NO ONE HELPS ME WITH MY MOM

[Anonymous]

OP did not write a post asking for advice on how to take care of her mother and if I were her I would ask Jeff to lock this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When she was moved to the assisted living place, were you in town?

Yes I came up to help it was my project to do

[Anonymous]

I’m an only child too and maybe I missed it but did you move your mom to AL near you or in her hometown. I am finding it hard to process how you haven’t been to her home in the course of a year. I think it’s disappointing that they didn’t do the tasks you thought they did but I also cannot understand how you didn’t have a conversation about it within a year’s time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s unfortunate. I would be upset too. Now you know.

Before selling, talk to an estate attorney and an accountant. You might be better off renting it out to supplement her income. Heirs will only pay capital gains on the stepped up basis.

What does stepped up basis mean? Thank you.

It means if you sell now she can only exclude $250k gain from tax. So if her purchase price was $250, you sold for a million, then her gain is 750. She can exclude 250 from tax, and 500 is taxable.

If you inherit the house your basis is stepped up to fair market value. So using the numbers above and fair market value is $1 million at the time of your moms death and you sell for a million, none of that it taxable.

So, if I’m hearing this correctly, it would make the most financial sense to rent it until she passes then sell it afterwards? Thank you for your kindness with this response.

It depends on how much the house would sell for and her basis in it, which could be the purchase price in simplest case. If it's a lot of money and you can turn a profit or at least break even paying to have it put in rentable condition, hiring a property manager locally to keep up house and vet renters and getting insurance to protect you if the tenant buys their @$$ and claims it's your fault (get an attorney) then maybe. If it not huge bucks, maybe not.

[Anonymous]

All the best to you. I am an only child too. Big hug. 🌹

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s unfortunate. I would be upset too. Now you know.

Before selling, talk to an estate attorney and an accountant. You might be better off renting it out to supplement her income. Heirs will only pay capital gains on the stepped up basis.

What does stepped up basis mean? Thank you.

It means if you sell now she can only exclude $250k gain from tax. So if her purchase price was $250, you sold for a million, then her gain is 750. She can exclude 250 from tax, and 500 is taxable.

If you inherit the house your basis is stepped up to fair market value. So using the numbers above and fair market value is $1 million at the time of your moms death and you sell for a million, none of that it taxable.

So, if I’m hearing this correctly, it would make the most financial sense to rent it until she passes then sell it afterwards? Thank you for your kindness with this response.

Not necessarily. She will pay more in cap gains that you would once she died. But she might be better off paying the cap gains and investing the money conservatively and having that money to live off of.

But I'm confused. Where is she in assisted living? Is she near you in assisted living? Or did you put her in assisted living near her house? If near her house, are you saying you did not visit her for nearly a year? That's insane. You should be visiting her more.

And frankly even if she is not near the house, you should have checked on it before now. You are the responsible adult in this situation. You can't ask people in their sixties with cancer to do this. You should have gone out there and cleaned it out and either rented it or sold it. You can't leave a house empty for months on end. That's not good for the house.

I don't think you should keep it and rent it out. You don't sound with it enough for that. If you are certain she will not be moving back, or you won't be moving back, you should sell it. Put the profit in two high yield online savings account like Marcus Goldman Sachs for now.

She is in an assisted living near more helpful extended family, a 4 hour drive from the house. One of the family members works at the assisted living center and checks on her daily. I have been to visit her 7 times in the past year, all were plane ride weekend trips. I have young children and two full time working parent jobs and this has been incredibly hard to manage. That’s why I haven’t been back to the house.

OP, I think those relatives were rude to agree to help with the house and then not do so. But you might remind yourself that your subject line is hyperbole. In fact, you do have some helpful extended family members who are helping with your mom! It's great that you're not 100% alone in this endeavor, even if some family members have been disappointments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s unfortunate. I would be upset too. Now you know.

Before selling, talk to an estate attorney and an accountant. You might be better off renting it out to supplement her income. Heirs will only pay capital gains on the stepped up basis.

What does stepped up basis mean? Thank you.

It means if you sell now she can only exclude $250k gain from tax. So if her purchase price was $250, you sold for a million, then her gain is 750. She can exclude 250 from tax, and 500 is taxable.

If you inherit the house your basis is stepped up to fair market value. So using the numbers above and fair market value is $1 million at the time of your moms death and you sell for a million, none of that it taxable.

So, if I’m hearing this correctly, it would make the most financial sense to rent it until she passes then sell it afterwards? Thank you for your kindness with this response.

Not necessarily. She will pay more in cap gains that you would once she died. But she might be better off paying the cap gains and investing the money conservatively and having that money to live off of.

But I'm confused. Where is she in assisted living? Is she near you in assisted living? Or did you put her in assisted living near her house? If near her house, are you saying you did not visit her for nearly a year? That's insane. You should be visiting her more.

