NO ONE HELPS ME WITH MY MOM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s unfortunate. I would be upset too. Now you know.

Before selling, talk to an estate attorney and an accountant. You might be better off renting it out to supplement her income. Heirs will only pay capital gains on the stepped up basis.

What does stepped up basis mean? Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was a huge ask of the family. Winterize, clean the fridge, cabinets, turn off water, etc etc. It seems like there is some financial benefit to you by not selling it and asking huge favors of others who have their own problems (cancer) with nothing in it for them. It’s not that they aren’t helping your mom, she’s fine, they aren’t helping you out an able bodied younger adult. Sell the house and pay someone to clean it out and get it ready for sale.

Op here- and maybe I am unique in this, but I would do this for someone who asked me even if they were a minor friend if they were in my position. But I know not everyone is like this.
It would only take maybe 3 hours tops and that could be spread over many days and months. It’s been a year and nothing was done that was promised. They lied to me.

I probably would not spend a weekend scrubbing someone’s house out. Especially if I was in my 60s and with cancer. That’s a lot of physical labor and seems an inappropriate request.

No scrubbing was ever expected.

Just sell the house and be done with it. How has a whole year gone by without paying attention to the house? Is your mom no longer local?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was a huge ask of the family. Winterize, clean the fridge, cabinets, turn off water, etc etc. It seems like there is some financial benefit to you by not selling it and asking huge favors of others who have their own problems (cancer) with nothing in it for them. It’s not that they aren’t helping your mom, she’s fine, they aren’t helping you out an able bodied younger adult. Sell the house and pay someone to clean it out and get it ready for sale.

Op here- and maybe I am unique in this, but I would do this for someone who asked me even if they were a minor friend if they were in my position. But I know not everyone is like this.
It would only take maybe 3 hours tops and that could be spread over many days and months. It’s been a year and nothing was done that was promised. They lied to me.

Or if you couldn't or wouldn't do it, you'd let them know so they could make alternate arrangements. I hear you, OP. My relatives are the same, and I've learned I cannot rely on them the hard way, just as you have (but I have a useless sibling in the mix, too). It sucks. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with eldercare is so hard, so I feel for you, OP. And I have a big family. I can't imagine as an only.

I will add that while this might not be the case without your aunt and uncle, years ago my DH asked my FIL's girlfriend to help after FIL's surgery since we weren't in town. (I get that this isn't an apples to apples analogy.) While she did it, she laid into my DH after the fact saying how it was presented to her as she had no option but to do it. My DH was totally in the wrong to assume that the longtime gf would be happy to care for FIL.

I wonder if there was some miscommunication with your relatives, as in they felt you assumed they would do it.

This isn't in anyway throwing shade, because all of this is hard and hugely emotional. Just wanted to throw that out there as food for thought.

Op here- perhaps I am hugely naive and immature, but yes I assumed that my aunt and uncle who I have celebrated every holiday with from age 0-18 and who had me to their house many many weekends a year for my whole childhood would be willing to do minor labor to help me out during a very very stressful period. I have young children and live many hours away. They live in the neighborhood. I would do these things for my neighbors if they asked me, even though we are not family. Family cannot be asked to help each other or to be counted on when they say they will do something?

Lesson learned for sure, but seriously this is so upsetting and makes me want to go move to the woods alone (with my kids and DH of course)

I'm the PP you're responding to. I hear you. Since my FIl's passing (which after the whole gf situation happened I stepped in and my DH traveled to be with his dad and help, and was at his dad's side when he passed) I've now been through several elderly relatives' deaths along with my dad's. What I have learned is that many people simply do not have, or want to have, the capacity to deal with people's challenging situations. Unless it is their own, in which they have to deal.

All to say, that taking care of my dad at the end nearly killed me. And I've had to accept that at some level there isn't much support. I find it sad and frankly a little terrifying. But you will do yourself a favor to let go of the anger. It only hurts you. This will get harder before it's over, more than likely. I spent a lot of time angry at people who wouldn't do what I thought they should do. And truly it only hurt me and my health.

Sending you a giant hug. I wish you could just sell the house and move your mom to a facility closer to you. That's what we've done for my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s unfortunate. I would be upset too. Now you know.

Before selling, talk to an estate attorney and an accountant. You might be better off renting it out to supplement her income. Heirs will only pay capital gains on the stepped up basis.

What does stepped up basis mean? Thank you.

It means if you sell now she can only exclude $250k gain from tax. So if her purchase price was $250, you sold for a million, then her gain is 750. She can exclude 250 from tax, and 500 is taxable.

If you inherit the house your basis is stepped up to fair market value. So using the numbers above and fair market value is $1 million at the time of your moms death and you sell for a million, none of that it taxable.

