Twins creating separate lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have adult twins, how separate are their lives? My 27 year olds don't have very separate lives. They went to the same college and we insisted on different roommates for freshman year, but then they lived together the other 3. They got an apartment post grad and recently bought a house together. They both have great jobs in totally different fields (one is a nurse practitioner and one is a CPA) but otherwise mostly just stick to each other. k

How was it when they were growing up? Did you dress them the same? Did you embrace their individuality or treated them as one? Did you encourage them to try separate activities growing up?
Did you encourage them to attend different colleges?

I think at 27 it's kind late to separate them if they haven't done it on their own by now. Are they introverts?

I've met a few sisters sets, not twins, who never married and lived together well into their 40s+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have twins, but my sister is married to an identical twin. The twins went to the same college; where my sister met her husband. They married right after college. The other brother had a brief marriage, but basically is a third wheel to my sister’s family. He is at their house most weekends or during the week. Sometimes they all vacation together, or the vacation alone. The other brother sometimes joins our side of the family for the holidays. The brothers are a matched set and we all accept that.

Why? Is there some reason a twin gets a pass vs just a sibling…or would the sibling get the same treatment?

Maybe - It is what it is. Nothing gonna change that.

[Anonymous]

Identical twins are a special case. It's hard for those of us who were singletons, or even fraternal twins, to imagine what it's like to have a genetically identical sibling. So be careful with the judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Identical twins are a special case. It's hard for those of us who were singletons, or even fraternal twins, to imagine what it's like to have a genetically identical sibling. So be careful with the judgment.

Judging the parenting not the twins. I work with identical twins and once you get past their physical characteristics, they are very different and "not the same person".

They both have said their parents and family always treated them as one. Parents thought it was "cute" to keep them as "twins" always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Identical twins are a special case. It's hard for those of us who were singletons, or even fraternal twins, to imagine what it's like to have a genetically identical sibling. So be careful with the judgment.

Judging the parenting not the twins. I work with identical twins and once you get past their physical characteristics, they are very different and "not the same person".

They both have said their parents and family always treated them as one. Parents thought it was "cute" to keep them as "twins" always.

I am an identical twin. We shared a lot in common. We were both top level D1 scholarship athletes. We went to college 10 miles away. I was heavily recruited by his school but it had large classes and I didn't feel comfortable with my maturity in terms of going to class so went to the private school 10 miles north.

At that point in our lives we had no parents. Father was terrifically abusive and abandoned us. College expenses - in fact any kid expenses were something he assiduously avoided. Mother was a severe addict and out of it - my brother and I were on our own. We raised each other and didn't do very well at it but survived.

Our personalities were shaped by our upbringing. My father never wanted kids and believed my mother trapped him. There may have been some truth to that. I was the second twin - in intensive care for two months after birth. Predicted by doctors to be slow and impaired, which turned out to be the opposite but my presence infuriated my father. I was the less favored son by far, and was raised as fat, dumb and lazy, a constant refrain. Signs were posted throughout the house constantly as to how fat dumb and lazy I was. My father would also post about my sexuality - a bigot he was - although I was straight. My mother went along with this because my father was well off (note he was a terrible student and got kicked out of three schools) and she loved the country club life. She struggled to get through high school and felt trapped.

All of this put huge pressure on my brother to protect me. That he did. Our senior year in high school - we were both in the top 1 percent of our large competitive high school and national champions in our sport. Save for Cal Tech, there wasn't a school which wouldn't accept us and we were highly recruited. We were miserable and frightened though - surviving top level NCAA competition and academics on our own with no support was challenging. My brother was dominant which irked me but make no mistake he led us through this. Eventually a world class PhD economist and investor, he went out of his way to have us avoid debt. Oddly, although the slightly better student (phi beta kappa in math) by the time grad school rolled around I may have done better. It took a lot of work to shed the fat dumb and lazy narrative. Our dynamics never changed though.

There were lots of reasons to avoid my father, but his hostility towards our education was significant. He hated that I did so well. I didn't talk to him for the last three decades of my life. I had my brother and that was enough. I called him four times a week.

