My mother's hoarding is going to break me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor’s house caught fire. All the hoarded papers went up in flames.

It’s been years and she has not moved back in. I suspect she began hoarding somewhere else.

I have no doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IDK that she’s actually a hoarder. She’s not acquiring 1000 salt and pepper shakers and having gross food and dead pets squished between layers. Maybe she was overwhelmed with downsizing.

The question is, will she let OP throw old car repair receipts out? I get overwhelmed myself, but I'd be THRILLED if someone would step in and help me declutter.

There's no rational reason to hang on to 25 year old car repair receipts for a car you no longer even own. If OP's mom won't let her throw out obvious garbage ... she's a hoarder. She might not yet be at the advanced stages. But it's coming.

When I tried to help out an acquaintance who is a hoarder who had thousands of receipts, she refused to let me throw them out because they had the last four digits of her credit card on them and they had to be "shredded." So I meticulously sorted bags and bags of trash into trash piles and shred piles, and of course 80% of it was "shred" and was never going to be shredded. It was just a manipulative way of not throwing any of the receipts out. Many of which were basically for a few items at the grocery store purchased a decade ago. It was awful. Probably my worst experience of 2024.

[Anonymous]

For a relative’s hoarded paper, it helped a little to pack it all into new banker boxes and put those on wire shelving. The shelves are spaced to have two banker boxes stacked between them. It’s way more compact and tidy. There’s no organization system, and when they die, it’ll all just be thrown away. You don’t want to make a high stack of banker boxes because they’ll just collapse on themselves eventually. In an apartment, if you won’t miss the money I might get plastic tubs so you can stack along a whole wall. You can frame this is “making it easier for when you go through it” even though you know if will never happen.

Paper, if it’s just paper, isn’t so bad. It’s when it starts to mix with other trash that it really gets out of control. So boxing it up has utility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, what causes hoarding? Is this a symptom of or associated with dementia?

No, OCD, anxiety and trauma

[Anonymous]

NP. Same, OP, same. The posters who are suggesting clean outs and periodic sneaky trash removal have no idea what they are dealing with. I have no ideas for you.

What is scary to me is that I see similar patterns beginning to come up in my husband. He has always been a pack rat but it is starting to cross over into hoarding. I will not live this way, and I am terrified that I will basically end up with a gray divorce because of hoarding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, what causes hoarding? Is this a symptom of or associated with dementia?

No, OCD, anxiety and trauma

I think it’s also undiagnosed ADHD for older women in patients.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just start getting rid of boxes. Slowly. Take one out once a week, drop it into a dumpster and feign ignorance. Never own up to removing them. Seriously.

+ 1

Start removing things and discarding it. She will not know. Also, keep moving other boxes around so it is confusing for her.

As my parents declined (separately) lies made everything easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Same, OP, same. The posters who are suggesting clean outs and periodic sneaky trash removal have no idea what they are dealing with. I have no ideas for you.

What's going to happen is you will do nothing while they're alive (because they will fight you every step of the way) and you will deal with the entire multiple-decade hoard of total crap after they're dead.

BTDT twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you can't do anything, OP, except know that when she dies, it's NOT that hard to clean up.

Both my parents were hoarders (and they were divorced so I've been through this twice). For my dad we got a construction-sized dumpster and filled it 4 times. For my mom, donated furniture to (something like Goodwill).

It's an endless battle to try and get them to clean up. I once spent a whole summer cleaning out my mom's spare condo, and within 3 months it was a junkyard again. But it's easy to wait it out.

But don't stay with her. Panic attacks in this situation might be an unconcious form of control over you. Hoarders often collect people, too.

As someone who is about to be in these shoes, where does one call to rent a dumpster, and does the rental company haul it away once full?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Same, OP, same. The posters who are suggesting clean outs and periodic sneaky trash removal have no idea what they are dealing with. I have no ideas for you.

What's going to happen is you will do nothing while they're alive (because they will fight you every step of the way) and you will deal with the entire multiple-decade hoard of total crap after they're dead.

BTDT twice.

Yep, this exactly. Or, in my case, failure-to-launch brother and sister continued to live in the house, building on the hoard and letting the house deteriorate further. Other sibling and I plan to sell to a developer who will raze the house and dump all the junk if we get stuck with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you can't do anything, OP, except know that when she dies, it's NOT that hard to clean up.

Both my parents were hoarders (and they were divorced so I've been through this twice). For my dad we got a construction-sized dumpster and filled it 4 times. For my mom, donated furniture to (something like Goodwill).

It's an endless battle to try and get them to clean up. I once spent a whole summer cleaning out my mom's spare condo, and within 3 months it was a junkyard again. But it's easy to wait it out.

But don't stay with her. Panic attacks in this situation might be an unconcious form of control over you. Hoarders often collect people, too.

As someone who is about to be in these shoes, where does one call to rent a dumpster, and does the rental company haul it away once full?

You can legit Google this for your area (not trying to be snarky, but it is pretty easy in most places to rent a dumpster). You will need a place to park it, it comes on the back of a flatbed so that also needs room to maneuver the road to drop it off and then pick it up.

[Anonymous]

My mom is away on vacation this week. My best friend and I went over to her place to went through her pantry. We just threw away any and everything that was expired. We filled up dozens of trash bags. It doesn't even look like we put a dent in her kitchen. I told her I was going to do it. I am not too worried about her being upset with me.

I will be renting dumpsters when she passes. I have so much dread about her passing. I hate that I can't just enjoy this time with my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Same, OP, same. The posters who are suggesting clean outs and periodic sneaky trash removal have no idea what they are dealing with. I have no ideas for you.

What's going to happen is you will do nothing while they're alive (because they will fight you every step of the way) and you will deal with the entire multiple-decade hoard of total crap after they're dead.

BTDT twice.

Estate attorney here. Old clients talk often about planning to give away or throw out most of their stuff in order to make it easier for family members after their death. I always advise them not to do this. They should continue living surrounded by their belongings that give them joy. What difference does it make whether ithe junk removal company will have two haul away one or two truckloads after their death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Same, OP, same. The posters who are suggesting clean outs and periodic sneaky trash removal have no idea what they are dealing with. I have no ideas for you.

What's going to happen is you will do nothing while they're alive (because they will fight you every step of the way) and you will deal with the entire multiple-decade hoard of total crap after they're dead.

BTDT twice.

Yep, this exactly. Or, in my case, failure-to-launch brother and sister continued to live in the house, building on the hoard and letting the house deteriorate further. Other sibling and I plan to sell to a developer who will raze the house and dump all the junk if we get stuck with it.

You assume that you and your savvy sibling will inherit anything. It may be that a new will is going to turn up that leaves everything, or at least the house, to the two siblings who still live at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Same, OP, same. The posters who are suggesting clean outs and periodic sneaky trash removal have no idea what they are dealing with. I have no ideas for you.

What's going to happen is you will do nothing while they're alive (because they will fight you every step of the way) and you will deal with the entire multiple-decade hoard of total crap after they're dead.

BTDT twice.

Estate attorney here. Old clients talk often about planning to give away or throw out most of their stuff in order to make it easier for family members after their death. I always advise them not to do this. They should continue living surrounded by their belongings that give them joy. What difference does it make whether ithe junk removal company will have two haul away one or two truckloads after their death.

What terrible advice. Does this thread sound like joy?