Dating someone who works in politics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh lord you are mad lol. But, I would be too. That's annoying.

I would just shut it down every time it comes up. And if it keeps coming up to the point that you're constantly shutting it down, I would shut this down.

I am mad! I am mad that he wanted to debate a political issue with me when a) I didn't even disagree with him and b) I had a bad day. I didn't call and say "Let's debate hot button issue." I called and said "I had a bad day," mentioned I was reading the news, and then was verbally bombarded with "DID YOU READ THIS LET'S DISCUSS THIS NO YOU'RE EVADING THE QUESTION." Like, dude, chill. I am literally just learning about it now for the first effing time.

I don't want to be one of those couples that can't talk politics, although in this case it would be less about disagreeing and more about the fact that even when I do agree with him, I'm treated like opposing counsel.

3:13 here. Sometimes I have to tell dh that I am not the enemy here. You need to push back for your own sanity’s sake. Either he’ll figure it out or he won’t.

That’s perfect verbiage, thanks. That’s exactly what it feels like - being treated like the enemy

Him: “Here’s a policy I don’t like. It is the worst policy in the world.”
Me: “Yeah, it’s pretty bad.”
Him: “The person responsible for this policy should be murdered by vigilante bandits and anyone who supports it hates America.”
Me: “Well-“
Him: “Oh so you hate America and want kids to die? Cool.“

Like wtf lol. I agreed with you! And I cannot stress this enough but in the case of the discussion that inspired this post, I was like, “Oh huh I haven’t even heard of that decision. I’ll read up on it!” He reacted like I had said “Oh I’m actually the person who made that decision and I did it just to spite you and your coworkers.”

I actually did try discussing this with him once before, but I fear I was too soft. I was like, I love how passionate you are but you cannot seriously speak to people this way, do you? And he was like that’s just my style, so I said anyone who supports XYZ is a murderous traitor who deserves to be hanged in the town square, what like you don’t have opinions?

I’ve also tried pointing out that discourse like the kind he engages in is how we got to where we are. I was like “You wouldn’t like it very much if the other side spoke to you like this, would you?” and the cop out he gave in response was “Yeah but they already do. I’m not going to be nice to them just so they’ll maybe be nice to me. Also they deserve my contempt!”

The annoying thing is aside from this, he’s an incredible boyfriend. Thoughtful, supportive, generous. But every few weeks he gets a bee in his bonnet and no matter how strongly I’m like “Yeah that’s bad” he talks to me like I’m the bad guy!

Anyway I can’t sleep so I’m just venting again. Thanks guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh lord you are mad lol. But, I would be too. That's annoying.

I would just shut it down every time it comes up. And if it keeps coming up to the point that you're constantly shutting it down, I would shut this down.

I am mad! I am mad that he wanted to debate a political issue with me when a) I didn't even disagree with him and b) I had a bad day. I didn't call and say "Let's debate hot button issue." I called and said "I had a bad day," mentioned I was reading the news, and then was verbally bombarded with "DID YOU READ THIS LET'S DISCUSS THIS NO YOU'RE EVADING THE QUESTION." Like, dude, chill. I am literally just learning about it now for the first effing time.

I don't want to be one of those couples that can't talk politics, although in this case it would be less about disagreeing and more about the fact that even when I do agree with him, I'm treated like opposing counsel.

3:13 here. Sometimes I have to tell dh that I am not the enemy here. You need to push back for your own sanity’s sake. Either he’ll figure it out or he won’t.

That’s perfect verbiage, thanks. That’s exactly what it feels like - being treated like the enemy

Him: “Here’s a policy I don’t like. It is the worst policy in the world.”
Me: “Yeah, it’s pretty bad.”
Him: “The person responsible for this policy should be murdered by vigilante bandits and anyone who supports it hates America.”
Me: “Well-“
Him: “Oh so you hate America and want kids to die? Cool.“

Like wtf lol. I agreed with you! And I cannot stress this enough but in the case of the discussion that inspired this post, I was like, “Oh huh I haven’t even heard of that decision. I’ll read up on it!” He reacted like I had said “Oh I’m actually the person who made that decision and I did it just to spite you and your coworkers.”

I actually did try discussing this with him once before, but I fear I was too soft. I was like, I love how passionate you are but you cannot seriously speak to people this way, do you? And he was like that’s just my style, so I said anyone who supports XYZ is a murderous traitor who deserves to be hanged in the town square, what like you don’t have opinions?

I’ve also tried pointing out that discourse like the kind he engages in is how we got to where we are. I was like “You wouldn’t like it very much if the other side spoke to you like this, would you?” and the cop out he gave in response was “Yeah but they already do. I’m not going to be nice to them just so they’ll maybe be nice to me. Also they deserve my contempt!”

The annoying thing is aside from this, he’s an incredible boyfriend. Thoughtful, supportive, generous. But every few weeks he gets a bee in his bonnet and no matter how strongly I’m like “Yeah that’s bad” he talks to me like I’m the bad guy!