And frankly even if she is not near the house, you should have checked on it before now. You are the responsible adult in this situation. You can't ask people in their sixties with cancer to do this. You should have gone out there and cleaned it out and either rented it or sold it. You can't leave a house empty for months on end. That's not good for the house.

I don't think you should keep it and rent it out. You don't sound with it enough for that. If you are certain she will not be moving back, or you won't be moving back, you should sell it. Put the profit in two high yield online savings account like Marcus Goldman Sachs for now.

She is in an assisted living near more helpful extended family, a 4 hour drive from the house. One of the family members works at the assisted living center and checks on her daily. I have been to visit her 7 times in the past year, all were plane ride weekend trips. I have young children and two full time working parent jobs and this has been incredibly hard to manage. That’s why I haven’t been back to the house.

OP, I think those relatives were rude to agree to help with the house and then not do so. But you might remind yourself that your subject line is hyperbole. In fact, you do have some helpful extended family members who are helping with your mom! It's great that you're not 100% alone in this endeavor, even if some family members have been disappointments.

+1 The aunt and uncle who let you down have cancer, and are in their 60s. It was a lot to ask. And presumably if OP lives 9 hours away and has little kids, it's the nearby family members who have been visiting OP's mother rather than the OP. If that's not the case, OP should move the mom to a facility closer to her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s unfortunate. I would be upset too. Now you know.

Before selling, talk to an estate attorney and an accountant. You might be better off renting it out to supplement her income. Heirs will only pay capital gains on the stepped up basis.

What does stepped up basis mean? Thank you.

It means if you sell now she can only exclude $250k gain from tax. So if her purchase price was $250, you sold for a million, then her gain is 750. She can exclude 250 from tax, and 500 is taxable.

If you inherit the house your basis is stepped up to fair market value. So using the numbers above and fair market value is $1 million at the time of your moms death and you sell for a million, none of that it taxable.

So, if I’m hearing this correctly, it would make the most financial sense to rent it until she passes then sell it afterwards? Thank you for your kindness with this response.

Not necessarily. She will pay more in cap gains that you would once she died. But she might be better off paying the cap gains and investing the money conservatively and having that money to live off of.

But I'm confused. Where is she in assisted living? Is she near you in assisted living? Or did you put her in assisted living near her house? If near her house, are you saying you did not visit her for nearly a year? That's insane. You should be visiting her more.

And frankly even if she is not near the house, you should have checked on it before now. You are the responsible adult in this situation. You can't ask people in their sixties with cancer to do this. You should have gone out there and cleaned it out and either rented it or sold it. You can't leave a house empty for months on end. That's not good for the house.

I don't think you should keep it and rent it out. You don't sound with it enough for that. If you are certain she will not be moving back, or you won't be moving back, you should sell it. Put the profit in two high yield online savings account like Marcus Goldman Sachs for now.

She is in an assisted living near more helpful extended family, a 4 hour drive from the house. One of the family members works at the assisted living center and checks on her daily. I have been to visit her 7 times in the past year, all were plane ride weekend trips. I have young children and two full time working parent jobs and this has been incredibly hard to manage. That’s why I haven’t been back to the house.

OP, I think those relatives were rude to agree to help with the house and then not do so. But you might remind yourself that your subject line is hyperbole. In fact, you do have some helpful extended family members who are helping with your mom! It's great that you're not 100% alone in this endeavor, even if some family members have been disappointments.

+1 Having a family member check in DAILY on your mother when you live a plane ride away is a great gift. Try to remember that--even as you're disappointed with an elderly aunt and uncle who have failed you, but who you say have their own health challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was a huge ask of the family. Winterize, clean the fridge, cabinets, turn off water, etc etc. It seems like there is some financial benefit to you by not selling it and asking huge favors of others who have their own problems (cancer) with nothing in it for them. It’s not that they aren’t helping your mom, she’s fine, they aren’t helping you out an able bodied younger adult. Sell the house and pay someone to clean it out and get it ready for sale.

Op here- and maybe I am unique in this, but I would do this for someone who asked me even if they were a minor friend if they were in my position. But I know not everyone is like this.
It would only take maybe 3 hours tops and that could be spread over many days and months. It’s been a year and nothing was done that was promised. They lied to me.

They lied to you that they would do it or that it was done? Your aunt and uncle had you over to their house many times throughout your childhood. It seems like you are using your relatives and friends to oversee your mother’s house that you will inherit. You owe THEM.

[Anonymous]

OP. I've just realized that a lot of older people don't know how to say no or have disagreements anymore. It's too much work for them. Don't let it get between you and your extended family. Just learn that this isn't something they can do and move on. Yes it's hard and I've had to learn that I'm not really as interesting a person to my extended family as I was as a child. People don't really have sympathy for the work I'm doing. It's just life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Closing down a house long-term is a lot of work. I would try to cut them some slack. It is hard to think of everything. They probably imagined a 1 hour commitment vs a day or two.

