Friend whose child has behavioral issues keeps insisting he's misunderstood and gifted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gifted kids don't get bored and behave badly in schools. That's a myth. Truly gifted children always find something to engage themselves.

As far as what you should do, I am going with nod passively and ignore. I'm sure the cognitive dissonance is hard for her. And she's not likely to suddenly listen to YOU.

Yup, this. I have a family member who was a gifted child. Extremely gifted. Went to college at 15 and finished in two years type gifted.

The first few years of school while he was bored with the work, he always found ways to keep himself busy.

This description is usually by parents of very young children who don't want to deal with behavioral issues.

[Anonymous]

Behavior issues doesn't mean the child is gifted or not. They are separate aspects.

Being a parent in that spot isn't easy. But I don't think services would help, I'd go through the motions to show that I tried my best to suggestions by the school, then I am on a better footing to discuss with school of what could be done.

Just flat out refusing service while having no alternative isn't responsible. I understand they might think it's waste of time, but they should still do it. We live in a society and other people's opinion matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some questions you might ask her would be:

Has the school done a neuropsych. eval to make these recommendations? (the answer is prob yes, in which case you reply...) "and did the classroom observations by the evaluator that were described in the report line up with the teacher feedback you've received?" That might open her eyes a bit.

If the school or a private psychologist has not done an evaluation yet, I would recommend they look into getting one so that they have some information about where the behaviors are coming from.

As a longtime educator, I can agree with the above poster that bored gifted children don't behave badly. Total myth made up by parents who don't want to accept that their child is a behavior problem.

Shame on you. As an educator, you should know that children can be born with a high IQ (which is what gifted actually means), and also have a diagnosis (singular or plural), such as ADHD, autism, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dysgraphia, etc. They are called GT/LD (gifted, talented and learning disabled), or twice exceptional children. One or both parents are often the same. It runs in families.

EDUCATE YOURSELF.

We have found the parent educator PP was talking about. Thanks for self-identifying.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The friend in question asked us specifically what she should do or else I wouldn't even contemplate weighing in. This is her only child, too, and it's just a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And, you are shaming them here, why?

Shaming is an overused term and often misused. This is anonymous. I don’t think there’s much you can do. You’ve already realized she’s not open to the idea that her child might need some help with social skills. Academically gifted kids don’t act up or get bored. That’s a big lie made by too many parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gifted kids don't get bored and behave badly in schools. That's a myth. Truly gifted children always find something to engage themselves.

As far as what you should do, I am going with nod passively and ignore. I'm sure the cognitive dissonance is hard for her. And she's not likely to suddenly listen to YOU.

Sure they do. But they can also be immature for their age, with or without any of issues that may be comorbid, and those behaviors are not yet developmentally inappropriate for a kindergartner.

Being immature for their age does mean that they act up. Acting up or being disruptive or aggressive or overall not getting along has nothing to do with gifted or immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The friend in question asked us specifically what she should do or else I wouldn't even contemplate weighing in. This is her only child, too, and it's just a lot.

This is one of those times where you feign ignorance. Let the school handle it. It's like you never really tell your friend what you think of their husband, or whether they look like they've gained weighed, or their new haircut sucks. You just say "that sounds tough" without being judgmental or saying something that will cause her to turn on you if you value the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some questions you might ask her would be:

Has the school done a neuropsych. eval to make these recommendations? (the answer is prob yes, in which case you reply...) "and did the classroom observations by the evaluator that were described in the report line up with the teacher feedback you've received?" That might open her eyes a bit.

If the school or a private psychologist has not done an evaluation yet, I would recommend they look into getting one so that they have some information about where the behaviors are coming from.

As a longtime educator, I can agree with the above poster that bored gifted children don't behave badly. Total myth made up by parents who don't want to accept that their child is a behavior problem.

Shame on you. As an educator, you should know that children can be born with a high IQ (which is what gifted actually means), and also have a diagnosis (singular or plural), such as ADHD, autism, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dysgraphia, etc. They are called GT/LD (gifted, talented and learning disabled), or twice exceptional children. One or both parents are often the same. It runs in families.

EDUCATE YOURSELF.

I'm the one you're replying to. No kidding. That's not what I was saying. I'm saying that being bored because you're too smart for the material is not the main cause of behavior problems. Which is why I suggested they get testing to find out the root cause. I work at a school for children with language disorders, and I can attest that the majority of them also have other diagnoses, such as ADHD, anxiety.

Sounds like maybe you should attend my school to work on your reading comprehension skills.

Ack that the person who thinks schools perform neuropsych evals works at a school for kids with language disorders. Only a neuropsychologist can perform a neuropsychological evaluation. Public schools don’t have those on staff. The assessment that the school does is not a neuropsych and does not diagnose a child. It finds areas of educational deficits and needs.

