Very sad today--home clean out

[Anonymous]

Started with Greatest Generation, then Silent and now Boomers downsizing and dying. There’s an entire sociological study at play and can’t be simplified into some sort of mantra where your children must fall into lockstep and dutifully and joyfully handle all aspects of elderly parental choices.

Saying this as Gen Xer - very generally, our parents were entirely hands off and the polar opposite of helicopter parents - so to suddenly be enmeshed in seemingly intimate decisions, discussions and conversations is odd. This isn’t how we were raised.

In retrospect, I had tremendous anger towards my mother - she got increasingly more entitled in her final years- demanding my time, attention and service to her - even criticizing me that I was “too concerned” (her words) about my own college bound DC and that I worked too much.

My takeaway was - where was this interest in me as a teenager/college student/newlywed? Not there.

[Anonymous]

I'm a boomer who had parents who thought they had totally planned for their future and had a sizeable nest egg and good health too. But no one could have told them how many years and how much it would cost to care for them. They thought they were leaving us millions, but the cost of good care is astronomical. I'm just glad they had the money to pay for it. I could be bitter too, about the time it took to manage the care and I and my sibs had no idea about the responsibility it would be, we don't even speak to each other because of it. But I checked the box and moved on, the wiser for the experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the failure to prepare and the idea that they’ll live forever that grinds my gears - that a the expectation that the kids will handle it all.

No - not in the midst of grief when you are already up to your eyeballs in literal paperwork - filing taxes, collecting mail, submitting death certificates, paying bills, managing the estate. Don’t forget planning a funeral/burial/service. All of these things became my part time job.

They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

I was one of those kids that got to clean up after a shitty alcoholic father who got drunk and pissed in our bedrooms when we were children so arguably I have already done my time. Why would I do it again? I wasn’t parented. Do I still
Owe them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

Repayment goes by taking care of your own kids, not cleaning out tons of s* that has been sitting somewhere for 40 years! You should face your s* yourself, or are all the memories so unpleasant you cannot put your hand to them?!

Taking care of your own kids does not “repay” your parents for anything. That’s something you did for yourself. I’m going to keep what I want to keep to make my life pleasant and enjoyable, as is my right, even though my kids won’t want much if any of it.

I’ve cleaned out two full sized houses of parental stuff while feeling sad and while having kids under five. It was hard work but so what. I do not wish I could go back in time and scold and hector them like a jerk - “hey you’re gonna die soon, could you please get rid of all your sh*t, thx”. When they were alive I focused on enjoying the remaining time with them not being a selfish d!ck.

You can choose to be a martyr. The rest of us are choosing not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of you insist on ill intent for everything? I sincerely doubt most parents are trying to dump on their kids by not preparing as you’d like. Maybe they thought they had time? Or any other numerous explanations?

Life is complicated and messy and doesn’t always go as we’d wish.

The derision towards the elderly on here, and in society generally, is just so gross. That’s gonna be you one day.

That's the point. We all know this and are trying to anticipate this so our kids don't have to go through the same. How do you not understand this? Or are you an old person in cognitive decline? And just generally angry?

It is you who fail to understand that the millennial "ME ME ME!" cancer that has infected your generation has shown the world the greatest concentration of selfishness ever.

Nope you should have been making plans instead of watching bob barker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

Repayment goes by taking care of your own kids, not cleaning out tons of s* that has been sitting somewhere for 40 years! You should face your s* yourself, or are all the memories so unpleasant you cannot put your hand to them?!

Taking care of your own kids does not “repay” your parents for anything. That’s something you did for yourself. I’m going to keep what I want to keep to make my life pleasant and enjoyable, as is my right, even though my kids won’t want much if any of it.

I’ve cleaned out two full sized houses of parental stuff while feeling sad and while having kids under five. It was hard work but so what. I do not wish I could go back in time and scold and hector them like a jerk - “hey you’re gonna die soon, could you please get rid of all your sh*t, thx”. When they were alive I focused on enjoying the remaining time with them not being a selfish d!ck.