+1. I am their age and can’t find the time to clean out my own frig and cabinets let alone do someone else’s. That was a big ask even if it didn’t seem so compared to your new responsibilities. Hired help is the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with eldercare is so hard, so I feel for you, OP. And I have a big family. I can't imagine as an only.

I will add that while this might not be the case without your aunt and uncle, years ago my DH asked my FIL's girlfriend to help after FIL's surgery since we weren't in town. (I get that this isn't an apples to apples analogy.) While she did it, she laid into my DH after the fact saying how it was presented to her as she had no option but to do it. My DH was totally in the wrong to assume that the longtime gf would be happy to care for FIL.

I wonder if there was some miscommunication with your relatives, as in they felt you assumed they would do it.

This isn't in anyway throwing shade, because all of this is hard and hugely emotional. Just wanted to throw that out there as food for thought.

Op here- perhaps I am hugely naive and immature, but yes I assumed that my aunt and uncle who I have celebrated every holiday with from age 0-18 and who had me to their house many many weekends a year for my whole childhood would be willing to do minor labor to help me out during a very very stressful period. I have young children and live many hours away. They live in the neighborhood. I would do these things for my neighbors if they asked me, even though we are not family. Family cannot be asked to help each other or to be counted on when they say they will do something?

Lesson learned for sure, but seriously this is so upsetting and makes me want to go move to the woods alone (with my kids and DH of course)

What would that do? You already live 9 hours away.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to stop reading this thread now. Thank you for all the helpful responses.

I don’t need to read the unhelpful responses criticizing me for my decisions when I am doing the best I can, with little help, guidance or emotional support from very far away while also raising my own young family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to stop reading this thread now. Thank you for all the helpful responses.

I don’t need to read the unhelpful responses criticizing me for my decisions when I am doing the best I can, with little help, guidance or emotional support from very far away while also raising my own young family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s unfortunate. I would be upset too. Now you know.

Before selling, talk to an estate attorney and an accountant. You might be better off renting it out to supplement her income. Heirs will only pay capital gains on the stepped up basis.

What does stepped up basis mean? Thank you.

It means if you sell now she can only exclude $250k gain from tax. So if her purchase price was $250, you sold for a million, then her gain is 750. She can exclude 250 from tax, and 500 is taxable.

If you inherit the house your basis is stepped up to fair market value. So using the numbers above and fair market value is $1 million at the time of your moms death and you sell for a million, none of that it taxable.

So, if I’m hearing this correctly, it would make the most financial sense to rent it until she passes then sell it afterwards? Thank you for your kindness with this response.

Not necessarily. She will pay more in cap gains that you would once she died. But she might be better off paying the cap gains and investing the money conservatively and having that money to live off of.

But I'm confused. Where is she in assisted living? Is she near you in assisted living? Or did you put her in assisted living near her house? If near her house, are you saying you did not visit her for nearly a year? That's insane. You should be visiting her more.

And frankly even if she is not near the house, you should have checked on it before now. You are the responsible adult in this situation. You can't ask people in their sixties with cancer to do this. You should have gone out there and cleaned it out and either rented it or sold it. You can't leave a house empty for months on end. That's not good for the house.

I don't think you should keep it and rent it out. You don't sound with it enough for that. If you are certain she will not be moving back, or you won't be moving back, you should sell it. Put the profit in two high yield online savings account like Marcus Goldman Sachs for now.

She is in an assisted living near more helpful extended family, a 4 hour drive from the house. One of the family members works at the assisted living center and checks on her daily. I have been to visit her 7 times in the past year, all were plane ride weekend trips. I have young children and two full time working parent jobs and this has been incredibly hard to manage. That’s why I haven’t been back to the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just here to rage to people that maybe (sadly) can understand.
I am an only child to a single mother with dementia who needed to be moved urgently to an assisted living last year. I live 9 hours away from her home and my hometown, where all her extended family and long term friends live.

When she first moved to assisted living, it was unclear whether she would be able to return to live in her long term, mortgage free home where she desperately wants to be. It has since been decided that sadly, she will never be able to return there. In the interim, my local aunt and uncle offered to close up the house, turn off water and winterize, and clean out the appliances and cabinets for me while I dealt with her move to AL and a sudden need to take on 100% of her finances.

I asked a family friend who was in the area today to check on the house and report anything much to me since I have not been there in about a year. The friend found many lights in the house on, rotting food in the fridge and cabinets, open windows, and the water still on and running.
I am beside myself with anger and frustration at my local family who said they would do these things and apparently never did! I never thought I needed to double check grown a** adults who I have known and loved for over 40 years! Furthermore, these adults live in the same neighborhood!

I have a plan to manage it and I'm going to be okay, but I just needed to let this be known by y'all.

Everyone has enough on their plate. You have no idea what your fanily members are going through.

Please give grace to others. How often do you help family members?