NO ONE HELPS ME WITH MY MOM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was a huge ask of the family. Winterize, clean the fridge, cabinets, turn off water, etc etc. It seems like there is some financial benefit to you by not selling it and asking huge favors of others who have their own problems (cancer) with nothing in it for them. It’s not that they aren’t helping your mom, she’s fine, they aren’t helping you out an able bodied younger adult. Sell the house and pay someone to clean it out and get it ready for sale.

According to the OP, she didn’t ask, they offered. Really shitty to do so and then not follow through.

[Anonymous]

As a fellow only child, I’m sorry and I understand. This work is all on you though. Only spouses and children can be expected to help with old age. No one else is going to take on the burden because it’s so massive.

I realize you have your own life, but you need to go more often. 9 months is a long time to not visit. Nursing homes do take advantage of patients, especially those who don’t have visitors.

I wish you peace and hope you have your own family and friends who can support you so you can help your mom.

[Anonymous]

So you haven’t even been there in an entire year? When you moved your mom, did you do so remotely? You never visited? Do you have any excruciating health concerns of your own to prevent you from going?

[Anonymous]

You don't have to help her or deal with this either, you know. You are a grown adult; stop whinging and either sell the house or leave her to the state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was a huge ask of the family. Winterize, clean the fridge, cabinets, turn off water, etc etc. It seems like there is some financial benefit to you by not selling it and asking huge favors of others who have their own problems (cancer) with nothing in it for them. It’s not that they aren’t helping your mom, she’s fine, they aren’t helping you out an able bodied younger adult. Sell the house and pay someone to clean it out and get it ready for sale.

According to the OP, she didn’t ask, they offered. Really shitty to do so and then not follow through.

As all of us know who deal with human beings, following up is mandatory especially in a long distance situation.

[Anonymous]

I have found there are definitely people who will make grand gestures with offers of help (even selfish siblings who should help), but the time comes they do almost nothing. I found if I can't be there as often, it is best to hire someone to manage things assuming she can afford it. Then you are paying the person for the time and it's contractual. It's incredibly frustrating your relatives offered to do a monumental task and didn't. Their mistake is offering, but it really isn't someone to expect of them.

Many of us with siblings felt alone too. You just have to figure out your boundaries, figure out what she can afford in terms of help, find out about resources in the area and know things will not be perfect-far from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was a huge ask of the family. Winterize, clean the fridge, cabinets, turn off water, etc etc. It seems like there is some financial benefit to you by not selling it and asking huge favors of others who have their own problems (cancer) with nothing in it for them. It’s not that they aren’t helping your mom, she’s fine, they aren’t helping you out an able bodied younger adult. Sell the house and pay someone to clean it out and get it ready for sale.

According to the OP, she didn’t ask, they offered. Really shitty to do so and then not follow through.

Ok but OPs issue its been months almost a year since then. OP really dropped the ball to not verify and follow through herself on what ulitmately is her problem. The job now wouldn’t be so gross if she had kept tabs. If she can’t or won’t then she needs to sell ASAP.

[Anonymous]

I’m right there with you, op.

But I quickly realized I needed to take control and get things in order. Me. Because nobody else has skin in the game and my goal is to protect my parent and their biggest asset: their home.

I quickly determined a plan to gather whatever was valuable from the home and sell it as is. Tremendous peace of mind getting the cash and not having to worry about squatters, thieves, damage, etc.

You should move your mom nearby and dump the house.

Sorry. It sucks. I’m dealing with everything myself even though I have a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, Op. that’s sadly how these things go.
You are stronger than you realize. It sucks, but you can do this. You quickly realize that you can’t rely on most.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure it was disappointing. However, in all that time OP never once checked in with her relatives to see if they needed anything or needed her to send money or supplies to help them or if any issues came up? Seems odd to be so angry all these months later with zero follow up.

I’m an only child too so I get juggling your own family, job and parent care. But how no follow up or trip back to the house occurred in that many months doesn’t resonate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure it was disappointing. However, in all that time OP never once checked in with her relatives to see if they needed anything or needed her to send money or supplies to help them or if any issues came up? Seems odd to be so angry all these months later with zero follow up.

I’m an only child too so I get juggling your own family, job and parent care. But how no follow up or trip back to the house occurred in that many months doesn’t resonate.

+1 I think OP didn't want the criticism and left, but she seems oddly unaware that she's able to focus her energy on her young family because her mom is 9 hours away at an assisted living facility being watched over by another family member who works there and keeps an eye on her. And if she needed the rent money from her mom's apt, I'm not sure how she waited months for the fridge to be cleaned out...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to stop reading this thread now. Thank you for all the helpful responses.

I don’t need to read the unhelpful responses criticizing me for my decisions when I am doing the best I can, with little help, guidance or emotional support from very far away while also raising my own young family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s unfortunate. I would be upset too. Now you know.

Before selling, talk to an estate attorney and an accountant. You might be better off renting it out to supplement her income. Heirs will only pay capital gains on the stepped up basis.

What does stepped up basis mean? Thank you.

It means if you sell now she can only exclude $250k gain from tax. So if her purchase price was $250, you sold for a million, then her gain is 750. She can exclude 250 from tax, and 500 is taxable.

If you inherit the house your basis is stepped up to fair market value. So using the numbers above and fair market value is $1 million at the time of your moms death and you sell for a million, none of that it taxable.

So, if I’m hearing this correctly, it would make the most financial sense to rent it until she passes then sell it afterwards? Thank you for your kindness with this response.

Not necessarily. She will pay more in cap gains that you would once she died. But she might be better off paying the cap gains and investing the money conservatively and having that money to live off of.

But I'm confused. Where is she in assisted living? Is she near you in assisted living? Or did you put her in assisted living near her house? If near her house, are you saying you did not visit her for nearly a year? That's insane. You should be visiting her more.

And frankly even if she is not near the house, you should have checked on it before now. You are the responsible adult in this situation. You can't ask people in their sixties with cancer to do this. You should have gone out there and cleaned it out and either rented it or sold it. You can't leave a house empty for months on end. That's not good for the house.

I don't think you should keep it and rent it out. You don't sound with it enough for that. If you are certain she will not be moving back, or you won't be moving back, you should sell it. Put the profit in two high yield online savings account like Marcus Goldman Sachs for now.

She is in an assisted living near more helpful extended family, a 4 hour drive from the house. One of the family members works at the assisted living center and checks on her daily. I have been to visit her 7 times in the past year, all were plane ride weekend trips. I have young children and two full time working parent jobs and this has been incredibly hard to manage. That’s why I haven’t been back to the house.

Exactly. I totally caught that too. She chooses to place her mother in a place 4 hours from where she lives because she has a relative who will check on her daily. Then she complains NO ONE HELPS ME WITH MY MOM. I don't get how getting DAILY help from a relative doesn't count. OP should have moved her mother to the town or city where she lives. 7 out of 52 weekends means that she isn't even having to go once a month, its more like every other month she goes and visits her mother. The other month she could have gone to shut down her mother's house.

[Anonymous]

Do you your aunt and uncle have kids? Since you weren’t around and your mom wasn’t going to be coming back maybe they let someone else stay there in the meantime. They figured you didn’t care bc you never followed up with them.