You can choose to be a martyr. The rest of us are choosing not to.

lol decluttering your parents house is the farthest thing from martyrdom. Your life must be super soft and sheltered if making some trips to Goodwill is like being burned at the stake or fed to the lions to you.

[Anonymous]

My sister in law's parents cleaned out their mcmansion, downsized, and moved to florida. I envy that she and her sister have nothing like this to worry about. Her parents were responsible. Mine just got testy if you ever brought up long term planning and now they have created a mess that is bad for them, for us, and the grandkids. To paraphrase the PP, hope Pat Sayjack was worth it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the failure to prepare and the idea that they’ll live forever that grinds my gears - that a the expectation that the kids will handle it all.

No - not in the midst of grief when you are already up to your eyeballs in literal paperwork - filing taxes, collecting mail, submitting death certificates, paying bills, managing the estate. Don’t forget planning a funeral/burial/service. All of these things became my part time job.

They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

I was one of those kids that got to clean up after a shitty alcoholic father who got drunk and pissed in our bedrooms when we were children so arguably I have already done my time. Why would I do it again? I wasn’t parented. Do I still
Owe them?

Oh wow your parents weren’t perfect? That’s too bad, my parents were absolutely perfect in every way, that’s the only reason I feel any gratitude to them. Obviously if your parents aren’t perfect then it’s perfectly proper to crap on them in their old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the failure to prepare and the idea that they’ll live forever that grinds my gears - that a the expectation that the kids will handle it all.

No - not in the midst of grief when you are already up to your eyeballs in literal paperwork - filing taxes, collecting mail, submitting death certificates, paying bills, managing the estate. Don’t forget planning a funeral/burial/service. All of these things became my part time job.

They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

I was one of those kids that got to clean up after a shitty alcoholic father who got drunk and pissed in our bedrooms when we were children so arguably I have already done my time. Why would I do it again? I wasn’t parented. Do I still
Owe them?

Oh wow your parents weren’t perfect? That’s too bad, my parents were absolutely perfect in every way, that’s the only reason I feel any gratitude to them. Obviously if your parents aren’t perfect then it’s perfectly proper to crap on them in their old age.

Don't have to be perfect. Do have to have humility with the responsiblity of parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In retrospect, I had tremendous anger towards my mother - she got increasingly more entitled in her final years- demanding my time, attention and service to her - even criticizing me that I was “too concerned” (her words) about my own college bound DC and that I worked too much.

My takeaway was - where was this interest in me as a teenager/college student/newlywed? Not there.

I think it's the same with many GenXs. My mom also doesn't understand why I spend so much time with my kids, go to their sports events and participate in school activities -- because she never did. Now suddenly there is this "but you are my daughter" etc. which comes as news to me since I was never "that daughter" when I was a teen/college student/young adult or even any age adult until now. In fact she didn't even bother to tell me about periods and when I mentioned it as an adult, she said why didn't you just ask your friends. As they say, some people are just takers, so they expect things done for them and then talk about obligations and responsibility (which they lacked both towards their kids and their own parents). These are the people we get to read about here and think how to do things differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- how would you have had them plan? I'm sorry to push this at a sad time, but how do you say, at a cognitively clear moment, "mom, you're moving out next spring before you can't remember that you need to move out"? And then you would have executed that plan?

Planning includes decluttering, downsizing, maybe moving into a senior apartment, basically simplifying things and getting affairs in order so that adult children are not left with a huge mess to deal with when elderly parents become incapacitated or pass away. If more parents did this while they are still young and with-it enough to do so, it would make a world of difference. But unfortunately, people put it off, thinking they're going to live forever, and insist on staying in their homes until they die, even when they're no longer able to maintain their homes or live safely in them.

