If you divorced due to YOUR affair, what do you tell people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I wanted to hear from the person who cheated - how do they explain things to inquiring friends, family, coworkers, etc?

In my case, I’m not the one who cheated. I get questions from friends & family and it’s out of love and genuine interest, not due to any desire to gossip or be nosy.

I just wanted to hear from the other vantage point- the vantage point of the person who cheated.

Cheaters are natural liars and con artists. I know quite a few divorced men and women who were the cheaters, yet they will tell people the spouse was cheating on them. Smearing the ex spouse is as natural as breathing to these people. My brother in law was a drunk who slapped around his ex wife and to this day he tells people they divorced because she cheated on him.

+100

[Anonymous]

I have a few acquaintances who divorced due to affairs. They both married the AP (and are attractive women, if that matters.) Nobody is rude enough to ask why they divorced but everyone knows.

[Anonymous]

You could use the old Bill Clinton line, just say solemnly and earnestly "I admit to causing pain in my marriage," then pivot to lashing out at someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:lol women who cheated are going to find some way to say it was her XHs fault.

“He was abusive, and failed to meet my emotional needs.” (pause) “My new partner Chad is much more supportive and understanding.”

ROFL. I'm sure that's exactly what my ex said.

[Anonymous]

I met my soulmate

[Anonymous]

I don’t say anything. Nobody has asked. I can’t imagine someone asking me why I divorced. I think it’s obvious that things weren’t going well. The details are personal.

[Anonymous]

I do agree that people don’t ask when things aren’t going well. But when things are going well, at least on the outside, people are genuinely shocked & sometimes ask why.

[Anonymous]

When we first separated, I owned it but didn't make a lot of proactive public declarations. I honestly didn't talk to a lot of people during/about my divorce. I had my mom, a couple close friends, a therapist, and a lawyer. My ex made a variety of public declarations, which was his prerogative. I hope the validation he got from that was helpful for him. Some of our mutual friends confronted me directly about it, and some of those confrontations resulted in real conversations.

I never denied what I did or why I did it - I was unhappy, cowardly, and self-destructive and I didn't love my husband anymore and acted out. It was stupid, and it wasn't the only stupid thing I did, but it WAS a wakeup call that something had to change. By the time I was having any of these conversations with anyone, I'd done a fair amount of changing (e.g., quit drinking entirely, built regular yoga practice, got a different job, other stuff).

That said, this happened in my late 20s and I'm now in my mid-40s. I live in a completely different part of the country and have been married to my second husband for over 10 years. I don't really talk about what happened in my first marriage anymore at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol women who cheated are going to find some way to say it was her XHs fault.

“He was abusive, and failed to meet my emotional needs.” (pause) “My new partner Chad is much more supportive and understanding.”

ROFL. I'm sure that's exactly what my ex said.

I think this is probably true sometimes. And sometimes the person cheated on is so lacking in empathy that he or she can't begin to understand. I'm not saying it was true with your ex. I don't know you or your ex.

I know a couple where this was obviously true. She mocked him constantly and in front of other people. This went on for years until an ex gf showed up and told him he wasn't an unattractive idiot after all. He and the ex gf had an affair. But then something amazing happened. The wife acknowledged her failures in the marriage, he acknowledged his, and they got back together. She doesn't mock him very much anymore and he doesn't cheat, as far as I know. They seem happy together.

[Anonymous]

I will just give my opinion as a man. I have couple of friends who are divorced and as far as I know none of us asked the reasons behind the divorce..We were out together when he told us and we barely talked about it

I guess with women it's different. Are women asked about the reasons? Or do they just voluntarily disclose. Women do love to talk and share with other women so I guess among women may feel comfortable saying they cheated. I don't know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol women who cheated are going to find some way to say it was her XHs fault.

“He was abusive, and failed to meet my emotional needs.” (pause) “My new partner Chad is much more supportive and understanding.”

ROFL. I'm sure that's exactly what my ex said.

I think this is probably true sometimes. And sometimes the person cheated on is so lacking in empathy that he or she can't begin to understand. I'm not saying it was true with your ex. I don't know you or your ex.

I know a couple where this was obviously true. She mocked him constantly and in front of other people. This went on for years until an ex gf showed up and told him he wasn't an unattractive idiot after all. He and the ex gf had an affair. But then something amazing happened. The wife acknowledged her failures in the marriage, he acknowledged his, and they got back together. She doesn't mock him very much anymore and he doesn't cheat, as far as I know. They seem happy together.

He is an idiot. What kind of weak man take back a wife who mocked him repeatedly. He should have kept the AP and focused on his self esteem. So if.i get this right the wife saw that her hubby after all could get another woman and then suddenly she now respects him. Thats some crazy sh**t

[Anonymous]

The truth…

[Anonymous]

My SIL (DH's sister) told everyone it was because her first husband was "demanding." He later told me he was frustrated that she avoided coming home after work and not infrequently was out all hours of the night when they had a toddler.

She was introducing her now-DH to family within weeks of leaving first husband. Doesn't exactly take an advanced degree to figure out what was going on.

[Anonymous]

Women will probably attack me for saying this but when women cheat in 99% of cases they believe it is not their fault. Women ride on the emotional excuse so well and are outstanding narrators with the crying and fake facial expressions that if you listen to women who cheated you will actually feel sympathy for them thata how well they are able to control the narrative to their benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women will probably attack me for saying this but when women cheat in 99% of cases they believe it is not their fault. Women ride on the emotional excuse so well and are outstanding narrators with the crying and fake facial expressions that if you listen to women who cheated you will actually feel sympathy for them thata how well they are able to control the narrative to their benefit.

+1 Manipulative as h@ll. Blameless. It’s always someone else’s fault. They just kept falling on strange c@ck