[Anonymous]

If mom got the house for $100k and it sells for $500k there is $400k capital gains for her.
If she dies then the heir sells it for 550k the heir has a stepped up basis of $500k so only $50k capital gain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with eldercare is so hard, so I feel for you, OP. And I have a big family. I can't imagine as an only.

I will add that while this might not be the case without your aunt and uncle, years ago my DH asked my FIL's girlfriend to help after FIL's surgery since we weren't in town. (I get that this isn't an apples to apples analogy.) While she did it, she laid into my DH after the fact saying how it was presented to her as she had no option but to do it. My DH was totally in the wrong to assume that the longtime gf would be happy to care for FIL.

I wonder if there was some miscommunication with your relatives, as in they felt you assumed they would do it.

This isn't in anyway throwing shade, because all of this is hard and hugely emotional. Just wanted to throw that out there as food for thought.

Op here- perhaps I am hugely naive and immature, but yes I assumed that my aunt and uncle who I have celebrated every holiday with from age 0-18 and who had me to their house many many weekends a year for my whole childhood would be willing to do minor labor to help me out during a very very stressful period. I have young children and live many hours away. They live in the neighborhood. I would do these things for my neighbors if they asked me, even though we are not family. Family cannot be asked to help each other or to be counted on when they say they will do something?

Lesson learned for sure, but seriously this is so upsetting and makes me want to go move to the woods alone (with my kids and DH of course)

I'm the PP you're responding to. I hear you. Since my FIl's passing (which after the whole gf situation happened I stepped in and my DH traveled to be with his dad and help, and was at his dad's side when he passed) I've now been through several elderly relatives' deaths along with my dad's. What I have learned is that many people simply do not have, or want to have, the capacity to deal with people's challenging situations. Unless it is their own, in which they have to deal.

All to say, that taking care of my dad at the end nearly killed me. And I've had to accept that at some level there isn't much support. I find it sad and frankly a little terrifying. But you will do yourself a favor to let go of the anger. It only hurts you. This will get harder before it's over, more than likely. I spent a lot of time angry at people who wouldn't do what I thought they should do. And truly it only hurt me and my health.

Sending you a giant hug. I wish you could just sell the house and move your mom to a facility closer to you. That's what we've done for my mom.

Thank you for your kindness. I will screen shot this and return to it for reference. I will try to let go of the anger as I know I have bigger fish to fry. Thank you for the kind response and if you are a praying person please pray for me that my mom dies quickly and peacefully when it is her time and that I have the strength and ability to manage everything I need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s unfortunate. I would be upset too. Now you know.

Before selling, talk to an estate attorney and an accountant. You might be better off renting it out to supplement her income. Heirs will only pay capital gains on the stepped up basis.

What does stepped up basis mean? Thank you.

It means if you sell now she can only exclude $250k gain from tax. So if her purchase price was $250, you sold for a million, then her gain is 750. She can exclude 250 from tax, and 500 is taxable.

If you inherit the house your basis is stepped up to fair market value. So using the numbers above and fair market value is $1 million at the time of your moms death and you sell for a million, none of that it taxable.

So, if I’m hearing this correctly, it would make the most financial sense to rent it until she passes then sell it afterwards? Thank you for your kindness with this response.

[Anonymous]

It was a family house that mom got for free almost 20 years ago. I think the house and land is now worth about 500k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s unfortunate. I would be upset too. Now you know.

Before selling, talk to an estate attorney and an accountant. You might be better off renting it out to supplement her income. Heirs will only pay capital gains on the stepped up basis.

What does stepped up basis mean? Thank you.

It means if you sell now she can only exclude $250k gain from tax. So if her purchase price was $250, you sold for a million, then her gain is 750. She can exclude 250 from tax, and 500 is taxable.

If you inherit the house your basis is stepped up to fair market value. So using the numbers above and fair market value is $1 million at the time of your moms death and you sell for a million, none of that it taxable.

So, if I’m hearing this correctly, it would make the most financial sense to rent it until she passes then sell it afterwards? Thank you for your kindness with this response.

Not necessarily. She will pay more in cap gains that you would once she died. But she might be better off paying the cap gains and investing the money conservatively and having that money to live off of.

But I'm confused. Where is she in assisted living? Is she near you in assisted living? Or did you put her in assisted living near her house? If near her house, are you saying you did not visit her for nearly a year? That's insane. You should be visiting her more.

And frankly even if she is not near the house, you should have checked on it before now. You are the responsible adult in this situation. You can't ask people in their sixties with cancer to do this. You should have gone out there and cleaned it out and either rented it or sold it. You can't leave a house empty for months on end. That's not good for the house.

I don't think you should keep it and rent it out. You don't sound with it enough for that. If you are certain she will not be moving back, or you won't be moving back, you should sell it. Put the profit in two high yield online savings account like Marcus Goldman Sachs for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Closing down a house long-term is a lot of work. I would try to cut them some slack. It is hard to think of everything. They probably imagined a 1 hour commitment vs a day or two.

