Husband making (real) compromises

[Anonymous]

Stubbornness is a turnoff

[Anonymous]

if you make your own money- If i were you i wouldnt file for divorce right off the bat. i'd get a new job and apartment in a new place, quietly and sneakily furnish it and one day just drive there. Live your life, see what his reaction is. If he calls you- just clamly say, you kept on saying i can leave. so i left, we are incompatible. see what happens next.

Children are a LOT of work- he might not want custody. if, as i suspect, he will move his parents in to raise the kid if he opts for custodial time, he'll have even less autonomy than he does now. I know a jerk who left his wife with 4 kids b/c he just wasnt feeling it (in a super conservative Indian family0- said he never wanted an arranged marriage) and she has kids 100%, started working as a teacher, has all the community support and is thriving. Dont be afraid. you dont have to live like this. honestly, living alone is soooo much better than living with an annoying husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he completely failing before to ask for what he wanted and now he's snapping back totally in the opposite direction?

Hard to say; we were pretty compatible and there were a couple areas where we both make compromises, but it was not a big deal. Since our toddler was born 3 years ago, his personality / views shifted 180 so our values are growing different by the way - mine have stayed stable and 7/10 have shifted dramatically for him. But while I am willing to meet him halfway for a good portion of these shifts, he is really on the side of "my way or the highway".

Now I am mostly willing to give in b/c I would rather do that than give up time with my child in a divorce - but hoping he has a limit? I have absolutely no leverage, he is not even willing to discuss serious topics (think our child's education/major house repairs, budget allocated for vacations, for longer than 5-10 mins if we don't see eye to eye and then gives me the silent treatment on that topic unless I give in; he literally retreats and shuts the door to his room and does not come back say the following morning to discuss, hangs up on me, moves to another room if I try to discuss before bed, he tells me that we should just get a divorce; at that point, I mostly give in b/c of the child).

And for those who will say - that I can't make these compromises all the time, taking them 1 by 1.

Major home expenses - I acquiesce mostly, spending time with my child is more important for me than getting a divorce b/c I did not agree to a $50K renovation. Sure, as a quick thing - I say, if we do that, let's also put in another 2K in our child's savings but disproportionately he "wins".

Education - I do influence here but if I ultimately don't go with his decision, then again, my other option is divorce where I have even less leverage to influence anything

Vacation budget - he spends on multiple vacations for him as much as he wants and wants us to cut down on family vacations or spend very little. Yes, I do manage to squeeze in a family vacation that is cheaper compared to his trips, but my option if I push back on his solo trips is divorce

Where to live - he is willing to compromise on location somewhat as long as he picks the house but every year his preferences change so not sure what next year will bring

Values imparted to child - we were very similar, he changed significantly, he tells me to divorce if I dont like it, but then again the child is even more exposed to his values of which I am not a fan (not getting a debate here on values, maybe he;s right, maybe I'm wrong).

The point is like I feel I have only some limited option to influence things and that requires a continuous stress and emotional toll on me, strategizing continuously, reading up on the best communication techniques, ignoring continued dvorce threats, and even then I maybe get 15% say into a relationship that very much started 50-50.

Um, these aren’t real disagreements they are threats and ultimatums. This is controlling. You are rolling over.

Talk to a lawyer and then demand therapy.

Also: what vacations is he taking on his own? And who is going with him?

[Anonymous]

Is he from a patriarchal culture? This does not sound WASPy.

[Anonymous]

Do you think he's cheating or wants to cheat and is setting this up?

[Anonymous]

What stops you from opening the bank account and moving money to your child’s account?

What stops you booking a family vacation?

He says you’re incompatible? Ok cool. That’s a nice idea honey you should think about that. Then get on the plane and go on the trip.

Because here’s the thing. If he wants to divorce he’ll do so, whether or not you’ve made yourself miserable and tried to make him a better spouse first. So live your life— keep your kids account funded (and take screenshots, judges won’t like to see him draining a 529) go on the trips you want and be impervious to his comments.

[Anonymous]

My husband just said no to everything. Trips, home repairs, even changing a light bulb. I’d have to beg and work so hard to convince him to do anything, and then if he finally agreed, he would take over and make it his way, I.e trip planning he’d say no and then agree but make it all the things he wanted to do without regard for me and the kids. It’s not a way to live with someone, and it took me many years but we are separated.

[Anonymous]

This is going to sound flippant, but it’s sincere advice: you should go to therapy. Not because what he is doing is okay; it’s not. But because you need more actual support than this forum can provide. A therapist can help you set your expectations and boundaries and stick to them.

[Anonymous]

OP, there recently was a post on this forum from a woman whose husband always threatened divorce, repeatedly, every time they disagreed. Maybe look that post up here. Repeated threats of divorce are actually considered an abusive tactic, according to mental health and domestic abuse experts. ONE instance of bringing up divorce isn't necessarily a controlling/abusive act, but repeated threats to divorce definitley are controlling (he knows it instills fear in you, and you don't want to divorce, so he'll get his way = controlling you).

