Reply to Husband making (real) compromises

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, there recently was a post on this forum from a woman whose husband always threatened divorce, repeatedly, every time they disagreed. Maybe look that post up here. Repeated threats of divorce are actually considered an abusive tactic, according to mental health and domestic abuse experts. ONE instance of bringing up divorce isn't necessarily a controlling/abusive act, but repeated threats to divorce definitley are controlling (he knows it instills fear in you, and you don't want to divorce, so he'll get his way = controlling you).

I'd absolutely start [b](1) Putting away money he cannot access and doesn't know about (do not use any bank he also uses, or which you use jointly). [/b]You need money he cannot clear out suddenly if he decides to exit. Yes, it can and does happen. (2) Gathering financial and legal documents so you have records of his income, your family finances, etc. You may need them later. (3) Looking into how you can earn, find or otherwise access money he can't touch. (4) Talking to your own therapist. Solo therapy, not couples therapy. If you feel you need to hide it from him, find a way to hide it. I suspect he would be horrible to you if he knows you're talking to an "outsider" about him. (5) Talking to lawyers to see whether it's advisable to divorce sooner, later, financially, etc. That is not the same as me saying "Divorce!" but you need to know if it's doable.

Do not fall for posts here blithely saying he probably won't want any custody, or much, if you divorce. He might decide he does want it, and you have to weigh that. I hate when people on DCUM claim "Oh, he won't want custody, kids are too much work" to posts like yours. One never knows what a spouse might do. [/quote]
Question: how can you hide an account like this? You presumably do taxes together... so do you just have to open a really crummy account with no benefits/interest? [/quote]

Hoping a woman who has done this will chime in with her specific advice. I haven't had to do this but it's been advised on DCUM many times over the years--to get an account the spouse cannot touch and preferably doesnt' know exists. The tax question is a good one, definitely. I do know that with joint accounts, one spouse can clear the account out without the other spouse's OK, most of the time, so that's what women looking for an exit want to avoid--finding out they have access to little or no ready money for immediate use.

Anyone out there who can advise? [/quote]

Yes, no interest needed.  The lack of interest is nothing compared to the security it offers you.  The point of saving money is not to be broke.  This is insurance against being destitute.  Money well, well spent.

And, usually filing separately is about the same taxes as filing together for married couples who make similar amounts, in which case you can just do that.

But you should be talking to a lawyer about your situation and this is part of it. [/quote]

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