DP. It's really not much work to turn off a couple of valves and dump any food into a trash bag, and obviously make sure the lights are off and the windows are closed. Probably more than an hour but 2-3 hours at most. It sounds like they never stepped foot into the place and just forgot about it completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s unfortunate. I would be upset too. Now you know.

Before selling, talk to an estate attorney and an accountant. You might be better off renting it out to supplement her income. Heirs will only pay capital gains on the stepped up basis.

What does stepped up basis mean? Thank you.

It means if you sell now she can only exclude $250k gain from tax. So if her purchase price was $250, you sold for a million, then her gain is 750. She can exclude 250 from tax, and 500 is taxable.

If you inherit the house your basis is stepped up to fair market value. So using the numbers above and fair market value is $1 million at the time of your moms death and you sell for a million, none of that it taxable.

So, if I’m hearing this correctly, it would make the most financial sense to rent it until she passes then sell it afterwards? Thank you for your kindness with this response.

Not necessarily. She will pay more in cap gains that you would once she died. But she might be better off paying the cap gains and investing the money conservatively and having that money to live off of.

But I'm confused. Where is she in assisted living? Is she near you in assisted living? Or did you put her in assisted living near her house? If near her house, are you saying you did not visit her for nearly a year? That's insane. You should be visiting her more.

And frankly even if she is not near the house, you should have checked on it before now. You are the responsible adult in this situation. You can't ask people in their sixties with cancer to do this. You should have gone out there and cleaned it out and either rented it or sold it. You can't leave a house empty for months on end. That's not good for the house.

I don't think you should keep it and rent it out. You don't sound with it enough for that. If you are certain she will not be moving back, or you won't be moving back, you should sell it. Put the profit in two high yield online savings account like Marcus Goldman Sachs for now.

She is in an assisted living near more helpful extended family, a 4 hour drive from the house. One of the family members works at the assisted living center and checks on her daily. I have been to visit her 7 times in the past year, all were plane ride weekend trips. I have young children and two full time working parent jobs and this has been incredibly hard to manage. That’s why I haven’t been back to the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you contacting a real estate agent to sell her house? It’s mortgage free. How is she paying for assisted living? A house not being lived in quickly deteriorates and there is risk squatters move in.

From a distance a good real estate company will find an estate sale company if company who will clean out and dump everything.

You moved your mom a year ago to a place near her home or close to you? In the span of a year you couldn’t go check on the house even one time?

Realistically no one is going to help you with your mom. So that’s why you need to spend her money taking care of these problems.

Gotcha. I’m on it. But it is sad that my aunt and uncle cannot even be bothered to stop by once as it would be a 9 hour drive for me and a 5 min walk for them, but I guess that’s how life goes.

Yes, that's unfortunate they didn't help. But since you have power of attorney, you can hire help with the anticipation of selling the house quickly. No need to leave it empty for months.

[Anonymous]

When she was moved to the assisted living place, were you in town?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s unfortunate. I would be upset too. Now you know.

Before selling, talk to an estate attorney and an accountant. You might be better off renting it out to supplement her income. Heirs will only pay capital gains on the stepped up basis.

What does stepped up basis mean? Thank you.

It means if you sell now she can only exclude $250k gain from tax. So if her purchase price was $250, you sold for a million, then her gain is 750. She can exclude 250 from tax, and 500 is taxable.

If you inherit the house your basis is stepped up to fair market value. So using the numbers above and fair market value is $1 million at the time of your moms death and you sell for a million, none of that it taxable.

So, if I’m hearing this correctly, it would make the most financial sense to rent it until she passes then sell it afterwards? Thank you for your kindness with this response.

Not necessarily. She will pay more in cap gains that you would once she died. But she might be better off paying the cap gains and investing the money conservatively and having that money to live off of.

But I'm confused. Where is she in assisted living? Is she near you in assisted living? Or did you put her in assisted living near her house? If near her house, are you saying you did not visit her for nearly a year? That's insane. You should be visiting her more.

And frankly even if she is not near the house, you should have checked on it before now. You are the responsible adult in this situation. You can't ask people in their sixties with cancer to do this. You should have gone out there and cleaned it out and either rented it or sold it. You can't leave a house empty for months on end. That's not good for the house.

I don't think you should keep it and rent it out. You don't sound with it enough for that. If you are certain she will not be moving back, or you won't be moving back, you should sell it. Put the profit in two high yield online savings account like Marcus Goldman Sachs for now.

She is in an assisted living near more helpful extended family, a 4 hour drive from the house. One of the family members works at the assisted living center and checks on her daily. I have been to visit her 7 times in the past year, all were plane ride weekend trips. I have young children and two full time working parent jobs and this has been incredibly hard to manage. That’s why I haven’t been back to the house.

You need to move her closer to you. Yes, its very very hard, but its easier if she were near you.