NO ONE HELPS ME WITH MY MOM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to just stop asking them anything

This. Sadly, now you know you can’t rely on them.

I’m sorry, op.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, op. That sucks.

[Anonymous]

Closing down a house long-term is a lot of work. I would try to cut them some slack. It is hard to think of everything. They probably imagined a 1 hour commitment vs a day or two.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I missed this, but why aren't you selling it?

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. I really do.
But, there was no discussion of here is the key, here is the info, thank you for doing this etc. etc. etc?
Once in passing they said this and you assumed it was done?
This is a post sent with kindness. I am very confused about how this unfolded.
Your friend has a key?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with eldercare is so hard, so I feel for you, OP. And I have a big family. I can't imagine as an only.

I will add that while this might not be the case without your aunt and uncle, years ago my DH asked my FIL's girlfriend to help after FIL's surgery since we weren't in town. (I get that this isn't an apples to apples analogy.) While she did it, she laid into my DH after the fact saying how it was presented to her as she had no option but to do it. My DH was totally in the wrong to assume that the longtime gf would be happy to care for FIL.

I wonder if there was some miscommunication with your relatives, as in they felt you assumed they would do it.

This isn't in anyway throwing shade, because all of this is hard and hugely emotional. Just wanted to throw that out there as food for thought.

Op here- perhaps I am hugely naive and immature, but yes I assumed that my aunt and uncle who I have celebrated every holiday with from age 0-18 and who had me to their house many many weekends a year for my whole childhood would be willing to do minor labor to help me out during a very very stressful period. I have young children and live many hours away. They live in the neighborhood. I would do these things for my neighbors if they asked me, even though we are not family. Family cannot be asked to help each other or to be counted on when they say they will do something?

Lesson learned for sure, but seriously this is so upsetting and makes me want to go move to the woods alone (with my kids and DH of course)

[Anonymous]

That was a huge ask of the family. Winterize, clean the fridge, cabinets, turn off water, etc etc. It seems like there is some financial benefit to you by not selling it and asking huge favors of others who have their own problems (cancer) with nothing in it for them. It’s not that they aren’t helping your mom, she’s fine, they aren’t helping you out an able bodied younger adult. Sell the house and pay someone to clean it out and get it ready for sale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you. I really do.
But, there was no discussion of here is the key, here is the info, thank you for doing this etc. etc. etc?
Once in passing they said this and you assumed it was done?
This is a post sent with kindness. I am very confused about how this unfolded.
Your friend has a key?

There is a garage code
Yes, I assumed it was done when they told me they would do it. I had much much bigger things on my plate at that time such as moving my demented mom to an assisted living facility practically against her will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was a huge ask of the family. Winterize, clean the fridge, cabinets, turn off water, etc etc. It seems like there is some financial benefit to you by not selling it and asking huge favors of others who have their own problems (cancer) with nothing in it for them. It’s not that they aren’t helping your mom, she’s fine, they aren’t helping you out an able bodied younger adult. Sell the house and pay someone to clean it out and get it ready for sale.

I’m definitely selling it now. Just shocked that what was promised was not done. I feel like such a fool.

[Anonymous]

That’s unfortunate. I would be upset too. Now you know.

Before selling, talk to an estate attorney and an accountant. You might be better off renting it out to supplement her income. Heirs will only pay capital gains on the stepped up basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was a huge ask of the family. Winterize, clean the fridge, cabinets, turn off water, etc etc. It seems like there is some financial benefit to you by not selling it and asking huge favors of others who have their own problems (cancer) with nothing in it for them. It’s not that they aren’t helping your mom, she’s fine, they aren’t helping you out an able bodied younger adult. Sell the house and pay someone to clean it out and get it ready for sale.

I’m definitely selling it now. Just shocked that what was promised was not done. I feel like such a fool.

I think if you had asked them to get the mail or water the plants it would have been different, they probably thought you were taking advantage by asking so much of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was a huge ask of the family. Winterize, clean the fridge, cabinets, turn off water, etc etc. It seems like there is some financial benefit to you by not selling it and asking huge favors of others who have their own problems (cancer) with nothing in it for them. It’s not that they aren’t helping your mom, she’s fine, they aren’t helping you out an able bodied younger adult. Sell the house and pay someone to clean it out and get it ready for sale.

Op here- and maybe I am unique in this, but I would do this for someone who asked me even if they were a minor friend if they were in my position. But I know not everyone is like this.
It would only take maybe 3 hours tops and that could be spread over many days and months. It’s been a year and nothing was done that was promised. They lied to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was a huge ask of the family. Winterize, clean the fridge, cabinets, turn off water, etc etc. It seems like there is some financial benefit to you by not selling it and asking huge favors of others who have their own problems (cancer) with nothing in it for them. It’s not that they aren’t helping your mom, she’s fine, they aren’t helping you out an able bodied younger adult. Sell the house and pay someone to clean it out and get it ready for sale.

Op here- and maybe I am unique in this, but I would do this for someone who asked me even if they were a minor friend if they were in my position. But I know not everyone is like this.
It would only take maybe 3 hours tops and that could be spread over many days and months. It’s been a year and nothing was done that was promised. They lied to me.

I probably would not spend a weekend scrubbing someone’s house out. Especially if I was in my 60s and with cancer. That’s a lot of physical labor and seems an inappropriate request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was a huge ask of the family. Winterize, clean the fridge, cabinets, turn off water, etc etc. It seems like there is some financial benefit to you by not selling it and asking huge favors of others who have their own problems (cancer) with nothing in it for them. It’s not that they aren’t helping your mom, she’s fine, they aren’t helping you out an able bodied younger adult. Sell the house and pay someone to clean it out and get it ready for sale.

I’m definitely selling it now. Just shocked that what was promised was not done. I feel like such a fool.

I think if you had asked them to get the mail or water the plants it would have been different, they probably thought you were taking advantage by asking so much of them.

Is it really so much to ask family to throw old food in a bag and put it in a garbage bin? They said they turned off the water, I didn’t ask that. They said they would shut down the house. If this happened when I asked them a year ago it wouldn’t have been so nasty to deal with now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was a huge ask of the family. Winterize, clean the fridge, cabinets, turn off water, etc etc. It seems like there is some financial benefit to you by not selling it and asking huge favors of others who have their own problems (cancer) with nothing in it for them. It’s not that they aren’t helping your mom, she’s fine, they aren’t helping you out an able bodied younger adult. Sell the house and pay someone to clean it out and get it ready for sale.

Op here- and maybe I am unique in this, but I would do this for someone who asked me even if they were a minor friend if they were in my position. But I know not everyone is like this.
It would only take maybe 3 hours tops and that could be spread over many days and months. It’s been a year and nothing was done that was promised. They lied to me.

I probably would not spend a weekend scrubbing someone’s house out. Especially if I was in my 60s and with cancer. That’s a lot of physical labor and seems an inappropriate request.

No scrubbing was ever expected.