If you divorced due to YOUR affair, what do you tell people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex says "i wasn't a good husband"

He told his girlfriend he cheated.

He tells some people about his mental health struggles (PTSD), but not a lot. Just really close friends.

It seems like he wants to get it off his chest. That’s fine. He shouldn’t have to explain himself to unrelated spectators.

I agree nobody really asks. They say “oh man sorry” or something similar which he feels sometimes needs a response.

It’s been a hard road I even think “let it go”.

[Anonymous]

I think it's tempting to want honesty and accountability, but being cheated on can feel really embarrassing to the victim and they're entitled to privacy if they want it. Telling people details only leads to them asking even more questions, there's really no benefit to disclosure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's tempting to want honesty and accountability, but being cheated on can feel really embarrassing to the victim and they're entitled to privacy if they want it. Telling people details only leads to them asking even more questions, there's really no benefit to disclosure.

That’s a good point…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you explain or address questions about why you divorced?

I was married for 15 yrs & most ppl thought we were a good Christian couple, a solid family. We divorced because ex cheated. I have had a hard time responding to people who found out about our divorce because they are typically shocked. No one saw this coming.

That made me wonder…. If *you* are the cheater, and that was the cause of dissolution, what do you say, if anything, when asked why you divorced?

This happened to a friend. She cheated (though that was the result, not the symptom. She admits she was an ahole for doing so but there were lots of problems on BOTH sides in the marriage).

She hosted a small party of women at her home and a friend of the Ex's GF (with whom there is no issue-it's as amicable as can be at this point) asked my friend point blank: So what happened with you and ExH?

My friend new the drill of the gossip mill in her town and addressed it head on: "I had an affair. I assume (new GF) told you that and, yes, that's true." That shut it down completely.

[Anonymous]

I’ve dated someone who cheated in his decades long marriage. He told me during an early date. He was a serial philanderer though, like possibly a sex and attention addict, and was in recovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve dated someone who cheated in his decades long marriage. He told me during an early date. He was a serial philanderer though, like possibly a sex and attention addict, and was in recovery.

Whoa. How did you respond? Did you continue the relationship?

[Anonymous]

The truth. If people judge, then they aren't my friends.

[Anonymous]

My MIL tells people that husband’s father was an alcoholic and that is why they divorced. FIL shared awkwardly that he cheated after I married into the family and that was why. They never told their actual sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom says "Our marriage ended" and "we weren't able to get along" and leaves it at that. Those things are literally true, of course.

I don't think you need to give a reason just because people ask for it.

"Irreconcilable differences."

[Anonymous]

Over the years, a few women and men have just come out and said they cheated. One man was talking about how he was very close to his daughter even though he had been a bad husband, and he said his ex wife agreed. One woman was talking about an argument she was having with her daughter and started to cry as she explained that her daughter was made because she (the mom) has cheated. Another woman told me in the context of praising her experience in therapy.

[Anonymous]

The cheater says “I cheated.” The most logical question should then be, “why did you cheat?” I don’t get hiding anything.

[Anonymous]

Women cheaters never tell the truth. They will go as far to elude it was the husband that cheated if necessary.

Also, when they go to the gyn for testing they will say they suspect their spouse--all so they can get tested to show an ap.

Look, cheaters are liars by definition. You expect them to tell you they cheated? Even if they do, they will justify every which way to Sunday and lie and say it was a sexless marriage or the spouse was abusive, etc etc etc.

[Anonymous]

I think people who divorce when they are older are less likely to give any details on the cause of divorce because we've all been through this with friends, and unless the person divorcing is a very close friend, we don't want the details, so we know not to share them if it happens to us.

[Anonymous]

My husbands ex made up all kinds of lies. Just say marital differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I wanted to hear from the person who cheated - how do they explain things to inquiring friends, family, coworkers, etc?

In my case, I’m not the one who cheated. I get questions from friends & family and it’s out of love and genuine interest, not due to any desire to gossip or be nosy.

I just wanted to hear from the other vantage point- the vantage point of the person who cheated.

Cheaters are natural liars and con artists. I know quite a few divorced men and women who were the cheaters, yet they will tell people the spouse was cheating on them. Smearing the ex spouse is as natural as breathing to these people. My brother in law was a drunk who slapped around his ex wife and to this day he tells people they divorced because she cheated on him.