having the shared experiences they had, like going to music festivals, reading the same books and talking about it, etc. I will never go to a music festival and I find Cormac McCarthy extremely boring and dumb.

And yea, I know it’s completely possible he can leave me and start over. That’s why it’s so important for women to have their own money and pursue their happiness first, above making a man happy. If he left me and the kids tomorrow, we’d be totally fine and I’d be out dating again within a few weeks.

I could have written this post, minus the drinking. DH is a doting father to our young kids, helpful around the house, and, overall, a good husband. I've always had some power in the relationship for two reasons: (1) he thinks I'm out of his league because of our age difference, and (2) he is adamant that he can't fail again with a second divorce. But, as PP noted, there is a big flip side to our happiness - I'll never entirely trust him, given how his first marriage ended, so I've never allowed myself to depend on him. I make my own money. I save a lot of my paycheck into a 401k and our kids' 529 plans and elsewhere, almost expecting that someday this will all fall apart, and I need to prepare for the inevitable. It feels too good to be true, partly because there is a seed of doubt that will never go away due to his failed first marriage.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you have finally taken some steps to leave after having gone on about this situation for years.

However you do hold some responsibility here you chose to stay year after year knowing things would not change.

ANd so what if he does go on to be some geat husband.

He's never going to be that with you.

Ever.
He doesn't want to.
He has never wanted you and he's too much of a coward to have let you go years ago.

Your best years are ahead if you allow it.

Stop the pity party. Take responsibility for yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what Op, this is my DH. He SUCKED in a major way in his previous marriage and I do not blame her for getting out, not for one second. In this marriage he is the PERFECT man, father, husband, partner, whatever you want to call it, he seriously grew up and did a complete change from his first marriage. We run into his ex often (live in the same area and work in the same industry) and she freely admits to me how jealous she is of what we've got, btw, she's great and has moved on to a slightly older partner and seems happy. But, do you ever get over your first love? No easy answer to that but I wish you luck.

To quote Gladiator, she will get her vengeance, in this life or the next.

Also PP, you sound incredibly smug and are clearly looking to rub salt in OP’s wounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what Op, this is my DH. He SUCKED in a major way in his previous marriage and I do not blame her for getting out, not for one second. In this marriage he is the PERFECT man, father, husband, partner, whatever you want to call it, he seriously grew up and did a complete change from his first marriage. We run into his ex often (live in the same area and work in the same industry) and she freely admits to me how jealous she is of what we've got, btw, she's great and has moved on to a slightly older partner and seems happy. But, do you ever get over your first love? No easy answer to that but I wish you luck.

To quote Gladiator, she will get her vengeance, in this life or the next.

Also PP, you sound incredibly smug and are clearly looking to rub salt in OP’s wounds.

That's what I was thinking of this PP and the other one gloating about a similar scenario. Really unkind. No wonder they were a good match for these men of poor character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a toxic marriage where my husband has habitually cheated on me along with strategic doses of gaslighting and DARVO to keep me confused and manipulating my deep feelings for him. We never had kids as he stalled and hemmed and hawed. Now I am at the end of my fertility but clinging on...why? The gut wrenching idea that he will turn around and build the family I so wanted with some 25 year old girl after denying it to me for years!

I will probably not survive that...

Yes, you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I’m the 25yo in that situation and I’ll tell you the reality (that being said I’m in my 30s, but still significantly younger than H’s ex wife. H isn’t narcissistic but has been extremely immature and had addiction problems).

The only reason it has worked out with H and I is that I have zero tolerance for any BS from him. He knows if he does not pull his weight, relapses, anything, it’s over. In fact he didn’t want kids when we first met; I immediately dumped him and he was like “wait what” because he was used to his ex-wife for bent over backwards for him. He spent over a year trying to win me back.

Building my dream life and being happy are more important to me than being with him, so he knows if he can’t contribute to that, I’m out. I make my own money and I can handle raising our kids on my own just fine. His ex-wife spent WAY too much time trying to convince him to get a better job, to not drink, they even tried having an open relationship at one point to see if that would help. That was her mistake, with men, you can’t cater to them. They’re either on board or they’re immediately gone.

On the flip side, I know he and his ex wife have a bond we won’t. They had a LOT in common and there’s certain things they shared that H and I don’t. Example, H has expressed that he misses having the shared experiences they had, like going to music festivals, reading the same books and talking about it, etc. I will never go to a music festival and I find Cormac McCarthy extremely boring and dumb.

And yea, I know it’s completely possible he can leave me and start over. That’s why it’s so important for women to have their own money and pursue their happiness first, above making a man happy. If he left me and the kids tomorrow, we’d be totally fine and I’d be out dating again within a few weeks.

This is not the flex you think it is.

I think it is a good post and that the PP makes a really valid point. Well, absent the Cormac McCarthy is "dumb" thing.