They don’t have them on staff but I thought they outsourced them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gifted kids don't get bored and behave badly in schools. That's a myth. Truly gifted children always find something to engage themselves.

As far as what you should do, I am going with nod passively and ignore. I'm sure the cognitive dissonance is hard for her. And she's not likely to suddenly listen to YOU.

Sure they do. But they can also be immature for their age, with or without any of issues that may be comorbid, and those behaviors are not yet developmentally inappropriate for a kindergartner.

I spent almost the entire fourth grade out in the hallway because I would finish work early, be bored and then chit chat with otjerr kids, so the teacher would just send me into the hallway. I’d grab a book if I could. She also used to make me grade the other kids papers. Anyway, sometimes bored kids act out.

Also lots of high IQ kids also have ADHD which causes them to act immaturely at that age. So the kid could very well be 2E. The services might or might not be appropriate for a 2E kid. My kid had lots of teachers that weee able to challenge him appropriately but one who was not—we arrived at a deal in which she would just let him read all class. It wasn’t perfect but they were both happy with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The friend in question asked us specifically what she should do or else I wouldn't even contemplate weighing in. This is her only child, too, and it's just a lot.

thats easy just tell her oh yeah she is probably gifted you have to get a test done by a private provider so you can take it to the school and then they will know they are wrong in this situation

if the kid has issues the neuro eval will make note of it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The friend in question asked us specifically what she should do or else I wouldn't even contemplate weighing in. This is her only child, too, and it's just a lot.

This is one of those times where you feign ignorance. Let the school handle it. It's like you never really tell your friend what you think of their husband, or whether they look like they've gained weighed, or their new haircut sucks. You just say "that sounds tough" without being judgmental or saying something that will cause her to turn on you if you value the friendship.

You’re a nosy 🐷

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The friend in question asked us specifically what she should do or else I wouldn't even contemplate weighing in. This is her only child, too, and it's just a lot.

This is one of those times where you feign ignorance. Let the school handle it. It's like you never really tell your friend what you think of their husband, or whether they look like they've gained weighed, or their new haircut sucks. You just say "that sounds tough" without being judgmental or saying something that will cause her to turn on you if you value the friendship.

You’re a nosy 🐷

How is it nosy to say butt out and keep your opinions to yourself? What kind of busy body are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see diagnosing kids or describing their bad behavior as part of my friendship duties, unless I’m explicitly asked what I think.

In fact if I’m explicitly asked something general by a friend like this I’d probably say something like “I love Larla and you so much, it would be hard for me to be impartial. This sounds really stressful, I’m sorry you’re going through it.”

Or idk some better version of that, more specific or whatever. Just turn it to whatever is positive and true about the kid and focus on supporting your friend through a very hard moment which is surely very hard for any parent and she is probably acting in good faith even if she is wrong.

The bolded, 100%. Unless you are actually trained in diagnosing kids you have no business doing so. What I would say (since it is true) is that I'd recommend asking what the school plans to provide (it could be beneficial even if the parent doesn't like the school's label), and recommend your friend ask for an neuropsych eval (if the school is labeling the kid the darn well better be diagnosing them too). I personally have known several kids whose parents have shared their child's diagnosis and I've had zero idea from knowing the kid that there was a diagnosis. Some kids it was obvious, a lot I just thought were quirky. This just goes to show that knowing the kid casually does NOT make you an expert in whether the child should have a diagnosis. With my own kids, none of whom have a diagnosis, i have nevertheless found it helpful to try a lot of different parenting approaches, some of which I've learned from friends who parent kids with a diagnosis. So your friend could learn something even if the school isn't 100% correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gifted kids don't get bored and behave badly in schools. That's a myth. Truly gifted children always find something to engage themselves.

As far as what you should do, I am going with nod passively and ignore. I'm sure the cognitive dissonance is hard for her. And she's not likely to suddenly listen to YOU.

I get this if the kid is allowed to engage with something else. Some early elementary teachers do things like require prolonged sitting where the kid is forced to engage in content they have already mastered. It happens for sure. Or in your view what is the truly gifted kid doing in this situation? Floating away somewhere else in their brain?

Yes, exactly- which is also not acceptable to certain teachers because the kid is not “paying attention”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The friend in question asked us specifically what she should do or else I wouldn't even contemplate weighing in. This is her only child, too, and it's just a lot.

Here is how you weigh in.

"I don't know the medical part of this issue. I only know that politically, it's helpful to go through the services the school is recommending, even when it is a waste of time. You show you are receptive to advices, and you are cooperating. You are building a relationship with school and teachers so that they would eventually see your point of view. It's not going to be quick and easy, what you need is patience and persuasive skills, even when it means that you are going through the motion for things you don't agree with."