Anyway I can’t sleep so I’m just venting again. Thanks guys.

So for 6 months he’s been getting worse to the point that he’s being combative every few weeks. Do you think he’ll be better as the election approaches? Do you think stressors such as a wedding, purchasing a home, and having children will help him chill or make him lash out more? And even if he gets over those hurdles, what about raising children? What happens if the children don’t fall in line?

What if he was perfect except every 3 weeks he punched you? Or had an affair? Or told you you’re fat or bad in bed? Where’s the line? He’s picking a topic that he knows will cause a fight so he can have a fight with you. He wants to belittle you and come out on top, plus have you apologize and boost his ego by telling him he’s right. It might be that he can hold it in for a few weeks or he might just do it when he’s in a funk. But damn, is this what you want? Is the mediocrity of a decent boyfriend worth 3 good weeks in exchange for this nonsense and probably a week to get over the fight? Do you want to spend 1/4 of your life fighting with or figuring out how to tolerate the fights with some political hack? Why do you think the other women aren’t with him anymore? Are you hoping he’ll change or do you want to be the one who lowers her standards to accept this kind of soul sucking, demeaning, draining relationship where you can’t get some comfort when you have a bad day? If he can’t make you feel better when you have a bad day, do you think it’ll be easier or harder for him to be supportive when there’s a real issue such as job loss or health problems? If he can’t articulate that he’s having a bad day and instead picks a fight with you, do you think that will get better or worse with time after you’ve formed a habit of tolerating this for months or years?

Is he who you want to settle for? Even for people who settle, he sounds subpar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh lord you are mad lol. But, I would be too. That's annoying.

I would just shut it down every time it comes up. And if it keeps coming up to the point that you're constantly shutting it down, I would shut this down.

I am mad! I am mad that he wanted to debate a political issue with me when a) I didn't even disagree with him and b) I had a bad day. I didn't call and say "Let's debate hot button issue." I called and said "I had a bad day," mentioned I was reading the news, and then was verbally bombarded with "DID YOU READ THIS LET'S DISCUSS THIS NO YOU'RE EVADING THE QUESTION." Like, dude, chill. I am literally just learning about it now for the first effing time.

I don't want to be one of those couples that can't talk politics, although in this case it would be less about disagreeing and more about the fact that even when I do agree with him, I'm treated like opposing counsel.

3:13 here. Sometimes I have to tell dh that I am not the enemy here. You need to push back for your own sanity’s sake. Either he’ll figure it out or he won’t.

That’s perfect verbiage, thanks. That’s exactly what it feels like - being treated like the enemy

Him: “Here’s a policy I don’t like. It is the worst policy in the world.”
Me: “Yeah, it’s pretty bad.”
Him: “The person responsible for this policy should be murdered by vigilante bandits and anyone who supports it hates America.”
Me: “Well-“
Him: “Oh so you hate America and want kids to die? Cool.“

Like wtf lol. I agreed with you! And I cannot stress this enough but in the case of the discussion that inspired this post, I was like, “Oh huh I haven’t even heard of that decision. I’ll read up on it!” He reacted like I had said “Oh I’m actually the person who made that decision and I did it just to spite you and your coworkers.”

I actually did try discussing this with him once before, but I fear I was too soft. I was like, I love how passionate you are but you cannot seriously speak to people this way, do you? And he was like that’s just my style, so I said anyone who supports XYZ is a murderous traitor who deserves to be hanged in the town square, what like you don’t have opinions?

I’ve also tried pointing out that discourse like the kind he engages in is how we got to where we are. I was like “You wouldn’t like it very much if the other side spoke to you like this, would you?” and the cop out he gave in response was “Yeah but they already do. I’m not going to be nice to them just so they’ll maybe be nice to me. Also they deserve my contempt!”

The annoying thing is aside from this, he’s an incredible boyfriend. Thoughtful, supportive, generous. But every few weeks he gets a bee in his bonnet and no matter how strongly I’m like “Yeah that’s bad” he talks to me like I’m the bad guy!

Anyway I can’t sleep so I’m just venting again. Thanks guys.

So for 6 months he’s been getting worse to the point that he’s being combative every few weeks. Do you think he’ll be better as the election approaches? Do you think stressors such as a wedding, purchasing a home, and having children will help him chill or make him lash out more? And even if he gets over those hurdles, what about raising children? What happens if the children don’t fall in line?

