My mother's hoarding is going to break me

[Anonymous]

It isn't bad like people who have things piled to the ceiling, but here are some examples:

- at least 40 boxes from when she moved into the apartment after living in a house
- many with worthless crap like unneeded pens and a touch tone phone from the 1970s.
- car repair bills from a car she hasn't owned in 25 years
- cancelled checks from the 1970s

I am really beginning to hate her and have more than once said that once she dies, I am going to be the one who has to clean this sh!t up. And there is always some stupid excuse not to discard things. Do we really need the Medicare guide from 2021?

She also says that it is her apartment and that she has the right to do what she wants. But I stay there about 1/2 the time and it crowds things. S.O.S. is there anything I can do about this before I lose my mind and the swearing gets worse? I have seriously thought about having her declared incapable of taking care of herself by the state.

[Anonymous]

There is no cure for hoarding, OP. This is out of her control. Don't stay with her.

My husband is a hoarder. We have an agreement that he can hoard in the basement, where he has the stereotypical "boxes to the ceiling", "hard to thread your way" type situation. Inevitably, he encroaches on our living space on the main floor: in the past I was able to push him to clear stuff out before company came. Not anymore, sadly. I don't have anyone over. I will have to leave him at some point, because I can't go on like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no cure for hoarding, OP. This is out of her control. Don't stay with her.

My husband is a hoarder. We have an agreement that he can hoard in the basement, where he has the stereotypical "boxes to the ceiling", "hard to thread your way" type situation. Inevitably, he encroaches on our living space on the main floor: in the past I was able to push him to clear stuff out before company came. Not anymore, sadly. I don't have anyone over. I will have to leave him at some point, because I can't go on like this.

I have to stay with her because she cannot take care of herself 100% of the time. When I am not in the area, she panics.

[Anonymous]

If she is so desperate to have you there, tell her that she needs to clean stuff out (or let you clean it out, or hire someone to do it) if you are going to stay with her!

[Anonymous]

Just start getting rid of boxes. Slowly. Take one out once a week, drop it into a dumpster and feign ignorance. Never own up to removing them. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

My brother is like this. He is bipolar.

[Anonymous]

Hoarding is related to anxiety. Plus you are saying she panics when you are not around. Please help her get treatment for her anxiety.

Hoarding is really tough to deal with but honestly you are making it worse by threatening to clear stuff out (major anxiety trigger, don't do that). And, it's very natural to want to have control over the space you live in.

The state is not going to declare her incompetent because she hoards pens and booklets, but let's say they do: then what? You still have to clean the stuff out, plus now she's upset because you took yet more control away from her.

If she really cannot take care of herself and you are starting to hate her because of the burden, you need respite help from local programs that provide that, and/or paid caregivers.

[Anonymous]

Removing them is physically too much for her even if she was emotionally willing to. So stop trying to convince her. Just get rid of the crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just start getting rid of boxes. Slowly. Take one out once a week, drop it into a dumpster and feign ignorance. Never own up to removing them. Seriously.

Agree, just get rid of it when she’s not looking. She will never notice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just start getting rid of boxes. Slowly. Take one out once a week, drop it into a dumpster and feign ignorance. Never own up to removing them. Seriously.

Agree, just get rid of it when she’s not looking. She will never notice

And even if she does notice just say you don't know where whatever she is looking for is. Just tell her she must have moved it or what she's looking for is buried.

[Anonymous]

She has a right to have her apt as she wants and you have a right to not stay overnight.

Good news is theee are junk haulers that clear out houses and apt all the time. You won't have to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just start getting rid of boxes. Slowly. Take one out once a week, drop it into a dumpster and feign ignorance. Never own up to removing them. Seriously.

+ 1

Start removing things and discarding it. She will not know. Also, keep moving other boxes around so it is confusing for her.

[Anonymous]

Yes! I agree! Just toss stuff, little by little.

I feel for old people, I really do. It’s about control. She has zero control. This is all she has left of her prior life. It’s sad, but she won’t change.

[Anonymous]

We spent months trying to clean out my parents’ house. Then we paid a little over $7000 to have it emptied.

One idea is to ask your mom if she would be ok with you taking photos of things and then toss them out. Or finding the Medicare guide from 2021 online. And try working on just one box at a time so it isn’t overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes! I agree! Just toss stuff, little by little.

I feel for old people, I really do. It’s about control. She has zero control. This is all she has left of her prior life. It’s sad, but she won’t change.

Slowly toss the worthless junk without asking or discussing and without her knowing. At the same time, try to find something new she can be excited by.