Is it too late for me to ever feel taken care of?

[Anonymous]

I feel you OP. I have always craved a mother figure who can love me unconditionally and offer guidance on life (my mother was very neglectful and emotionally stunted). I now bring comfort to myself, I realized I don't need a loving mother to turn to, I turn to myself. And to nature. I take such glory in a nice breezy day.

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP, and I’m also searching. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would recommend you give yourself time away from your family to attend a wellness spa like Miraval in Arizona. You will be pampered and cared for there, plus learn more about yourself in a beautiful and restorative setting.

[Anonymous]

Yes. No one is going to treat you like a child. I'm very sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am mid-40s and had a dysfunctional, abusive childhood. My parents also come from dysfunctional, abusive homes and they are what therapists call emotionally immature. I have forgiven them for my childhood. It was what it was.

The upshot is that no one really took care of me when I was young. I had to figure stuff out for myself and look after myself. I got so good at it that as an adult, I was suspicious of people who were very caring and kind. I married a good man but he iss stoic an unemotive. He is a good partner but is not tender and does not caretake with me or the kids. I am the caretaker in my family and I think I'm pretty good at it-- I just give my kids the stuff I know I missed out on and it seems to work well.

I've also been in therapy fory childhood and I have found ways to care for myself and extend kindness to myself. They call it reparenting. I do think it's important and I do that, though it is different than being cared for by someone else.

But as I approach 50, I find myself thinking about how I've never really felt taken care of, and how this still impacts me. I think it would be good for me to feel cared for in this way, even if only for a time.

Is there a way to feel truly cared for, at my age? Is think I'm going to get a lot of suggestions to go to a spa but I've done that and it's not the same. I am looking for a kind of emotional support, not physical care.

Is this a lost cause? Do I just need to let it go?

OP, I think it’s so wise and great that you are aware of this unmet need. Please listen to your inner voice, honor it, and care for yourself. You are the one you’ve been waiting for ❤️

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 70s and have been taking care of myself and everyone else since the age of 20. I figure this must have been my life's purpose, to learn how to care for myself and others.

[Anonymous]

I get what you are saying, OP.
You never thought you are ever on the receiving end of love. Kind of like self sufficient in many ways.

Were you ever a giver in your eyes? Giver tends to be givers in life. Receivers tend to be receivers and some demand for it (but that's another topic).
Do any of the giving give you pleasure? Are you ever happy even for a slight few moments when you give or do something for someone else?

That's what you might have to focus on. Thinking outward. Someone out there appreciate you but may not know how to show it.

[Anonymous]

OP. you are not alone. I have never felt it either.

I knew since I was 18 that I had "raised myself." I have never given my parents any credit as they do not deserve any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. you are not alone. I have never felt it either.

I knew since I was 18 that I had "raised myself." I have never given my parents any credit as they do not deserve any.

OP again. Yes, same. I first started seeing a therapist in my 20s because I was struggling with my career and love life. When my childhood first came up, I just laughed and said "oh I just raised myself" and moved on with the conversation. My therapist was like, "hmm, let's revisit that." I used to have these stories I'd tell as a joke, about teaching myself to cook using cookbooks at the library or figuring out how to sign myself up for an art class through the rec center by going down to the parks and rec office myself after school. These were stories about me being a quirky, independent, weird kid. The unspoken part of the story was that I was spending as little time at home as possible because I didn't want to be around the yelling and fighting, and the reason I did this stuff myself was because no one else would. It took me a long time to let go of that version of the story and acknowledge that these were actually stories of a sad childhood. But I also realized that I was never going to be able to fix the stuff in my adult life until I accepted what had actually happened in my childhood. The only reason I have a functional marriage and family life is because I finally stopped romanticizing the abusive childhood I experienced.

[Anonymous]

Well, they were stories of a sad childhood but also of an independent, resilient kid who made the absolute best of things, in a healthy way. Both things can be true - the sad story and the romanticized version too, because look what you did. You were the hero.

[Anonymous]

Op: I had non-emotional parents and picked a non-emotional DH. Now, in my 50s, I actually do see the parallel between why I picked the DH that I did... his non-emotional side felt familiar. He has gotten even more stoic as he has gotten older. I wish he was more tender and emotional.

That said, I try to appreciate the things DH does to show love. For example, taking my car in and sitting and waiting while they change the tires instead of making me do that. He truly sees that as love. I try to really lean into the feeling of receiving that as love, even though it's not a natural way to feel love for me. Also, have as much sex as you can. DH is pretty non-emotional during sex, as in regular life, but it still makes me feel closer to him.

