Very sad today--home clean out

[Anonymous]

It should not be painful to get rid of your stuff. Try it. It's very freeing. I started to clean out (my kids are teens and we have lots of kids stuff) and it's great to find items that I forgot we had and pass them on. I was in my 20s when I told my parents they had too much stuff and need to get rid of it -- they were about my age/younger. They didn't do anything. It's not derision about the elderly, but a certain type of people who have been like that all along -- nobody accumulated their stuff when they retired, they just add on to it. I'll most definitely not be that person one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom's home is getting cleaned out today. She is in sklled nursing with dementia. She would never undertand what is happening, and when she does, she is just angry. I don't want to say goodbye to the home because I am angry that my parents failed to plan for the future and put a mess on us. It is just really sad.

I went through something similar -- luckily, there were 3 of us - actually 4. I took Mom from the hospital (where she went for a minor illness) to the nursing home, while the other two cleaned out the house. I later joined them. My DS entertained Mom and later when all 3 kids went to see her, she thought she was back in her house.

Both Mom and Dad had deeded the house to us years before, so it was easier, OP. Still , it took a medical emergency to get her -eventually - to the nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Preparing: my parents set an excellent example by moving to a continuing care community (and downsizing) while they still could. But they speak of a window of opportunity when one is old enough and "ready" but young enough to manage the move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of you insist on ill intent for everything? I sincerely doubt most parents are trying to dump on their kids by not preparing as you’d like. Maybe they thought they had time? Or any other numerous explanations?

Life is complicated and messy and doesn’t always go as we’d wish.

The derision towards the elderly on here, and in society generally, is just so gross. That’s gonna be you one day.

That's the point. We all know this and are trying to anticipate this so our kids don't have to go through the same. How do you not understand this? Or are you an old person in cognitive decline? And just generally angry?

It is you who fail to understand that the millennial "ME ME ME!" cancer that has infected your generation has shown the world the greatest concentration of selfishness ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- how would you have had them plan? I'm sorry to push this at a sad time, but how do you say, at a cognitively clear moment, "mom, you're moving out next spring before you can't remember that you need to move out"? And then you would have executed that plan?

Planning includes decluttering, downsizing, maybe moving into a senior apartment, basically simplifying things and getting affairs in order so that adult children are not left with a huge mess to deal with when elderly parents become incapacitated or pass away. If more parents did this while they are still young and with-it enough to do so, it would make a world of difference. But unfortunately, people put it off, thinking they're going to live forever, and insist on staying in their homes until they die, even when they're no longer able to maintain their homes or live safely in them.

"Yeah we'd like you to get rid of all your sh*t so it's more convenient for us when you croak."

A wonderful loving message from grateful children to their elderly parents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the failure to prepare and the idea that they’ll live forever that grinds my gears - that a the expectation that the kids will handle it all.

No - not in the midst of grief when you are already up to your eyeballs in literal paperwork - filing taxes, collecting mail, submitting death certificates, paying bills, managing the estate. Don’t forget planning a funeral/burial/service. All of these things became my part time job.

They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

[Anonymous]

As someone who had to do a clean out in another country (!) after my hoarder mother passed, let me tell you that at least it’s going to be over soon (the cleanup I mean).
My father was just sitting in that hoard and did nothing, nothing for about 6 months until I was able to go there and take the matter into my own hands.
It’s infuriating but at least you are about to have one major thing off your to do list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your anger is totally fair, it's a valid feeling despite the other poster saying it's not...

It is a selfish and obnoxious feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the failure to prepare and the idea that they’ll live forever that grinds my gears - that a the expectation that the kids will handle it all.

No - not in the midst of grief when you are already up to your eyeballs in literal paperwork - filing taxes, collecting mail, submitting death certificates, paying bills, managing the estate. Don’t forget planning a funeral/burial/service. All of these things became my part time job.

They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

PP quoted and this type of person grinds my gears, too. How dare you assume and generalize! Yes, each and every child of elderly parents should absolutely feel compelled to “repay” one’s parents for giving them life. It’s in the Bible, right-honor thy mother and father?

After all, my largely absent, alcoholic father was abusive to me for a lifetime-verbally and physically. My small town, uneducated mother allowed it to continue, never intervening and never divorcing. It’s a small miracle that I was with each parent literally as they died - and more miraculous that I was able to have a relationship with them. That’s another story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

Repayment goes by taking care of your own kids, not cleaning out tons of s* that has been sitting somewhere for 40 years! You should face your s* yourself, or are all the memories so unpleasant you cannot put your hand to them?!

[Anonymous]

Older parents need to get a grip and stop sitting around and waiting for their kids to habdhe their lives. Most rudely barely parented anyway and that’s why they get pissy when we actually try to be present for our kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your anger is totally fair, it's a valid feeling despite the other poster saying it's not...

It is a selfish and obnoxious feeling.

Why because you are being held accountable? Your kids didn’t ask to be born ya know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of you insist on ill intent for everything? I sincerely doubt most parents are trying to dump on their kids by not preparing as you’d like. Maybe they thought they had time? Or any other numerous explanations?

Life is complicated and messy and doesn’t always go as we’d wish.

The derision towards the elderly on here, and in society generally, is just so gross. That’s gonna be you one day.

That's the point. We all know this and are trying to anticipate this so our kids don't have to go through the same. How do you not understand this? Or are you an old person in cognitive decline? And just generally angry?

It is you who fail to understand that the millennial "ME ME ME!" cancer that has infected your generation has shown the world the greatest concentration of selfishness ever.

Nope you should have been making plans instead of watching bob barker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your anger is totally fair, it's a valid feeling despite the other poster saying it's not...

It is a selfish and obnoxious feeling.

Why because you are being held accountable? Your kids didn’t ask to be born ya know

I’m only accountable to myself, idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

Repayment goes by taking care of your own kids, not cleaning out tons of s* that has been sitting somewhere for 40 years! You should face your s* yourself, or are all the memories so unpleasant you cannot put your hand to them?!

Taking care of your own kids does not “repay” your parents for anything. That’s something you did for yourself. I’m going to keep what I want to keep to make my life pleasant and enjoyable, as is my right, even though my kids won’t want much if any of it.

I’ve cleaned out two full sized houses of parental stuff while feeling sad and while having kids under five. It was hard work but so what. I do not wish I could go back in time and scold and hector them like a jerk - “hey you’re gonna die soon, could you please get rid of all your sh*t, thx”. When they were alive I focused on enjoying the remaining time with them not being a selfish d!ck.