We are in our sixties and seventies, my husband and I, and we did just this, basically Japanese death planning to spare our children of the task. The exception is we moved into a first floor main living house with two guest rooms/suites not the upper level. We still have the gardening/yard my DH loves to work in and room for our visiting family. We consolidated every single thing to the point that our clothing is seasonally cleaned out when not worn, nothing in the storage area of the garage or attic other than yard tools and all of our paper work is updated on a yearly basis with our accountant/lawyer. I never want to do to my children what both of our parents put us through in their later years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

Repayment goes by taking care of your own kids, not cleaning out tons of s* that has been sitting somewhere for 40 years! You should face your s* yourself, or are all the memories so unpleasant you cannot put your hand to them?!

Taking care of your own kids does not “repay” your parents for anything. That’s something you did for yourself. I’m going to keep what I want to keep to make my life pleasant and enjoyable, as is my right, even though my kids won’t want much if any of it.

I’ve cleaned out two full sized houses of parental stuff while feeling sad and while having kids under five. It was hard work but so what. I do not wish I could go back in time and scold and hector them like a jerk - “hey you’re gonna die soon, could you please get rid of all your sh*t, thx”. When they were alive I focused on enjoying the remaining time with them not being a selfish d!ck.

If it was just a matter of some tirps to goodwill on a weekend, you did not have to declutter much at all. That's a weekend project.

You can choose to be a martyr. The rest of us are choosing not to.

lol decluttering your parents house is the farthest thing from martyrdom. Your life must be super soft and sheltered if making some trips to Goodwill is like being burned at the stake or fed to the lions to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

Repayment goes by taking care of your own kids, not cleaning out tons of s* that has been sitting somewhere for 40 years! You should face your s* yourself, or are all the memories so unpleasant you cannot put your hand to them?!

Taking care of your own kids does not “repay” your parents for anything. That’s something you did for yourself. I’m going to keep what I want to keep to make my life pleasant and enjoyable, as is my right, even though my kids won’t want much if any of it.

I’ve cleaned out two full sized houses of parental stuff while feeling sad and while having kids under five. It was hard work but so what. I do not wish I could go back in time and scold and hector them like a jerk - “hey you’re gonna die soon, could you please get rid of all your sh*t, thx”. When they were alive I focused on enjoying the remaining time with them not being a selfish d!ck.

You can choose to be a martyr. The rest of us are choosing not to.

lol decluttering your parents house is the farthest thing from martyrdom. Your life must be super soft and sheltered if making some trips to Goodwill is like being burned at the stake or fed to the lions to you.

If it was just a matter of some tirps to goodwill on a weekend, you did not have to declutter much at all. That's a weekend project.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. Thank you for sharing what you’re going through. I am in the same place and there is no shame in feeling the way you do. I did not go to my mother’s funeral and I feel no shame or regret. No one but you knows your story. This mother stuff is loaded and I hope you find relief along your way. It’s challenging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- how would you have had them plan? I'm sorry to push this at a sad time, but how do you say, at a cognitively clear moment, "mom, you're moving out next spring before you can't remember that you need to move out"? And then you would have executed that plan?

Planning includes decluttering, downsizing, maybe moving into a senior apartment, basically simplifying things and getting affairs in order so that adult children are not left with a huge mess to deal with when elderly parents become incapacitated or pass away. If more parents did this while they are still young and with-it enough to do so, it would make a world of difference. But unfortunately, people put it off, thinking they're going to live forever, and insist on staying in their homes until they die, even when they're no longer able to maintain their homes or live safely in them.

We are in our sixties and seventies, my husband and I, and we did just this, basically Japanese death planning to spare our children of the task. The exception is we moved into a first floor main living house with two guest rooms/suites not the upper level. We still have the gardening/yard my DH loves to work in and room for our visiting family. We consolidated every single thing to the point that our clothing is seasonally cleaned out when not worn, nothing in the storage area of the garage or attic other than yard tools and all of our paper work is updated on a yearly basis with our accountant/lawyer. I never want to do to my children what both of our parents put us through in their later years.

Right. And applause for you. But there are those of us who are in our 60s, planning for our future AND cleaning up our parents mess.

Let’s show some empathy for the OP.