Husband making (real) compromises

[Anonymous]

Typically when a woman says a man is unwilling to compromise, they mean the man is unwilling to do every single thing the way the woman wants.

[Anonymous]

Threatening divorce is a di$% move and frankly it’s just a bluff you should call him on it. Go to couples therapy. Any therapist will tell him to knock it off. If he refuses couples therapy I would separate.

[Anonymous]

OP your husband sounds emotionally immature and like there is a bigger issue here. Will he go to counseling ?

You are free to divorce but the reality is that in that case you will still have to agree on all major decisions for your child - the kind of care, where he goes to school, what you will pay for college. *or* you will have to let the court decide for you. Divorce will mean a lot less money for him as well as for you, and asking the courts to decide will mean even less. He seems to just be bullying you right now but you have that leverage.

You should ask for counseling because if you don't divorce you will figure out how to live together and if you do, it will provide you a lot of ammunition and make it clear what you want.

You shuold also see a divorce lawyer and be crystal clear what his leverage his for your situation so you don't let him bully you for years and then realize you were making major decisions that made you unhappy because of empty threats.

Again, this isn't "not compromising" - this is bullying and threats. Not the same. Good luck.

TO be clear, my husband and I discuss and agree on things like schools, where to live and other things. Both of us make what you would call "compromises" perhaps - we both moved here because the sum total of our career happiness was best, even though neither of us got our first choice, for exampel. And when we renovate we do things both of us want -- we are doing our bathroom (his obsession) and my study (waht I care more about) together. but mostly through discussing we realize that we actually want the thigns we agree on - for example, my study will also have a comfy adults-only couch and a sitting chair where we can both relax. When we disagreed on schools we agreed to look at both and in the end agreed on our ultimate option. So if this example helps you please see this is as a possible alternative. We are both incredibly strong willed and opinionated but we communicate and reflect on life being about more than just ourselves and have some affection, even if day to day life with kids grinds it down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there recently was a post on this forum from a woman whose husband always threatened divorce, repeatedly, every time they disagreed. Maybe look that post up here. Repeated threats of divorce are actually considered an abusive tactic, according to mental health and domestic abuse experts. ONE instance of bringing up divorce isn't necessarily a controlling/abusive act, but repeated threats to divorce definitley are controlling (he knows it instills fear in you, and you don't want to divorce, so he'll get his way = controlling you).

I'd absolutely start (1) Putting away money he cannot access and doesn't know about (do not use any bank he also uses, or which you use jointly). You need money he cannot clear out suddenly if he decides to exit. Yes, it can and does happen. (2) Gathering financial and legal documents so you have records of his income, your family finances, etc. You may need them later. (3) Looking into how you can earn, find or otherwise access money he can't touch. (4) Talking to your own therapist. Solo therapy, not couples therapy. If you feel you need to hide it from him, find a way to hide it. I suspect he would be horrible to you if he knows you're talking to an "outsider" about him. (5) Talking to lawyers to see whether it's advisable to divorce sooner, later, financially, etc. That is not the same as me saying "Divorce!" but you need to know if it's doable.

Do not fall for posts here blithely saying he probably won't want any custody, or much, if you divorce. He might decide he does want it, and you have to weigh that. I hate when people on DCUM claim "Oh, he won't want custody, kids are too much work" to posts like yours. One never knows what a spouse might do.

Question: how can you hide an account like this? You presumably do taxes together... so do you just have to open a really crummy account with no benefits/interest?

Hoping a woman who has done this will chime in with her specific advice. I haven't had to do this but it's been advised on DCUM many times over the years--to get an account the spouse cannot touch and preferably doesnt' know exists. The tax question is a good one, definitely. I do know that with joint accounts, one spouse can clear the account out without the other spouse's OK, most of the time, so that's what women looking for an exit want to avoid--finding out they have access to little or no ready money for immediate use.

Anyone out there who can advise?

Yes, no interest needed. The lack of interest is nothing compared to the security it offers you. The point of saving money is not to be broke. This is insurance against being destitute. Money well, well spent.

And, usually filing separately is about the same taxes as filing together for married couples who make similar amounts, in which case you can just do that.

But you should be talking to a lawyer about your situation and this is part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if you make your own money- If i were you i wouldnt file for divorce right off the bat. i'd get a new job and apartment in a new place, quietly and sneakily furnish it and one day just drive there. Live your life, see what his reaction is. If he calls you- just clamly say, you kept on saying i can leave. so i left, we are incompatible. see what happens next.