Our differences manifested in unexpected ways. He never forgave my mother. He gave her money but just couldn't talk to her or forgive her. I did forgive her and tried to be the best son I could. I never got her to break her addictions or be an adult - her death was sad and she wanted to die.

In any event my brother died this summer. In my circumstance it is like losing a parent and brother. Logically I am well prepared to do the adult thing and will do well. Emotionally though I feel alone. The consequence of having a great twin brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


Judging the parenting not the twins. I work with identical twins and once you get past their physical characteristics, they are very different and "not the same person".

They both have said their parents and family always treated them as one. Parents thought it was "cute" to keep them as "twins" always.


I am an identical twin. We shared a lot in common. We were both top level D1 scholarship athletes. We went to college 10 miles away. I was heavily recruited by his school but it had large classes and I didn't feel comfortable with my maturity in terms of going to class so went to the private school 10 miles north.

At that point in our lives we had no parents. Father was terrifically abusive and abandoned us. College expenses - in fact any kid expenses were something he assiduously avoided. Mother was a severe addict and out of it - my brother and I were on our own. We raised each other and didn't do very well at it but survived.

Our personalities were shaped by our upbringing. My father never wanted kids and believed my mother trapped him. There may have been some truth to that. I was the second twin - in intensive care for two months after birth. Predicted by doctors to be slow and impaired, which turned out to be the opposite but my presence infuriated my father. I was the less favored son by far, and was raised as fat, dumb and lazy, a constant refrain. Signs were posted throughout the house constantly as to how fat dumb and lazy I was. My father would also post about my sexuality - a bigot he was - although I was straight. My mother went along with this because my father was well off (note he was a terrible student and got kicked out of three schools) and she loved the country club life. She struggled to get through high school and felt trapped.

All of this put huge pressure on my brother to protect me. That he did. Our senior year in high school - we were both in the top 1 percent of our large competitive high school and national champions in our sport. Save for Cal Tech, there wasn't a school which wouldn't accept us and we were highly recruited. We were miserable and frightened though - surviving top level NCAA competition and academics on our own with no support was challenging. My brother was dominant which irked me but make no mistake he led us through this. Eventually a world class PhD economist and investor, he went out of his way to have us avoid debt. Oddly, although the slightly better student (phi beta kappa in math) by the time grad school rolled around I may have done better. It took a lot of work to shed the fat dumb and lazy narrative. Our dynamics never changed though.

There were lots of reasons to avoid my father, but his hostility towards our education was significant. He hated that I did so well. I didn't talk to him for the last three decades of my life. I had my brother and that was enough. I called him four times a week.

Our differences manifested in unexpected ways. He never forgave my mother. He gave her money but just couldn't talk to her or forgive her. I did forgive her and tried to be the best son I could. I never got her to break her addictions or be an adult - her death was sad and she wanted to die.

In any event my brother died this summer. In my circumstance it is like losing a parent and brother. Logically I am well prepared to do the adult thing and will do well. Emotionally though I feel alone. The consequence of having a great twin brother.

I am so sorry for your huge loss. I am also an identical twin (sister) in my 60's. I too feel and have always felt a bigger emotional connection to my sister than to our parents (and, yes, my parents were stretched in many ways so having each other was a true blessing). We are both still alive and I text or talk to her daily.

[Anonymous]

I have 19y old fraternal boys. They had the same friends in elem/middle school but by HS had different friend groups (with some overlap.) They ended up going to the same college (due to scholarship) and interact about 50% of the time. They don't live together and have different majors, but have an overlapping sport - so they see each other a few times a week.

[Anonymous]

It sort of doesn’t matter because at this age you don’t get a vote.

Did you dress them alike when they were little? Put them in separate classes?

Do they have other siblings?

Have they had romantic relationships?

Again, what matters is if they are happy and healthy. There is more than one way for that to look.

[Anonymous]

I knew two twin women who shared one job. They lived together, traveled together. You always saw them together (in the workplace). It seemed like they considered themselves one person. It seemed odd, but was how they went through life.

One is dead now, but I am not close enough to inquire about how the survivor is managing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew two twin women who shared one job. They lived together, traveled together. You always saw them together (in the workplace). It seemed like they considered themselves one person. It seemed odd, but was how they went through life.