What if he was perfect except every 3 weeks he punched you? Or had an affair? Or told you you’re fat or bad in bed? Where’s the line? He’s picking a topic that he knows will cause a fight so he can have a fight with you. He wants to belittle you and come out on top, plus have you apologize and boost his ego by telling him he’s right. It might be that he can hold it in for a few weeks or he might just do it when he’s in a funk. But damn, is this what you want? Is the mediocrity of a decent boyfriend worth 3 good weeks in exchange for this nonsense and probably a week to get over the fight? Do you want to spend 1/4 of your life fighting with or figuring out how to tolerate the fights with some political hack? Why do you think the other women aren’t with him anymore? Are you hoping he’ll change or do you want to be the one who lowers her standards to accept this kind of soul sucking, demeaning, draining relationship where you can’t get some comfort when you have a bad day? If he can’t make you feel better when you have a bad day, do you think it’ll be easier or harder for him to be supportive when there’s a real issue such as job loss or health problems? If he can’t articulate that he’s having a bad day and instead picks a fight with you, do you think that will get better or worse with time after you’ve formed a habit of tolerating this for months or years?

Is he who you want to settle for? Even for people who settle, he sounds subpar.

Seems a tad dramatic. Sounds like the guy is just super into politics, not like he’s an abuser.

[Anonymous]

Just remember: in long term relationships, the things you think are cute in the beginning will drive you crazy (not in a good way) later on. So, imagine the things that are driving you crazy now, 6 months in. He’s only going to get more combative. Sit him down and have a serious discussion, see how he responds, and if he then tweaks his behavior. Otherwise you’re headed down a bad path.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it's not about politics it's about him.

DH works in politics and is...passionate. I have had to remind him that I don't tell him every detail of every research article I read today or every client I met with, and to separate work from home a little more. He used to tell me minute details of some bill that was passed or whatever until my eyes glazed over. I still have to tell him "that sounds interesting - what's the short version?"

Like any part of a relationship, COMMUNICATE. And if they can't adjust and you don't like it, they're not for you.

[Anonymous]

You sound insecure OP

What he said to you at the end was extremely rude. I could be doing work? He’s stressed sure but that’s his way of getting out of a conversation?

And you also sound possibly codependent. You call him with emotional needs in the middle of work — fine, ok — then he responds non optimally and you can’t speak up for yourself, you consider sending a FU text that you’d probably regret and undo and then you ask on here with the clear intent of getting a green light for him.

I see some red flags here — he’s way too wrapped up in being heard on his point of view. That will translate to issues down the line. In addition he is passionate about something while you want him to be passionate about you, and you are actually not passionate about him being him, which includes this obnoxious habit of foregrounding his own interests and expecting everyone to see things as he does. You guys are not a match and he’s not as good of a boyfriend as you think. Do some work to figure out why you are afraid to lose this doomed relationship.

[Anonymous]

“He’s picking a topic that he knows will cause a fight so he can have a fight with you“

This is an interesting observation. I married a guy like that for 15 years. Now he just does it to our kids. One gets upset. One ignores it. It is “fun” for some people.

[Anonymous]

OP, as with everything, you don't need to choose this. You are entitled to a life you want. This shouldn't be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound insecure OP

What he said to you at the end was extremely rude. I could be doing work? He’s stressed sure but that’s his way of getting out of a conversation?

And you also sound possibly codependent. You call him with emotional needs in the middle of work — fine, ok — then he responds non optimally and you can’t speak up for yourself, you consider sending a FU text that you’d probably regret and undo and then you ask on here with the clear intent of getting a green light for him.

I see some red flags here — he’s way too wrapped up in being heard on his point of view. That will translate to issues down the line. In addition he is passionate about something while you want him to be passionate about you, and you are actually not passionate about him being him, which includes this obnoxious habit of foregrounding his own interests and expecting everyone to see things as he does. You guys are not a match and he’s not as good of a boyfriend as you think. Do some work to figure out why you are afraid to lose this doomed relationship.

I called him at like, 8 or 9pm. Idk. Whenever my OP was posted, that was not long after I called him. I did not call him during the middle of the work day with emotional needs. I called him at a reasonable hour not knowing he was working.

And I clearly said I would not be sending that text but that that was what I wanted to do on a more primal level but obviously stated that wouldn’t be appropriate. I wasn’t trying to get a green light for anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they think you are a catch then want the ring right there and then. Women give the impression that they have lots of choices because men always pursue them , but they are well aware of quality issues

Ring at 1 Year guy has come in.

[Anonymous]

This is likely the sanest he'll ever be OP. Who knows what kind of lunacy he'll get sucked into in the long run. If he can't shut it off with you now it's only going to get weirder.

[Anonymous]

Your boyfriend sounds like he sucks. I work in politics and I’m definitely not like this. I don’t think it’s his job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“He’s picking a topic that he knows will cause a fight so he can have a fight with you“

This is an interesting observation. I married a guy like that for 15 years. Now he just does it to our kids. One gets upset. One ignores it. It is “fun” for some people.

It was explained to me that some people get a dopamine hit from fights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they think you are a catch then want the ring right there and then. Women give the impression that they have lots of choices because men always pursue them , but they are well aware of quality issues

Ring at 1 Year guy has come in.

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's a lawyer for a political organization based on the argumentative conversations. Just started pleading the 5th.

"How about them Nationals?"