Very sad today--home clean out

[Anonymous]

My mom's home is getting cleaned out today. She is in sklled nursing with dementia. She would never undertand what is happening, and when she does, she is just angry. I don't want to say goodbye to the home because I am angry that my parents failed to plan for the future and put a mess on us. It is just really sad.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. Went through this my mother who was just beginning a rapid cognitive decline - packed up and moved her to independent living - sold her house.

So much upheaval and it’s devastatingly emotional for all involved.

I promise you will channel this frustration into motivation to get your house and affairs in order. But in the meantime, get as much support as you can - whether it means a partner who can assist with hauling away and general organizing or just hiring a junk hauler. You can’t do this solo.

[Anonymous]

OP- how would you have had them plan? I'm sorry to push this at a sad time, but how do you say, at a cognitively clear moment, "mom, you're moving out next spring before you can't remember that you need to move out"? And then you would have executed that plan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- how would you have had them plan? I'm sorry to push this at a sad time, but how do you say, at a cognitively clear moment, "mom, you're moving out next spring before you can't remember that you need to move out"? And then you would have executed that plan?

Planning includes decluttering, downsizing, maybe moving into a senior apartment, basically simplifying things and getting affairs in order so that adult children are not left with a huge mess to deal with when elderly parents become incapacitated or pass away. If more parents did this while they are still young and with-it enough to do so, it would make a world of difference. But unfortunately, people put it off, thinking they're going to live forever, and insist on staying in their homes until they die, even when they're no longer able to maintain their homes or live safely in them.

[Anonymous]

PP 14:21. And another thing re: clean out. Once you’ve done this and seen how much work and effort and expense you’ve involved, you’ll want to side eye every person you know who continues to buy/store/stash/hoard.

My late mother was pretty much a minimalist and very organized but it was a monumental effort to get her moved and more so upon her death - had to clean out her independent living apartment that was packed to the rafters.

My ILs will be leaving a cluttered hoard; I’ve already told DH that my involvement will be to arrange for a junk hauler and that I will be physically and emotionally unable to provide hands on help.

[Anonymous]

It’s the failure to prepare and the idea that they’ll live forever that grinds my gears - that a the expectation that the kids will handle it all.

No - not in the midst of grief when you are already up to your eyeballs in literal paperwork - filing taxes, collecting mail, submitting death certificates, paying bills, managing the estate. Don’t forget planning a funeral/burial/service. All of these things became my part time job.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry youre going through this, OP. Who is doing the cleanout? I ask because my in laws cleaned out her mom's house a few years ago and kept finding cash! In books. In pots. In tool chests. There were thousands of dollars stashed around the home.

It inspired the in-laws to do some paring down of their own collections, but just a minimal paring. MIL did say that they do not stash cash around the house, so at least we don't have to deal with that.

[Anonymous]

If it makes you feel any better, there's no way to plan around this. My parents left my childhood home during Covid for independent living. They had the illusion that family would want furniture, rugs, etc. The reality is no one wanted anything. It was all "nice" Stickley, etc. but now outdated. Turns out there is no market for this furniture because the market has been flooded with it, so you're lucky to get a few pennies on the dollar. Same goes for collectibles, books, pianos, etc. A year later, they went to assisted living; same thing happened, 80% of what was left gone for pennies on the dollar. This year, my mom passed, and literally everything else gone. My dad has his original dresser, and the gold / silver jewelry sits in some kids' safes. A few antiques made it to a second home. It's sad, but people don't want stuff. Not only can you not take it with you when you go, but no one wants it who's still alive. Each time, we busted our butts with the cleanout. I don't know what would have made it easier other than them living in a hut in the woods their whole life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- how would you have had them plan? I'm sorry to push this at a sad time, but how do you say, at a cognitively clear moment, "mom, you're moving out next spring before you can't remember that you need to move out"? And then you would have executed that plan?

You plan by not buying so much stuff in your lifetime and by keeping an eye that you don't become a hoarder. This is not something you can solve in 6 months. Just a few generations ago (before boomers) it was normal not to have so much stuff. Maybe you have an older relative and you saw how they lived? Clearing out someone's stuff was literally never a problem before, because people didn't consume more than they needed, they didn't have resources nor opportunity. All the hoarding and storage unit business caused by overconsumption is a recent phenomena, and is very American. It's not something that is "normal" or inherent to us as human beings and most people in the world don't live this way.

