My mother's hoarding is going to break me
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Anonymous
Hot water, dish soap and a bucket will take care of this it pulps everything overnight. |
Anonymous
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All of the advice from people telling you to just start throwing stuff out is terrible—you can’t do this with a hoarder.
Something that got an acquaintance of mine with a hoarding issue to throw some stuff out and get her apartment into (relative?) order was a threatened eviction. If your mother’s building management finds out… there will be real pressure to clean up, and not from you. It’s a safety hazard for the whole community in multiple ways: fire, roaches, rats, etc, so property management companies won’t play around. Do with this information what you will. |
Anonymous
This is EXACTLY my mom. She had a three-story house plus three storage units full of total crap. Paper phone bills from the 1980s; cancelled checks and bank statements from the 1970s; bills and junk mail that should have been thrown away years ago; etc etc etc. The storage units had Ikea-type furniture from a previous house and she'd moved it across the country just to put it in storage. I was like, why are you paying to store this??? When I downsized her house it took me at least two weeks of ten-hour days to get rid of all the crap. Some of it went to Goodwill, most of it in the trash. It was incredibly exhausting. When I was going through it all, I'd find yet one more drawer stuffed with old bills and it made me want to scream. But I reduced a three-story house into a studio-sized amount of furniture and clothes for her to use in assisted living. And that was only part of the problem... there was the other huge time-sink of sorting out her catastrophic financial situation. |
Anonymous
| This sounds like my parents. Their house is still livable, but open any drawer or closet or look under a bed and it's disorganized piles of random ephemera: a cousin's graduation invitation from 1995, random bills, loose photos, perfume samples, clipped coupons, church bulletins, copies of checks my grandparents wrote in the '60s, keychains from the state fair in 1980 etc. Every drawer is a junk drawer. And that is on top of the fact that they have kept every book, lamp, dish, sheet, towel, cassette tape, clock radio, etc they or their parents ever owned. Stuff gets churned and moved around, but never discarded. It's also always dusty. |
Anonymous
This, or ask her to gift you some of her useful stuff. Mom, I have a friend who is almost 65 she could really use the Medicaid guide! In early stages of hoarding, with people who have a caretaker personality it might actually work |
Anonymous
My late mother was a hoarder, and when my brother had to throw some stuff away she became irate. Even the things he didn’t throw away but just moved from one place to another - Or maybe she herself misplaced - It all got blamed on my brother and he became an enemy of the state for a few years. |
Anonymous
This is my elderly neighbor. I always ask her for stuff for my numerous imaginary friends and relatives, it helps her declutter (and she doesn’t have the energy to re-hoard). |
Anonymous
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OP, there's a really great documentary I recommend you watch:
https://beyondhoardingmovie.com As I understand it, hoarders have a mental illness where they become attached to objects just like you might become attached to a pet.. or a person! So say they have hundreds of old coffee cups and you threaten to declutter by taking 25 to a thrift store. That causes great pain, because they are attached to their things as if they are people. It's irrational -- that's why it is a mental illness. It causes them great anguish. It's like you are threatening to take away their children. It's why they can get rid of items but only if they know they are going to "a good home..." where someone will appreciate them. So that's one way to get some space cleared out. If you can lie to them and convince them that someone desperately needs their items... they may be willing to let them go. If you mom isn't too far gone yet, you might be able to set some limits with her. If you are going to be staying in the apartment, you ABSOLUTELY need to have a non-hoarded space to live in. She needs to keep all doors clear of boxes or items to keep a safe path for exit or for emergency rescue people to get in and out. All plumbing fixtures need to be kept free and clear for repairs. You need to be able to exit and enter the bathroom and use the facilities... Things like that. It won't stop her hoarding but at least it can help make the apartment more livable for you. But really she needs treatment. Watch the documentary and see if you can find her competent help. |
Anonymous
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My mother's issue is that by releasing items she feels she is being erased against her will. She sometimes has a hard time seeing that she could live more easily with fewer items.
I find I am the same in some ways. That's why I've started declutterung several times and stumbled over letting go of bits of my life that are over, childrearing, or that are not going to happen, stalled out hobbies. We're scared to slice off pieces of ourselves, and redefine. |
Anonymous
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IDK that she’s actually a hoarder. She’s not acquiring 1000 salt and pepper shakers and having gross food and dead pets squished between layers. Maybe she was overwhelmed with downsizing. My FIL has every paper financial record in his adult life, down to magazine cancellations. For him it is about feeling prepared to dispute something. He also has an enormous house and an abundance of filing cabinets.
OP, how would your mother respond to having some of her paper scanned if she’s not ready to part with it? Or taking pictures for non-paper. I had a great aunt who was very attached to her bric-a-brac, which was really about memories. I packed two boxes and she discovered having pictures was enough. So then we donated those. We kept doing this and she got to the point where there was no waiting period necessary. |
Anonymous
You’re enabling her. |
Anonymous
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My neighbor’s house caught fire. All the hoarded papers went up in flames.
It’s been years and she has not moved back in. I suspect she began hoarding somewhere else. |
Anonymous
Good idea! I was going to burn papers in the fire pit but maybe pulp is the way to go! NP |
Anonymous
You are in a tough situation, as you seem to know. |
Anonymous
The question is, will she let OP throw old car repair receipts out? I get overwhelmed myself, but I'd be THRILLED if someone would step in and help me declutter. There's no rational reason to hang on to 25 year old car repair receipts for a car you no longer even own. If OP's mom won't let her throw out obvious garbage ... she's a hoarder. She might not yet be at the advanced stages. But it's coming. |