As far as friends... What exactly do you need to feel taken care of? Try to be specific with yourself about what you need, and become more of a taker, which is slightly different than being an asker... like if you need more emotional support, just start calling and texting your friends more, rather than saying hey, I'm going through a tough time, can we talk more. Just call them more yourself. Also, don't think you need to get everything from one friend. Divide and conquer... different friends can fill different caretaking needs.

I believe in karma. What you give to the universe, the universe will return. Be open to this concept and to noticing the moments of goodness.

Allow yourself bad days. I find myself sometimes feeling jealous when I come across someone who has so much in this area, and is either totally unaware, totally ungrateful, or both. I try to be accepting, but it's hard. I have one particular relative who is just a huge taker. Her parents and siblings basically dote on her and still take care of her into her 50s in a way no one ever did for me. She is just so, so ungrateful, it really bothers me to my core. The downside for her is that she's never evolved into a true "adult" and generally lived a very small, closed off life. I've just accepted that its tough for me to be around her, so I try to avoid her as much as I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op: I had non-emotional parents and picked a non-emotional DH. Now, in my 50s, I actually do see the parallel between why I picked the DH that I did... his non-emotional side felt familiar. He has gotten even more stoic as he has gotten older. I wish he was more tender and emotional.

That said, I try to appreciate the things DH does to show love. For example, taking my car in and sitting and waiting while they change the tires instead of making me do that. He truly sees that as love. I try to really lean into the feeling of receiving that as love, even though it's not a natural way to feel love for me. Also, have as much sex as you can. DH is pretty non-emotional during sex, as in regular life, but it still makes me feel closer to him.

As far as friends... What exactly do you need to feel taken care of? Try to be specific with yourself about what you need, and become more of a taker, which is slightly different than being an asker... like if you need more emotional support, just start calling and texting your friends more, rather than saying hey, I'm going through a tough time, can we talk more. Just call them more yourself. Also, don't think you need to get everything from one friend. Divide and conquer... different friends can fill different caretaking needs.

I believe in karma. What you give to the universe, the universe will return. Be open to this concept and to noticing the moments of goodness.

Allow yourself bad days. I find myself sometimes feeling jealous when I come across someone who has so much in this area, and is either totally unaware, totally ungrateful, or both. I try to be accepting, but it's hard. I have one particular relative who is just a huge taker. Her parents and siblings basically dote on her and still take care of her into her 50s in a way no one ever did for me. She is just so, so ungrateful, it really bothers me to my core. The downside for her is that she's never evolved into a true "adult" and generally lived a very small, closed off life. I've just accepted that its tough for me to be around her, so I try to avoid her as much as I can.

Textbook BPD

[Anonymous]

They react to profound fears of abandonment with needy and clingy behavior and/or alternate with anger and fury that reflect their own skewed reality and self-image. They’re desperate to be loved and cared for, yet are hypervigilant for any real or imagined signs of rejection or abandonment should you, for example, be late, cancel an appointment, or talk to someone they see as competition. For them, trust is always an issue, often leading to distortions of reality and paranoia.

You’re seen as either for or against them and must take their side. Don’t dare to defend their enemy or try to justify or explain any slight they claim to have experienced. They may try to bait you into anger, then falsely accuse you of rejecting them. They may gaslight you to make you doubt reality and your sanity, even try to brainwash you. In their desperation for caring, they often behave in ways that feel like emotional manipulation and abuse. Cut-offs of friends and relatives who “betray” them is common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They react to profound fears of abandonment with needy and clingy behavior and/or alternate with anger and fury that reflect their own skewed reality and self-image. They’re desperate to be loved and cared for, yet are hypervigilant for any real or imagined signs of rejection or abandonment should you, for example, be late, cancel an appointment, or talk to someone they see as competition. For them, trust is always an issue, often leading to distortions of reality and paranoia.

You’re seen as either for or against them and must take their side. Don’t dare to defend their enemy or try to justify or explain any slight they claim to have experienced. They may try to bait you into anger, then falsely accuse you of rejecting them. They may gaslight you to make you doubt reality and your sanity, even try to brainwash you. In their desperation for caring, they often behave in ways that feel like emotional manipulation and abuse. Cut-offs of friends and relatives who “betray” them is common.

A lot of truth here. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you OP. I have always craved a mother figure who can love me unconditionally and offer guidance on life (my mother was very neglectful and emotionally stunted). I now bring comfort to myself, I realized I don't need a loving mother to turn to, I turn to myself. And to nature. I take such glory in a nice breezy day.

Same, but there are times when I wish I had an emotional connection with a wise, loving mother or father. I've done fine turning to myself, but I've been challenged attaching to others. DH is the only person in my life who has shown up as this person and I’ve often failed to acknowledge or appreciate it.