One is dead now, but I am not close enough to inquire about how the survivor is managing.

twin means two. so you say ' a set of twins' or twin women. Not two twin women

[Anonymous]

I'm a 53yo twin. Not identical. My parents put us in different classes growing up. We did not always dress alike but sometimes chose to. They did insist we attend the same college though so they could visit easier/not have 2 different parents weekends etc. We lived on the same floor but with different roommates our Freshman year - our choice. We never lived in the same place again. She moved off campus with her roommate and a couple of others, and I lived on campus. After college, we went to grad schools in 2 different cities. We live 3 hour flight apart now and have our own families but are close like 2 sisters. We talk on the phone often and see each other several times a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 53yo twin. Not identical. My parents put us in different classes growing up. We did not always dress alike but sometimes chose to. They did insist we attend the same college though so they could visit easier/not have 2 different parents weekends etc. We lived on the same floor but with different roommates our Freshman year - our choice. We never lived in the same place again. She moved off campus with her roommate and a couple of others, and I lived on campus. After college, we went to grad schools in 2 different cities. We live 3 hour flight apart now and have our own families but are close like 2 sisters. We talk on the phone often and see each other several times a year.

I see this comment many times with twins, but not for siblings that are one year apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have twins, but my sister is married to an identical twin. The twins went to the same college; where my sister met her husband. They married right after college. The other brother had a brief marriage, but basically is a third wheel to my sister’s family. He is at their house most weekends or during the week. Sometimes they all vacation together, or the vacation alone. The other brother sometimes joins our side of the family for the holidays. The brothers are a matched set and we all accept that.

Why? Is there some reason a twin gets a pass vs just a sibling…or would the sibling get the same treatment?

Identical twins more likely have a much more special bond than just regular siblings. I have ID twins and I see this in them. It is not your typical sibling relationship and I would venture to say it is usually more close than a fraternal twin situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious what the moral is here…make sure twins attend different colleges? Have different friend groups in HS?

…or you want them to be attached for life?

Moral is that each twin deserves to be an individual and their romantic partner shouldn't feel like third wheel. Having a strong bond with a sibling (twin or not) doesn't mean becoming an extra appendage to them.

You should read One and the Same by Abigail Pogrebin about identical twin relationships. Tiki Barber is an ID twin and in the book he states that his wife and his twin's wife were made aware and agreed that the brothers' relationship was very important, and as important as the marriages, and the wives needed to be on board with that.

https://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2009/10/tiki-ronde-barber-excerpt-200910#:~:text=%E2%80%9CLet%20me%20answer%20it%20this,we're%20still%20one.%E2%80%9D

"All three Barbers I spoke to tiptoe around the question of how the wives handle the twinship. “Let me answer it this way,” says Geraldine. “Do they understand it? I’d say, ‘Not totally.’ Do they respect it? Definitely.”

“When we’re all together, it’s a great foursome,” Ronde says. “But at the end of the day, we all know who’s making the decisions. It will come down to what Tiki and I want to do, because that’s the Relationship. So you figure out the psychodynamics of that … “

Tiki echoes him: “I think our bond is the strongest it’s ever been and the strongest bond that there possibly is. Greater than marriage. I’m closer to Ronde, without a doubt. And that will never change.” I tell each Barber that some twins’ relationships have struck me as a kind of love story and I wonder if they find that’s a fitting analogy. Ronde nods. “We see beyond who we pretend to be. I know who he really is, he knows who I really am, and if you were writing a love story, that’s what it would be. All those romantic ideals—‘conquers all,’ ‘stands the test of time’—yes. That’s certainly the case with us.” Tiki agrees that twinship is “a perfect intimacy.”

“It starts from the zygote splitting and one destined person becoming two,” he continues. “And while we go our separate ways in life and our experiences vary, at the end of the day, we’re still one.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew two twin women who shared one job. They lived together, traveled together. You always saw them together (in the workplace). It seemed like they considered themselves one person. It seemed odd, but was how they went through life.

One is dead now, but I am not close enough to inquire about how the survivor is managing.

twin means two. so you say ' a set of twins' or twin women. Not two twin women

Thanks, but I did not pay extra for the grammar-checking version of DCUM (ie, your post is pedantic and irrelevant to the point if of this thread).