Reply to Hung up on the idea that toxic STBX husband will be the perfect husband for some 25 year old girl

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So, I’m the 25yo in that situation and I’ll tell you the reality (that being said I’m in my 30s, but still significantly younger than H’s ex wife. H isn’t narcissistic but has been extremely immature and had addiction problems).

The only reason it has worked out with H and I is that I have zero tolerance for any BS from him. He knows if he does not pull his weight, relapses, anything, it’s over. In fact he didn’t want kids when we first met; I immediately dumped him and he was like “wait what” because he was used to his ex-wife for bent over backwards for him. He spent over a year trying to win me back.

Building my dream life and being happy are more important to me than being with him, so he knows if he can’t contribute to that, I’m out. I make my own money and I can handle raising our kids on my own just fine. His ex-wife spent WAY too much time trying to convince him to get a better job, to not drink, they even tried having an open relationship at one point to see if that would help. That was her mistake, with men, you can’t cater to them. They’re either on board or they’re immediately gone.

On the flip side, I know he and his ex wife have a bond we won’t. They had a LOT in common and there’s certain things they shared that H and I don’t. Example, H has expressed that he misses having the shared experiences they had, like going to music festivals, reading the same books and talking about it, etc. I will never go to a music festival and I find Cormac McCarthy extremely boring and dumb.

And yea, I know it’s completely possible he can leave me and start over. That’s why it’s so important for women to have their own money and pursue their happiness first, above making a man happy. If he left me and the kids tomorrow, we’d be totally fine and I’d be out dating again within a few weeks.[/quote]

I could have written this post, minus the drinking.  DH is a doting father to our young kids, helpful around the house, and, overall, a good husband.  I've always had some power in the relationship for two reasons: (1) he thinks I'm out of his league because of our age difference, and (2) he is adamant that he can't fail again with a second divorce.  But, as PP noted, there is a big flip side to our happiness - I'll never entirely trust him, given how his first marriage ended, so I've never allowed myself to depend on him.  I make my own money.  I save a lot of my paycheck into a 401k and our kids' 529 plans and elsewhere, almost expecting that someday this will all fall apart, and I need to prepare for the inevitable.  It feels too good to be true, partly because there is a seed of doubt that will never go away due to his failed first marriage.   [/quote]

I hear this form women over and over and over. On one hand I am super independent I have it all I won't take no BS I have my own money my great job my gat bank account......and yet they are not alone
 As much as they scream on the top of their lungs they don't need a man they do. [/quote]

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