I'd absolutely start (1) Putting away money he cannot access and doesn't know about (do not use any bank he also uses, or which you use jointly). You need money he cannot clear out suddenly if he decides to exit. Yes, it can and does happen. (2) Gathering financial and legal documents so you have records of his income, your family finances, etc. You may need them later. (3) Looking into how you can earn, find or otherwise access money he can't touch. (4) Talking to your own therapist. Solo therapy, not couples therapy. If you feel you need to hide it from him, find a way to hide it. I suspect he would be horrible to you if he knows you're talking to an "outsider" about him. (5) Talking to lawyers to see whether it's advisable to divorce sooner, later, financially, etc. That is not the same as me saying "Divorce!" but you need to know if it's doable.

Do not fall for posts here blithely saying he probably won't want any custody, or much, if you divorce. He might decide he does want it, and you have to weigh that. I hate when people on DCUM claim "Oh, he won't want custody, kids are too much work" to posts like yours. One never knows what a spouse might do.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't value you or your family. I agree with PP that you need to call his bluff and make real plans to leave and follow through.

[Anonymous]

He did bot really want a child OP. In the real way of spending hard earned $ and free time to raise a new good human. Having kids is all about compromise, much more than just having a partner.
I thibk that children of divorced parents have it very difficult but in your case i would seriously consider separation. You wont "give in" enough to a content family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there recently was a post on this forum from a woman whose husband always threatened divorce, repeatedly, every time they disagreed. Maybe look that post up here. Repeated threats of divorce are actually considered an abusive tactic, according to mental health and domestic abuse experts. ONE instance of bringing up divorce isn't necessarily a controlling/abusive act, but repeated threats to divorce definitley are controlling (he knows it instills fear in you, and you don't want to divorce, so he'll get his way = controlling you).

I'd absolutely start (1) Putting away money he cannot access and doesn't know about (do not use any bank he also uses, or which you use jointly). You need money he cannot clear out suddenly if he decides to exit. Yes, it can and does happen. (2) Gathering financial and legal documents so you have records of his income, your family finances, etc. You may need them later. (3) Looking into how you can earn, find or otherwise access money he can't touch. (4) Talking to your own therapist. Solo therapy, not couples therapy. If you feel you need to hide it from him, find a way to hide it. I suspect he would be horrible to you if he knows you're talking to an "outsider" about him. (5) Talking to lawyers to see whether it's advisable to divorce sooner, later, financially, etc. That is not the same as me saying "Divorce!" but you need to know if it's doable.

Do not fall for posts here blithely saying he probably won't want any custody, or much, if you divorce. He might decide he does want it, and you have to weigh that. I hate when people on DCUM claim "Oh, he won't want custody, kids are too much work" to posts like yours. One never knows what a spouse might do.

Question: how can you hide an account like this? You presumably do taxes together... so do you just have to open a really crummy account with no benefits/interest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband just said no to everything. Trips, home repairs, even changing a light bulb. I’d have to beg and work so hard to convince him to do anything, and then if he finally agreed, he would take over and make it his way, I.e trip planning he’d say no and then agree but make it all the things he wanted to do without regard for me and the kids. It’s not a way to live with someone, and it took me many years but we are separated.

DP. Not the OP. I'm sorry you had to deal with that for years. I really wonder, when I read about people like your ex, if they have a form of ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) that is well masked and tolerable, and they put on their "best selves" for courtship, but then the mask slips after marriage. It's so toxic to the other spouse. I'm glad you got out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there recently was a post on this forum from a woman whose husband always threatened divorce, repeatedly, every time they disagreed. Maybe look that post up here. Repeated threats of divorce are actually considered an abusive tactic, according to mental health and domestic abuse experts. ONE instance of bringing up divorce isn't necessarily a controlling/abusive act, but repeated threats to divorce definitley are controlling (he knows it instills fear in you, and you don't want to divorce, so he'll get his way = controlling you).

I'd absolutely start (1) Putting away money he cannot access and doesn't know about (do not use any bank he also uses, or which you use jointly). You need money he cannot clear out suddenly if he decides to exit. Yes, it can and does happen. (2) Gathering financial and legal documents so you have records of his income, your family finances, etc. You may need them later. (3) Looking into how you can earn, find or otherwise access money he can't touch. (4) Talking to your own therapist. Solo therapy, not couples therapy. If you feel you need to hide it from him, find a way to hide it. I suspect he would be horrible to you if he knows you're talking to an "outsider" about him. (5) Talking to lawyers to see whether it's advisable to divorce sooner, later, financially, etc. That is not the same as me saying "Divorce!" but you need to know if it's doable.

Do not fall for posts here blithely saying he probably won't want any custody, or much, if you divorce. He might decide he does want it, and you have to weigh that. I hate when people on DCUM claim "Oh, he won't want custody, kids are too much work" to posts like yours. One never knows what a spouse might do.

Question: how can you hide an account like this? You presumably do taxes together... so do you just have to open a really crummy account with no benefits/interest?

Hoping a woman who has done this will chime in with her specific advice. I haven't had to do this but it's been advised on DCUM many times over the years--to get an account the spouse cannot touch and preferably doesnt' know exists. The tax question is a good one, definitely. I do know that with joint accounts, one spouse can clear the account out without the other spouse's OK, most of the time, so that's what women looking for an exit want to avoid--finding out they have access to little or no ready money for immediate use.

Anyone out there who can advise?

[Anonymous]

If it’s in a checking account that bears little to no interest, it won’t need to report it for taxes.