Friend whose child has behavioral issues keeps insisting he's misunderstood and gifted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gifted kids don't get bored and behave badly in schools. That's a myth. Truly gifted children always find something to engage themselves.

As far as what you should do, I am going with nod passively and ignore. I'm sure the cognitive dissonance is hard for her. And she's not likely to suddenly listen to YOU.

I get this if the kid is allowed to engage with something else. Some early elementary teachers do things like require prolonged sitting where the kid is forced to engage in content they have already mastered. It happens for sure. Or in your view what is the truly gifted kid doing in this situation? Floating away somewhere else in their brain?

Yes, exactly- which is also not acceptable to certain teachers because the kid is not “paying attention”

+2

[Anonymous]

Is your friend’s daughter still 5 and socially immature? When does she turn 6 or is she one of the oldest for kindergarten?

[Anonymous]

Let people have their fantasies. I had a Mom say to me that her daughter was going to TJ at age 8. I thought that was totally preposterous to say. Sure enough, kid didn't get in. My child, who I discouraged from applying, got in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some questions you might ask her would be:

Has the school done a neuropsych. eval to make these recommendations? (the answer is prob yes, in which case you reply...) "and did the classroom observations by the evaluator that were described in the report line up with the teacher feedback you've received?" That might open her eyes a bit.

If the school or a private psychologist has not done an evaluation yet, I would recommend they look into getting one so that they have some information about where the behaviors are coming from.

As a longtime educator, I can agree with the above poster that bored gifted children don't behave badly. Total myth made up by parents who don't want to accept that their child is a behavior problem.

I didn’t read your whole post but schools don’t do neuropsych evals. Ever. So there’s that.

Well, that's not what they call them, but often it has many of the same components.. Depends on the district/county, but where I live it's called an Evaluation Report. If you get it done privately, it's a neuropsych or psychoeducational eval.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some questions you might ask her would be:

Has the school done a neuropsych. eval to make these recommendations? (the answer is prob yes, in which case you reply...) "and did the classroom observations by the evaluator that were described in the report line up with the teacher feedback you've received?" That might open her eyes a bit.

If the school or a private psychologist has not done an evaluation yet, I would recommend they look into getting one so that they have some information about where the behaviors are coming from.

As a longtime educator, I can agree with the above poster that bored gifted children don't behave badly. Total myth made up by parents who don't want to accept that their child is a behavior problem.

Shame on you. As an educator, you should know that children can be born with a high IQ (which is what gifted actually means), and also have a diagnosis (singular or plural), such as ADHD, autism, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dysgraphia, etc. They are called GT/LD (gifted, talented and learning disabled), or twice exceptional children. One or both parents are often the same. It runs in families.

EDUCATE YOURSELF.

I'm the one you're replying to. No kidding. That's not what I was saying. I'm saying that being bored because you're too smart for the material is not the main cause of behavior problems. Which is why I suggested they get testing to find out the root cause. I work at a school for children with language disorders, and I can attest that the majority of them also have other diagnoses, such as ADHD, anxiety.

Sounds like maybe you should attend my school to work on your reading comprehension skills.

Ack that the person who thinks schools perform neuropsych evals works at a school for kids with language disorders. Only a neuropsychologist can perform a neuropsychological evaluation. Public schools don’t have those on staff. The assessment that the school does is not a neuropsych and does not diagnose a child. It finds areas of educational deficits and needs.

This is just absolutely false. Your information is really inaccurate. I'm the person you're referring to in your post. As part of my role at my school, I review the neuropsych evals and district evaluation reports alongside our school psychologist. It's part of our admissions process. Most neuropsychs are done by psychologists - not necessarily a "neuropsychologist". Furthermore, the assessment that the public schools do absolutely can diagnose a child - there's a long list of diagnoses that they use, and although they will not be as precise as when a neuropsych (or psychoeducational eval) is done, they still have diagnosis codes.

[Anonymous]

I’d tell her that her child might be gifted and should be tested for that to show the school.
Also, many gifted kids have learning challenges that an evaluation can detect so she can better shoot how gifted she is.

Sounds like she has adhd.

[Anonymous]

If my friend literally asked me “would you take these services if you were me?” Then, I would say “yes, I would follow the school’s guidance and take the services.” That is truthful and not weighing in on anything specific to the kid. If my friend then freaked out and said “how dare you, you know my kid is gifted!” I would either say “you can be gifted and still get a lot of great help from different types of services” or “well, you know your child best” and keep it moving.

The reality is that it becomes very tough to stay close to people that ignore kid behavioral issues. Some kids certainly just “grow up on their own,” but many don’t. Your kids aren’t going to put up with it and neither are you — in the long run.

I say this as a mom of a kid with severe intellectual disability and autism. I’m not casting stones — it is just the truth. I have a niece whose parents refused to get their kid help and they are now running to a charter school (which isn’t going to work either), because they cannot bear the frank feedback they got in first grade. As kids get older, fewer and fewer people are going to tolerate my niece’s inability to hold a conversation, tantrums, etc. And she is a smart kid who has a ton of potential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a twice exceptional kid: high IQ, autism, ADHD. Such kids can indeed be gifted and yet have behavioral issues and need services and accommodations.

