Very sad today--home clean out

[Anonymous]

Took us several months to clear out the family home. We were not to have any big sales, but get as much money as possible for each item. They had no idea that so much of the stuff was of little to no value. They don't understand and placed great value and emotional weight to the collection of stuff. I went immediately from clearing out their place to purging our own place. Yes within a month I needed to go buy a small item I had donated. Just one.

[Anonymous]

You are angry? That's probably grief about your mother. Most people cannot see into the future, or know what to do even if they knew. Old people don't have the competencies of their youth, they're overwhelmed and cannot plan or execute moves and changes in their situation.

So anger is not warranted. It's likely you'll end up doing the same thing, OP.

And that's fine. I don't mind cleaning up my parents' house. It's part of the job of being their kid. My parents are not hoarders at all, but they still have a lot of stuff. My husband IS a hoarder. He's difficult enough in his prime, he'll be impossible as a old man. I'm going into assisted living and away from his mess. My kids will have to burn down the house

[Anonymous]

PP side -eyer with hoarder ILs. My FIL just bought another used car, upping their total to 4. Absolutely ridiculous- he’s 79 and the sole driver now as MIL has dementia.

No one can tell him a contrary opinion-no advice needed, thanks. So now when we visit we have to park on the street and walk as they fill up their driveway and also park on the street.

[Anonymous]

We went through this with my grandparents and great uncle (widower, no children). We will go through it again with my parents and my ILs. It is fine. Circle of life. They love their homes and have many happy memories assigned to their ‘stuff’.

Both have downsized to a smaller home already. I don’t care if they do anything else. They are wonderful parents/Grandparents/ILs. It is painful to get rid of all your stuff. I don’t see it as a hardship to clear things out when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Why do some of you insist on ill intent for everything? I sincerely doubt most parents are trying to dump on their kids by not preparing as you’d like. Maybe they thought they had time? Or any other numerous explanations?

Life is complicated and messy and doesn’t always go as we’d wish.

The derision towards the elderly on here, and in society generally, is just so gross. That’s gonna be you one day.

[Anonymous]

Your anger is totally fair, it's a valid feeling despite the other poster saying it's not...

There are some amazing downsizing estate sale companies we found one after my parents died that helped us tremendously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP side -eyer with hoarder ILs. My FIL just bought another used car, upping their total to 4. Absolutely ridiculous- he’s 79 and the sole driver now as MIL has dementia.

No one can tell him a contrary opinion-no advice needed, thanks. So now when we visit we have to park on the street and walk as they fill up their driveway and also park on the street.

Excuse me but my ILs have 8 vehicles post 1960, only one of which is operable. And then there are another (about) 5 pre-war vehicles.
These are just a few of the stuff sitting in their garages. Yes, plural, garageS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your anger is totally fair, it's a valid feeling despite the other poster saying it's not...

There are some amazing downsizing estate sale companies we found one after my parents died that helped us tremendously.

It's a valid feeling, sure. Prepare for your kids to be angry at you when you move or die. You're a minimalist now, you say? Ha. You'll have just as much stuff when they need to clear it out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP side -eyer with hoarder ILs. My FIL just bought another used car, upping their total to 4. Absolutely ridiculous- he’s 79 and the sole driver now as MIL has dementia.

No one can tell him a contrary opinion-no advice needed, thanks. So now when we visit we have to park on the street and walk as they fill up their driveway and also park on the street.

Excuse me but my ILs have 8 vehicles post 1960, only one of which is operable. And then there are another (about) 5 pre-war vehicles.
These are just a few of the stuff sitting in their garages. Yes, plural, garageS.

This PP and hope you are prepared to find buyers/sell/scrap all of these!

And to the PPs who claim it’s truly a joy to deal with cleaning out your ILs/beloved deceased relatives’ homes: good for you! But try doing this under duress and/or the heavy cloud of grief/your relatives’ grief/cognitive decline/frailties and I’ll thrown in a hard deadline like selling a home/moving combined with your own limited time and patience and…I’d still describe this as grueling.

It was far different for me to pack up my beloved grandparents’ lifelong home just after they died (as a newlywed, no kids, 30) than 25 years later doing same at my childhood home. Worse. Grueling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- how would you have had them plan? I'm sorry to push this at a sad time, but how do you say, at a cognitively clear moment, "mom, you're moving out next spring before you can't remember that you need to move out"? And then you would have executed that plan?

You plan by not buying so much stuff in your lifetime and by keeping an eye that you don't become a hoarder. This is not something you can solve in 6 months. Just a few generations ago (before boomers) it was normal not to have so much stuff. Maybe you have an older relative and you saw how they lived? Clearing out someone's stuff was literally never a problem before, because people didn't consume more than they needed, they didn't have resources nor opportunity. All the hoarding and storage unit business caused by overconsumption is a recent phenomena, and is very American. It's not something that is "normal" or inherent to us as human beings and most people in the world don't live this way.

My friends and I with Silent Gen and Greatest Gen parents went through the same thing. After the Great Depression and post-WW2 deprivation and subsequent prosperity, consumerism was reborn. They accumulated like crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are angry? That's probably grief about your mother. Most people cannot see into the future, or know what to do even if they knew. Old people don't have the competencies of their youth, they're overwhelmed and cannot plan or execute moves and changes in their situation.

So anger is not warranted. It's likely you'll end up doing the same thing, OP.

And that's fine. I don't mind cleaning up my parents' house. It's part of the job of being their kid. My parents are not hoarders at all, but they still have a lot of stuff. My husband IS a hoarder. He's difficult enough in his prime, he'll be impossible as a old man. I'm going into assisted living and away from his mess. My kids will have to burn down the house

Orrrrr OP can just be angry? My parents were horrible at planning and got testy anytime it was raised. Yes it’s hard to think about but don’t raise a family if you can’t plan your life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of you insist on ill intent for everything? I sincerely doubt most parents are trying to dump on their kids by not preparing as you’d like. Maybe they thought they had time? Or any other numerous explanations?

Life is complicated and messy and doesn’t always go as we’d wish.

The derision towards the elderly on here, and in society generally, is just so gross. That’s gonna be you one day.

That's the point. We all know this and are trying to anticipate this so our kids don't have to go through the same. How do you not understand this? Or are you an old person in cognitive decline? And just generally angry?

[Anonymous]

I went through this recently also and agree that it is very difficult and draining in every way. However, my parents honestly believed that people would want to inherit their fine furniture and collectibles, so they kept everything to give to us. It's hard to be mad at them, but I can relate to a lot of what's posted here. Like others, I have done a lot of purging and shredding at my own house since that time, since my DH is a borderline hoarder. I will fo my best to make sure my kids don't have to go through the same thing when I go.

[Anonymous]

And so it goes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of you insist on ill intent for everything? I sincerely doubt most parents are trying to dump on their kids by not preparing as you’d like. Maybe they thought they had time? Or any other numerous explanations?

Life is complicated and messy and doesn’t always go as we’d wish.

The derision towards the elderly on here, and in society generally, is just so gross. That’s gonna be you one day.

That's the point. We all know this and are trying to anticipate this so our kids don't have to go through the same. How do you not understand this? Or are you an old person in cognitive decline? And just generally angry?

Personally I have an exit strategy in place so I'll never go to a home.