Children are a LOT of work- he might not want custody. if, as i suspect, he will move his parents in to raise the kid if he opts for custodial time, he'll have even less autonomy than he does now. I know a jerk who left his wife with 4 kids b/c he just wasnt feeling it (in a super conservative Indian family0- said he never wanted an arranged marriage) and she has kids 100%, started working as a teacher, has all the community support and is thriving. Dont be afraid. you dont have to live like this. honestly, living alone is soooo much better than living with an annoying husband.

Talk to at least one lawyer before you do this. It could have serious implications for finances and custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he from a patriarchal culture? This does not sound WASPy.

Actually sounds WASPy. And WASPy is not only patriarchal, misogynestic and racist, but they are also big crybabies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given he changed there must have been something that wasn’t working for him before. So now he is taking a hard line. Somehow he didn’t feel the previous discussions were fruitful in reaching fair compromise so he is no longer willing to engage in something he didn’t think was effective. I don’t know your dynamic or what led to the change but it’s worth going back a bit and seeing what wasn’t working for him and what led to this rigid stance he has now.

I'll try to dig in more - any recs for how I should frame this to not come out as offensive and fend off defensiveness?

For now, he just says he is a different person and he wants to do what he wants and not what I want and he feels really tempted to just have an easy life where he just does only what he wants.

That sounds like he has checked out of the marriage entirely. I think you need to find out if he actually wants to be married or not. I doubt this is the only issue.

Was about to say something similar. I think he wants a divorce but wants you to petition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he's cheating or wants to cheat and is setting this up?

He is definitely cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Threatening divorce is a di$% move and frankly it’s just a bluff you should call him on it. Go to couples therapy. Any therapist will tell him to knock it off. If he refuses couples therapy I would separate.

+1. Repeated threats of divorce to get his way is abusive and controlling. I think you should insist on couples therapy or separate.

[Anonymous]

He clearly doesn't love you, OP.

If he's so quick to want to divorce... what's your financial situation? You don't want to leave with nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he's cheating or wants to cheat and is setting this up?

He is definitely cheating.

He doesn't need to cheat to be a complete arse. My husband has gradually evolved into OP's husband and he's not cheating. He's just overwhelmed and tired and getting more and more uncaring and selfish in his old age. I accommodated that for a long time, but now I need my own life because he's abusing my goodwill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Threatening divorce is a di$% move and frankly it’s just a bluff you should call him on it. Go to couples therapy. Any therapist will tell him to knock it off. If he refuses couples therapy I would separate.

+1. Repeated threats of divorce to get his way is abusive and controlling. I think you should insist on couples therapy or separate.

This. And if you think that your child is in a better position actually seeing/watching how abusive and controlling he is to you - I would suggest that you seek individual counseling asap.

You are allowing someone to take away all your agency - is that really the type of mom you want to show your child? Do you really want to model a relationship that means that you are silently suffering for some martyrdom of motherhood in the same house as this chaos? It's not okay. You staying for your child is an excuse. It's okay to be scared, but don't say it's for the kid. The kid would be better off looking up to someone who stands up for themselves and sharing custody (if he even steps up) is not the hell you think it is compared to your OP post.

[Anonymous]

This is not a partnership, it is a dictatorship.

If he will not participate in marriage counseling/mediation, leave him.

Kids should not see this example labeled a marriage.

[Anonymous]

If your husband is throwing in the idea of separation or divorce into your disagreements then the disagreement is just on the surface at that point.

You + your husband need to both take a long, hard look at the state of your entire marriage.

Either you both agree to see a marriage counselor in order to seriously address this issue or you take the first steps to prepare for a divorce.

Because seriously…..the real issue here goes beyond a simple compromise.

Wishing you both the best in whatever you decide. 👍🏽

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What stops you from opening the bank account and moving money to your child’s account?

What stops you booking a family vacation?

He says you’re incompatible? Ok cool. That’s a nice idea honey you should think about that. Then get on the plane and go on the trip.

Because here’s the thing. If he wants to divorce he’ll do so, whether or not you’ve made yourself miserable and tried to make him a better spouse first. So live your life— keep your kids account funded (and take screenshots, judges won’t like to see him draining a 529) go on the trips you want and be impervious to his comments.

+1