For the sake of her child, you need to speak up, and say that of course her child is gifted! But the behaviors are there, and he needs to be evaulauted so he can get the best services and accommodations. This is the BEST solution so he can thrive as he develops.

She might take a long time to realize the truth of this. She might temporarily resent you. But you are acting in the best interest of her child, which is, by far and away, the most important thing here. Early intervention is KEY.

I was receptive to the teachers' suggestions about my child, and we did a lot of training, OT, speech, PT, etc, along with an IEP plan at school. Thanks to all the years of support he got, he was able to do very well in school, and he's now in college. The parents I know who were in denial ended up really stressed out later on as they realized they had closed doors for their kids. Some things can't be corrected later.

We recently had our little one in 2nd grade get tested (IQ 150) and they were bored and had behaviors during math but also found out they were dyslexic. This wasn't hitting, pushing, or bitting. The behaviors during math were not wanting to show work and saying answers out loud 📢. In reading it was task avoidance due to dyslexia. If the school is recommending services, I would go ahead and take them. We had to advocate for years because of our little ones IQ they were able to get by but not thrive. Hopefully now that they will get reading, OT, and behavior things will be better for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some questions you might ask her would be:

Has the school done a neuropsych. eval to make these recommendations? (the answer is prob yes, in which case you reply...) "and did the classroom observations by the evaluator that were described in the report line up with the teacher feedback you've received?" That might open her eyes a bit.

If the school or a private psychologist has not done an evaluation yet, I would recommend they look into getting one so that they have some information about where the behaviors are coming from.

As a longtime educator, I can agree with the above poster that bored gifted children don't behave badly. Total myth made up by parents who don't want to accept that their child is a behavior problem.

Shame on you. As an educator, you should know that children can be born with a high IQ (which is what gifted actually means), and also have a diagnosis (singular or plural), such as ADHD, autism, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dysgraphia, etc. They are called GT/LD (gifted, talented and learning disabled), or twice exceptional children. One or both parents are often the same. It runs in families.

EDUCATE YOURSELF.

Precisely what makes your kid “gifted”? Gifted isn’t just ALLEGED IQ, it’s self control, impulse control, and being able to apply and build upon the alleged raw intelligence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am close with three other mothers; kids are in the same K class - and apparently one child has been recommended for a special SEL curriculum and intervention for first grade, within our school, due to her classroom behaviors, which we have all noticed on playdates and parties etc (hitting, pushing, can't sit still). We are on a text thread with the mom/friend, who is complaining about the fact that her child is being "targeted" just because she is very gifted, saying the reason she acts out is due to boredom and that she thinks the classroom teacher is exaggerating the behavior and wants to refuse services. Would it be doing an injustice to the friendship to listen passively, or should we/someone point out that we have seen this behavior too and encourage her to take the service offered?

Nobody calls their baby ugly. Or dumb. Or spirited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am close with three other mothers; kids are in the same K class - and apparently one child has been recommended for a special SEL curriculum and intervention for first grade, within our school, due to her classroom behaviors, which we have all noticed on playdates and parties etc (hitting, pushing, can't sit still). We are on a text thread with the mom/friend, who is complaining about the fact that her child is being "targeted" just because she is very gifted, saying the reason she acts out is due to boredom and that she thinks the classroom teacher is exaggerating the behavior and wants to refuse services. Would it be doing an injustice to the friendship to listen passively, or should we/someone point out that we have seen this behavior too and encourage her to take the service offered?

I know this is a bit late, but gifted and high IQ children do often have behavior problems in the early grades due to boredom. The other mom in your group text isn't just coming up with that excuse to help her cope. School personnel don't always know what the situation is because they are trained in education, not psychology. So, whether you believe her child is gifted or not is irrelevant. The other mom should have her child evaluated in a clinical setting with a real professional and make an informed decision from there. You should just totally stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

If you say anything you will lose the friendship. And it won't help this child. MYOB and let it play out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you say anything you will lose the friendship. And it won't help this child. MYOB and let it play out.

That is the bottom line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some questions you might ask her would be:

Has the school done a neuropsych. eval to make these recommendations? (the answer is prob yes, in which case you reply...) "and did the classroom observations by the evaluator that were described in the report line up with the teacher feedback you've received?" That might open her eyes a bit.

If the school or a private psychologist has not done an evaluation yet, I would recommend they look into getting one so that they have some information about where the behaviors are coming from.

As a longtime educator, I can agree with the above poster that bored gifted children don't behave badly. Total myth made up by parents who don't want to accept that their child is a behavior problem.

Shame on you. As an educator, you should know that children can be born with a high IQ (which is what gifted actually means), and also have a diagnosis (singular or plural), such as ADHD, autism, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dysgraphia, etc. They are called GT/LD (gifted, talented and learning disabled), or twice exceptional children. One or both parents are often the same. It runs in families.

EDUCATE YOURSELF.

Precisely what makes your kid “gifted”? Gifted isn’t just ALLEGED IQ, it’s self control, impulse control, and being able to apply and build upon the alleged raw intelligence.

This has little to do with the original post but I cant help but strongly disagree. Kids with high IQ and low inpulse control are still gifted. IQ does equal gifted, regardless of how that shows in daily behavior. A well behaved child with lower IQ is not gifted. They are just well behaved... two different things

[Anonymous]

Friendship is one thing her ego another