NO ONE HELPS ME WITH MY MOM
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Anonymous
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Just here to rage to people that maybe (sadly) can understand.
I am an only child to a single mother with dementia who needed to be moved urgently to an assisted living last year. I live 9 hours away from her home and my hometown, where all her extended family and long term friends live. When she first moved to assisted living, it was unclear whether she would be able to return to live in her long term, mortgage free home where she desperately wants to be. It has since been decided that sadly, she will never be able to return there. In the interim, my local aunt and uncle offered to close up the house, turn off water and winterize, and clean out the appliances and cabinets for me while I dealt with her move to AL and a sudden need to take on 100% of her finances. I asked a family friend who was in the area today to check on the house and report anything much to me since I have not been there in about a year. The friend found many lights in the house on, rotting food in the fridge and cabinets, open windows, and the water still on and running. I am beside myself with anger and frustration at my local family who said they would do these things and apparently never did! I never thought I needed to double check grown a** adults who I have known and loved for over 40 years! Furthermore, these adults live in the same neighborhood! I have a plan to manage it and I'm going to be okay, but I just needed to let this be known by y'all. |
Anonymous
| Ugghhhh that sucks, OP! I can’t believe your relatives dropped the ball like that. |
Anonymous
| I am so sorry! Nothing could be worse than people not keeping their word. Is it possible they have been using the house or allowing people to stay there? Perhaps they are having their own health issues that led to the lapse. You should at least call them to let then know you're taking care of the house now so they understand you know about its condition. Perhaps a passive aggressive message such as "Hey, did you turn the water back on for a reason? Or was it never turned off?" |
Anonymous
| I am so very sorry. |
Anonymous
| That sucks. I'm glad you have a plan. |
Anonymous
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Why aren’t you contacting a real estate agent to sell her house? It’s mortgage free. How is she paying for assisted living? A house not being lived in quickly deteriorates and there is risk squatters move in.
From a distance a good real estate company will find an estate sale company if company who will clean out and dump everything. You moved your mom a year ago to a place near her home or close to you? In the span of a year you couldn’t go check on the house even one time? Realistically no one is going to help you with your mom. So that’s why you need to spend her money taking care of these problems. |
Anonymous
Gotcha. I’m on it. But it is sad that my aunt and uncle cannot even be bothered to stop by once as it would be a 9 hour drive for me and a 5 min walk for them, but I guess that’s how life goes. |
Anonymous
| I think you need to just stop asking them anything |
Anonymous
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If they are your mother's age is it possible they are too frail or have dementia and forgot the tasks or tge promise? Not to excuse or minimize but just move on as you are.
Who owns the house? Who can sell it? In any case realtors can suggest property managers to check on the house from time to time. Police should also know it's empty. You can always say "the plan is to sell it in the future"..... |
Anonymous
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Pay a property manager company to empty the frig and winterize the house.
You don't want burst pipes. |
Anonymous
| I’m very sorry OP. |
Anonymous
| She's not going back. It would be best if you found someone to go out there and clean and move her closer to you. It is only going to get worse with dementia. |
Anonymous
They are early 60s. One has cancer true but the other one is healthy and normal. My mom owns the house. I am poa and can sell it. |
Anonymous
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Dealing with eldercare is so hard, so I feel for you, OP. And I have a big family. I can't imagine as an only.
I will add that while this might not be the case without your aunt and uncle, years ago my DH asked my FIL's girlfriend to help after FIL's surgery since we weren't in town. (I get that this isn't an apples to apples analogy.) While she did it, she laid into my DH after the fact saying how it was presented to her as she had no option but to do it. My DH was totally in the wrong to assume that the longtime gf would be happy to care for FIL. I wonder if there was some miscommunication with your relatives, as in they felt you assumed they would do it. This isn't in anyway throwing shade, because all of this is hard and hugely emotional. Just wanted to throw that out there as food for thought. |
Anonymous
| Get it cleaned out and sell it. |