[Anonymous]

Op just remember how hard it is for any of us to go through and downsize. It is heart breaking. My mom is going through this and it is so painful to watch. Her hearing is going and it is so bad, this very social woman is now very isolated. She has hearing aids but they don't do much. She is well over 90, still lives independently and drives a little. It is heart breaking to watch. We visited and went through stuff with her. She's sold a lot of her things and has given a ton away. She's an artist and like most artists, hordes things.

My heart breaks for her. So many little items are filled with memories of holidays and friends and now she is facing the fact that there is nothing to look forward to. She has become isolated and it hurts to watch. She doesn't have dementia so she is staring down the end of life directly. There is no joy in presents - she needs to get rid of stuff. She can't host holidays. She has a hard time gardening on her own but she still tries.

I feel so much for her watching her deal with this. She did everything right, is in great health but everything is being taken away from her. It's horrible to watch and to go through.

[Anonymous]

I feel you OP. After my dad passed I had to assist in cleaning out my parents house and moving my mom into an apartment because she could no longer take care of the house. Because neither of my parents maintained their house and it had 40+ years of deferred maintenance it had be sold as-is. I didn’t have the bandwidth to supervise renovations to get a decent price. House in Bethesda in an amazing neighborhood sold for way, way less than it should have. I’m still so sick about it I can’t even look at Bethesda real estate listings because it makes me so sad. And mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it makes you feel any better, there's no way to plan around this. My parents left my childhood home during Covid for independent living. They had the illusion that family would want furniture, rugs, etc. The reality is no one wanted anything. It was all "nice" Stickley, etc. but now outdated. Turns out there is no market for this furniture because the market has been flooded with it, so you're lucky to get a few pennies on the dollar. Same goes for collectibles, books, pianos, etc. A year later, they went to assisted living; same thing happened, 80% of what was left gone for pennies on the dollar. This year, my mom passed, and literally everything else gone. My dad has his original dresser, and the gold / silver jewelry sits in some kids' safes. A few antiques made it to a second home. It's sad, but people don't want stuff. Not only can you not take it with you when you go, but no one wants it who's still alive. Each time, we busted our butts with the cleanout. I don't know what would have made it easier other than them living in a hut in the woods their whole life.

We are in a worse situation. MIL is an antiques dealer. Her house is absolutely brimming with stuff, as well as 3(!) storage units, none of which she will sell because, as you point out, the bottom has dropped out of the market so "no one will pay what it is worth". It will be a grim reckoning...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP 14:21. And another thing re: clean out. Once you’ve done this and seen how much work and effort and expense you’ve involved, you’ll want to side eye every person you know who continues to buy/store/stash/hoard.

My late mother was pretty much a minimalist and very organized but it was a monumental effort to get her moved and more so upon her death - had to clean out her independent living apartment that was packed to the rafters.

My ILs will be leaving a cluttered hoard; I’ve already told DH that my involvement will be to arrange for a junk hauler and that I will be physically and emotionally unable to provide hands on help.

This so much. I had to do the end of life clean out for both of my parents, who lived separately. My father's compound (yes, that's the right word) was so, so much work and the junk hauler was the biggest bill. In my mom's case there was so much stuff but also financial affairs that she had neglected that had to be pieced together. How "stuff" that was once so valued became a burden remains at the forefront of my mind as I manage my own house. As my kids complete various life cycles I am purging. Even the priciest, fanciest items become just "stuff" when your life situation changes and you don't need it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op just remember how hard it is for any of us to go through and downsize. It is heart breaking. My mom is going through this and it is so painful to watch. Her hearing is going and it is so bad, this very social woman is now very isolated. She has hearing aids but they don't do much. She is well over 90, still lives independently and drives a little. It is heart breaking to watch. We visited and went through stuff with her. She's sold a lot of her things and has given a ton away. She's an artist and like most artists, hordes things.

My heart breaks for her. So many little items are filled with memories of holidays and friends and now she is facing the fact that there is nothing to look forward to. She has become isolated and it hurts to watch. She doesn't have dementia so she is staring down the end of life directly. There is no joy in presents - she needs to get rid of stuff. She can't host holidays. She has a hard time gardening on her own but she still tries.

I feel so much for her watching her deal with this. She did everything right, is in great health but everything is being taken away from her. It's horrible to watch and to go through.

You need to see another audiologist because modern hearing aids will absolutely fix your hearing. Dementia and loss of hearing are highly correlated.